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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this The End? Need your views.

20 replies

BoccadiLupa · 03/05/2017 14:26

I'm divorced, have been in post-divorce relationship for 5 years. DP has children, I have children (his are teenagers, mine are younger). Had always assumed that we would eventually live together but recently he said that his teenagers are completely opposed and that he is not prepared to make the move until they have both left home (at least 4 years from now).
This has been hard to take, but I am not the sort to give ultimatums and I wanted to digest it all and decide if I could live with it.
I just don't think I can.
I am so lonely. I see him relatively rarely (every other weekend). I miss having any form of support. Recently my DS was in hospital and he provided me with little support, as work was busy and his teenagers needed support over exams etc.
Today we had a row on the phone over something trivial and all I wanted to do was shout "You never put me first!" but of course I didn't.
I appreciate that this is all a jumble. Sorry.
I am so scared to be alone.
I feel as if I will have nothing.

OP posts:

rightknockered · 03/05/2017 14:32

I find it hard to understand how after 5 years you don't have enough involvement in each other's lives to be able to see each other more than once a fortnight. Obviously you can't always come first when children are involved but you surely deserve enough space in his mind to get some support when your child is in hospital.
You deserve better than this

yetmorecrap · 03/05/2017 14:34

I have to be brutal here--I just dont think he is that into you or he would have moved heaven and earth to make it work and also to see you more.

ohfourfoxache · 03/05/2017 14:35

You won't have nothing. But I do wonder what you're actually getting out of this relationship.

Yes, you each need to prioritise your own dc. But having said that, your needs are not being met. Fwiw I personally think you need to move on. You could be so much happier than you are now.

Original poster

BoccadiLupa · 03/05/2017 14:36

Basically we don't see each other while he has his kids with him, and while I have mine. We work quite hard to make sure that we have the same child-free weekend and spend that weekend together. His teenagers don't really want to spend their time with their father shared with my two, which of course I understand.

OP posts:

cece · 03/05/2017 14:39

It sounds like you are ready to move the relationship on. He is not. He is happy to stay like this. It's not making you happy. So your choices are to continue as you are or move on from him.

Adora10 · 03/05/2017 14:50

So 4 years later and you are both still dating each other, once a fortnight, it all sounds very casual to me, surely you should be seeing more of each other, even with kids and yes you are right, you want to be a priority sometimes but he's not giving you that, in fact he's giving you very little, I'd be moving on from this.

Original poster

BoccadiLupa · 03/05/2017 15:10

It is ridiculously casual. I realised the other day that if we broke up, we would literally have to do nothing. We have no ongoing plans, no holidays booked, I have nothing at his house to collect (at all). His kids wouldn't really care and my children, although fond of him, wouldn't really notice for a while as they don't see him much.

It sounds awful but I feel that without him I'd lose the tiny bit of sunshine I have in my life. I work, and I have my kids most of the time, and the weekends with him are like a little of ray of sunshine to look forward to. I feel like crying at the thought.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 03/05/2017 15:10

Children must come first, so I get his point.

Original poster

BoccadiLupa · 03/05/2017 15:12

Oh I get his point, of course TheNaze - I have been nothing but supportive of it. I just am trying to decide if it is enough for me.

OP posts:

Teddy6767 · 03/05/2017 15:15

You have to work out what would be harder to deal with, losing him forever or carrying on the situation as it is for the next 4-5 years until things can progress

ofudginghell · 03/05/2017 15:15

Hi op.
Shitty situation.
I personally maybe would have liked the set up you have in the early years but this far along it wouldn't be enough for me.
For me it wouldn't necessarily be about being top priority but him wanting to make plans and step up from casual.
You are obviously in a place where you want things differently.
Could you not sit and discuss if there are likely to be future plans or is he not wanting to do that?
His reaction will be enough for you to know which route to take

Original poster

BoccadiLupa · 03/05/2017 15:18

fudging it was good in the early years. I was recovering from divorce, it was fine. But 5 years in, I need more from him. He has said that he wants to do it long term, but in a situation where I have to wait almost 10 years???

OP posts:

Original poster

BoccadiLupa · 03/05/2017 15:19

Teddy you're right. I wish I could be that black and white. It sort of poisons the present, IFSWIM.

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/05/2017 15:27

If you split up, would you miss him or would you miss the sunshine/dating/having fun part of it the most. In other words, what scares you more: losing him or being alone?

Original poster

BoccadiLupa · 03/05/2017 15:28

Lonny - being alone.

OP posts:

badgerread · 03/05/2017 15:29

I could be your DP OP! I have been in a relationship for 4.5 years and we don't live together. He has his children 50% of the time and is usually at my place the other 50%. He is pushing to buy somewhere together but I am not keen as I have a lot of equity in my place and he has none. I have worked hard for that equity which is for my children eventually. I have been on my own for 7 years and have become selfish. I love my independence but also enjoy my 50% time with him. I am almost of the opinion now that I won't move in with him until the children have finished 6th form (and that's 10 years away! 😂) he's not happy about it...

Original poster

BoccadiLupa · 03/05/2017 15:34

Oh badgerread I totally understand. That's a difficult one and I understand how you feel. The thing is that I love my DP and I respect his choices and he is a great father. I am supportive of the choice he has made not to move in. I just need to decide if I can live with it.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 03/05/2017 15:52

If he only has his DC EOW, how come you don't see him more frequently? Like during the week.

Do you live far away from each other?

Does he go on holidays and who with?

Have you ever met his kids?

Does their mum have a new partner and they've felt the impact?

Teenagers probably won't want to be around younger ones who aren't their siblings, so he's putting them first in that regard.

I think your issue is that you don't have anything else of joy or pleasure in your life. You need to be able to have things you enjoy without depending on a relationship for all of that.

Seeing each other once a fortnight really isn't much, so I can understand that aspect.

Original poster

BoccadiLupa · 03/05/2017 15:57

Sandy lots of good food for thought there. He has his kids 50% and I have mine more. We live about an hour apart. We do go on holiday together sometimes without the children. In the beginning I sometimes went with his children too but now they are big on the 'alone time with dad' thing which I totally understand. Mum does not have a new partner.
You're so right re joy and pleasure in my life. Maybe if I had that I wouldn't be so ultra dependent. Just struggling to see when that could be, but will try to think creatively.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 03/05/2017 17:52

Your feelings are perfectly understandable OP, do not feel they are not worthy because they are; why not try talking to him, tell him exactly how you feel, of course it could be a case of he is quite happy with this casual arrangement and his kids are a good excuse not to actually make any effort; only you know which it is but tell him how you feel and then decide if you want to hang about, a lot of woman would walk away you know.

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