what should i do

[greenfinch]

my pil can be very difficult & controlling after many times of dealing with this, when i see them i am polite but when we chat i try to keep it fairly brief, usually dd sees to that, but i feel so tense when they visit/we visit i can't wait for it to end.
dh knows how i feel about them and how their ways have upset me, but after the last visit he said he was fed up with feeling on edge when they visit and the one thing he wants more than anything is that we could all get along. .

i feel so on my own about this, i realise that after things that have happened in the past they may have learnt that we want to do things our own way, but there will be more things in the future that they will create about, it's the way they are.
i have tried to put things behind us for the sake of dh and he has too but i still can't forget about they way they have carried on over things, if they hadn't of been so difficult in the past i may of been closer to them.

now bil has got married - which they also created about arranging for flowers at venue behind sil back even though she had asked not to have any. opening there wedding presents - fil went off on one because they didn't open them with them? but mil is now trying to be best friends with sil taking her out, sil has said at least mil speaks to me when they go round, but it is just so typical behaviour of pil. mil says what she wants & fil fires the bullets, then mil pretends nothing has happened and tries to suck up to you.

my dh said maybe when they viist perhaps they could stay for something to eat, which may ease things, hopefully it will but i don't know whether anything will work to be honest. this is such an awful thing to say but sometimes i wished they weren't around at all.

this is so sad - of course your poor DH wishes you could all get along, but it's hard to see what you can do to make that happen if you are constantly worried that they will do something difficult or resentful of what they have done in the past. Do you think you can somehow just accept that they are a PITN and let it all slide off you like water off a duck's back? You have my sympathy

thanks for your message budgie, it is a worry when they have been difficult in the past but i will remember what you've said next time we see them. i suppose being on your period magnifies the situation a bit aswell, not that mil would understand, everything has to revolve around her & her only, she's not really sensitive about things like that, only if she is going to get something out of the situation.

You don't mention how often they visit/you visit. If it's only every couple of months or so, it's probably worth just (for your DH and DCs sake) letting their tiresomeness kind of roll past you. Keep telling yourself that they can't help being arses. And have something nice planeed for yourself for when they leave, like a good bottle of wine, a good bunk-up with DH or a shopping trip the next day (or whatever your fave leisure activity is). If they are visiting eveyr couple of days it might be time to put your foot down to an extent, ie enlist DH by explaining to him that you'd find it much easier to get on with them if you saw a bit less of them.

we usually see them every 2-3 weeks, so it's not too often although i wish it was every few months, we could probably only get away with that if we lived miles away, but then it would mean we see them for a longer stretch like for a weekend

it's a good idea of yours to have something nice planned after they have gone, i'll certainly do that next time we see them.

when dh & i try for another baby, hopefully i will be more at ease with them and better prepared emotionally & i suppose you have already set up boundaries so everyone knows where they stand, what do you think?

My MIL is like this and things have gradually got better over the years and yes I think you will be better prepared in the future. Have you thought about meeting for a day out together rather than them coming to your house? (if this is practical) Its much easier to meet on neutral ground and if they have something else to focus on (even if its just the choice of food in a cafe) it can take the focus off you. Just an idea, it worked for me when things were really tough.

thanks for your message bottleblonde, i'll give it some thought about meeting somewhere, things do tend to be a bit easier when we go over there for a meal as like you say they have something else to focus on, so should work well.
i'm pleased things have got better for you, it sounds encouraging, i hope it does for me too.

Its only now that biting my lip and being polite to her feels worth it. Good luck, I'm seeing my MIL tomorrow, not looking forward to it but not dreading it like I used to, this is progress

thank you for your support, some people are lucky having a nice mil, unfortunately we have to make the best of what we've got.

i just hope the new ways that have been kindly suggested will ease matters.