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Original poster

Why don't they leave you alone?

24 replies

Bones2017 · 03/05/2017 10:43

His choice to leave me & the kids almost 6 months ago. Been at least talking to an OW for months before. Been to hell and back.

Why won't he leave me alone? The last month he's finding any excuse to make contact. But not telling me any truths at the same time. Hasn't said he's sorry or that he wants to work things out. He's shocked that I'm divorcing him and apparently 'moving on'

Why?? What's his game??

OP posts:
floraeasy · 03/05/2017 10:46

He wants his cake and eat it too!

He can't bear the thought you are moving on because then he has no fall-back if relationship with OW goes sour. Which it very likely will.

Stuff him. Don't give him any more headroom than he deserves. Communicate politely but with no emotion. Just the facts and what you need to discuss regarding the children.

He's made his bed, so he can sleep in his own filth.

Well done for divorcing the cheating sod! Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 03/05/2017 10:51

Agree with PP.
He wants his cake and eat it.
OW for a shag and you on standby for when it goes tits up.
Stop engaging with him on anything other than access to DC and finances.
He's not had the proper 'loss' of you yet.
He needs that wake up call.

I'm still having to live with my ExDP but I know when he moves out things will change.
But I shall be blocking him because I can.
You can't, so keep it civil and nothing else.

Original poster
Bones2017 · 03/05/2017 10:55

It's just cruel.

OP posts:
HolditFinger · 03/05/2017 11:00

Don't respond to anything other than stuff about DC or divorce. Cool and businesslike at all times. Ignore everything else.
He's already demonstrated by his actions that all he wants from you is to know that you're still pining for him. He's playing a cruel game. The only way to stop him is to not engage. Ignore ignore ignore.

Original poster
Bones2017 · 03/05/2017 11:04

If he was on his knees begging for forgiveness and ready to tell me the truth, I'd be willing to listen. But he's just being a tit now.

OP posts:
MaggieLightBlue · 03/05/2017 11:10

The truth is he shagged another woman.

Original poster
Bones2017 · 03/05/2017 11:17

I'm aware of that Maggie but I just don't understand these games. He doesn't want me anymore. So he should just cut me loose. And leave me alone

OP posts:
MaggieLightBlue · 03/05/2017 11:21

He's being manipulative. If continues to harass you, you might want to consider getting a restraining order against him.

onalongsabbatical · 03/05/2017 11:21

Cutting loose can work either way. if he's not going to do it, you need to do it.
He's using you, but only if you let him.
And well done for being ready to move on - that shows a basic confidence in yourself that's very valuable. Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 03/05/2017 11:27

Either what pps say - or, cold feet.

He has his OW but now in the cold light of day that looks a lot less attractive when it's cost him his home, life with his children and most likely a lot of money into the future.

When he looked into the future and saw rosy Saturday mornings in bed with OW he didn't think of the other side of the coin - you divorcing him, moving on, his child meeting YOUR new partners as well as his. Hmm! Suddenly - not so cosy. What to do? He's not sure now. Foot in both camps. Butter you up. Hm, not sure I want to go back, but I don't want her to start divorcing me as that means I can't EVER change my mind! I want options! Be nice to her. Don't apologise though - I don't want her to think I want to come back, because I don't, I like this freedom - or do I? I miss the kids - or do I? Nice not to have the old parenting slog 24/7. Oh here's OW. Wow, it's all great. Oh, she's gone home. Now I'm lonely. I could be at home. What's Bones up to? I'll text. Want to know what she's doing... etc.

Stupid man makes stupid decision and continues to be stupid.

Original poster
Bones2017 · 03/05/2017 11:29

It's all just so immature. I've been so ill from what he's done and I'm tired of this shit now. I want either the truth so I can make an informed decision or for him to leave me the hell alone

OP posts:
floraeasy · 03/05/2017 11:30

Brilliant Fizzy - I'm betting that is damned close to what's going through the prat's mind Grin.

Gingernaut · 03/05/2017 11:31

You're his "just in case".

Guiltypleasures001 · 03/05/2017 11:31

He doesn't want you right now op, he might want you later, that time is for him to determine 😒
He doesn't want anything to change including you, because that means the door is firmly shut and he has no fall back plan.

He's dithering, he wants to make the jump but has not got the courage to do it fully yet, he's a coward basically

You moving forward with the divorce, is forcing his hand and he doesn't like that, so it's either tie yourself in
knots and risk your mental and physical health, or tell him to go fuck himself and start to heal from this.

Your allowing him to hold all the cards, he's used goods now do you deep down really want him now?
Can he make you happy still, will you trust him? He's not committed to you anymore, he just doesn't want to tell you it's finished for good, he's not thinking of you at all, if he was he wouldnt be so cruel.

Flowers
millifiori · 03/05/2017 11:37

You weren't part of his plan, OP. You were supposed to stay, freeze framed, ready for when he got tired of his new toys and wanted his old life back. You were supposed to keep it going, exactly as it was, for him to return to. he hadn't planned on you having the power and control to alter the shape of his plan and interfere with it by making decisions that don't inbvolve him. He doesn't want you to fall out of love with him. (But please do.)

SandyY2K · 03/05/2017 12:37

You'd be best not engaging with him and going NC except child and divorce related matters.

Ask for contact (unless emergency regarding the health of DC), be made via email or text message.

That keeps a written record of it.

If necessary involve a third party for visitation.

Stay strong and don't be bullied by him.

Original poster
Bones2017 · 03/05/2017 12:41

He's been completely cold with me from when he left in Dec until Easter. Then it's started. It's dragging me back. And he's even said himself he could see my changes and me being so strong.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/05/2017 12:42

He's shocked because he wanted you as plan B, just in case it doesn't work out.

He obviously thinks you'd be sitting around waiting for his return.

Why isn't he happy to be getting divorced and making a new life with her.

He thought he'd have 2 women after his affection and then you remove yourself by proceeding with divorce...

All those lies they often tell the OW about wife won't cope and will be broken without me in don't quite add up when you take the power to the refuse to be on the back burner and move on.

Original poster
Bones2017 · 03/05/2017 12:45

His ego made him forget my real personality it seems. She's fucking welcome to the coward! I just wish they'd get on with it (if she's still around) & leave me to my life!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/05/2017 12:50

And he's even said himself he could see my changes and me being so strong.

Absolutely. Because being weak is just unattractive. Falling in a heap on the floor (in front of the unremorseful cheater) doesn't help.

They just see you as a pathetic mess and bask in the fact that they've reduced you to this.

When they see you getting on with life, looking at divorce, they realise that another man could be on the scene. That would push them out permanently and the option to return would be off the table.

While you were sad and wanting them back, they realise you aren't about to get into another relationship while still hung up on them, so it's safe to still treat you like crap.

That's the power of the 180
Not sure if you knew, but that's what you've done.

It very often gets the cheater caught off balance and crawling back.

thethoughtfox · 03/05/2017 12:51

This seems to be part of the 'script' It's just what they seem to all do.

YrOriginal · 03/05/2017 12:51

he could see my changes and me being so strong Bones.
I would find these comments patronising. Is he your dad or your therapist? I'm not sure why he's psychologically reviewing how you are emotionally coping and developing since he made his exit Shock. Seems weird to me and I think he's mixing the waters to try to keep you connected Hmm.

SandyY2K · 03/05/2017 13:18

It's not really a psychological review, it's just an observation.

Quite often a cheater wants you to look and be a miserable mess, so that no one else wants you. That way they try and justify their actions, and then everyone sees how low you are...and it turns to "no wonder her left her. Shes a miserable cow"

By working on your self esteem, socialising, dressing well, looking happy, and looking good, you become happier.

Happiness attracts positive people. As they say misery loves company and you can end up wallowing in self pity.

That just boosts their ego. I've heard BWs describe how they were clinging to their WH legs and begging as he was leaving for an OW.

floraeasy · 03/05/2017 14:59

My first husband said I'd never cope without him. He almost had me believing it. I soon found out he was weak, weak, weak. I pitied him in the end.

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