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Original poster

How should I handle this?

15 replies

MissBel12 · 03/05/2017 08:33

I've been with my partner for 7 years, married for 1 year and his extremely high sex drive is coming between us. I love being affectionate, kissing, cuddling, and will happily have sex 3 or 4 times a week.

He, on the other hand seems to want it several times a day - every day - and I think it's worse since we got married. I seem to find myself constantly turning him down, apologising that I'm not in the mood and feeling bad several times a day, even though we might have already had sex that day or the night before, or probably will later on.

The problem is I'm starting to get really pissed off all those additional times he tries it on in between and it's actually starting to turn me off completely, which is obviously the opposite effect to what he wants.

For example, we used to always kiss when I came in from work, but now he can't seem to just kiss me without putting his hands up my top, down my pants, etc, and after working a 12 hour day, I just want to get in the door and relax for a while first... especially as I know we're probably going to have sex that night anyway. It will be the same if we're making dinner etc, a quick kiss turns into 'let's have sex' in his mind. So as a result, I've started avoiding kissing him completely, which I know is starting to upset him.

We always snuggle on the couch watching TV, and I used to love that too, but again, since we got married, he thinks lying on the couch together is an invitation to start rubbing up against me, putting his hand up my top etc and it drives me mad. I just want to be close to him and relax, because again, we've probably already had sex, or will be that night or the next day. So as a result I'm now avoiding lying on the couch with him completely.

It sounds stupid, but I'm starting to feel harassed, even though he's the most lovely guy in the world and would never want me to feel like that. And now it's stuck in my head so much, and I spend so much time avoiding his advances that it's hard to get back into the mood at some time that day, or the next day. He is starting to get annoyed because he thinks I'm gone off him, now that I don't even want to kiss or lie on the couch together.

So how am I meant to handle this? Does it ever really work long term for people with different sex drives?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 03/05/2017 08:37

I think it's a really difficult one. It'll only get worse for you both & sex and money are the biggest two causes of break ups in the U.K. I can't see what you can do, you have an average sex drive & he has a high sex drive but, I can't see where the compromise is here.

ShatnersWig · 03/05/2017 08:44

I'd say OP is probably higher than average sex drive herself at 3 or 4 times a week, actually, Naze

HarrietKettleWasHere · 03/05/2017 08:51

I think he sounds like a sex pest, sorry! A high sex drive is one thing but I'd go nuts if DP couldn't help himself stick his hand up my top while I was cooking dinner or trying to watch TV. I actually think he's being bloody disrespectful.

sunshinesupermum · 03/05/2017 08:55

Not really helpful Harriet - OP have you actually told him exactly how you are feeling? If so and he hasn't stopped maybe you need couples counselling if your sex drives are so far apart. It would drive me crazy too and I'm not surprised you no longer want to kiss and cuddle :(

luckycatclover · 03/05/2017 09:11

Could have written this myself, my DP is so similar sometimes and I totally know what you mean, it got to the point where I was so pissed off with it that it completely put me off sex altogether (and I explained that to him!). Wish I had some advice but I haven't dealt with it much myself yet.

Original poster
MissBel12 · 03/05/2017 09:20

Well I constantly move his hands away, and say can you stop doing that, and he'll stop for that time, but then he'll forget 10 minutes later. Once or twice I sat him down to talk and told him I want to be able to just kiss you without you groping me, etc and he always says "sorry I just can't help it, you're so sexy"..... which used to sound like a compliment, but now it's starting to make me feel weird. But your right, it is a matter of respect, and we probably need to have a proper talk and say that. I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable first.

OP posts:
HandbagCrazy · 03/05/2017 09:52

"I'm sorry but I can't help it" - this translates to "I understand it bothers you but I don't care and am not going to stop"

Definitely have a proper discussion. You need to be firm and clear. Explain that he is making you feel uncomfortable, that you're unhappy with the amount of time and effort you put in to turning him down nicely and you're beginning to feel pressured. Make it clear that the more he pushes, the less you want sex.

elephantscansing · 03/05/2017 09:54

It sounds stupid, but I'm starting to feel harassed, even though he's the most lovely guy in the world and would never want me to feel like that.

No, he's not lovely. He's a sex pest, he is harrassing you. And blaming you for harrassing you. Yuk.

He 'forgets' after ten minutes that you asked him not to touch you? Does he have a probolem nwith short-term memory loss?

He's just not taking responsibility for his behaviour. No wonder you're being put off.

He sounds awful. He doesn't respect you at all - it's all about what HE wants.

elephantscansing · 03/05/2017 09:56

sunshine - maybe you need couples counselling if your sex drives are so far apart.

Really??? OP says she's happy with sex 3-4 times a week. She needs to be able to tell her husband to stop pestering her and pawing at her and to treat her with respect. No counselling required.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 03/05/2017 09:58

Blimey, he sounds a right pain. Does he not have a job or hobbies or something?

Justbreathing · 03/05/2017 10:02

maybe just find something that annoys him and do it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER

because that is exactly what he is doing to you

Thefutureissobright · 03/05/2017 10:18

Tit for tat is not how adults deal with problems Justbreathing.

Original poster
MissBel12 · 03/05/2017 10:19

@Handbagcrazy - you have a great way with words, I'm going to literally take what you said and say that to him.

@histinyhandsarefrozen - yeah he has a job, gets home about an hour before me, but no hobbies and only meets his friends every so often.

OP posts:
IAmcuriousyellow · 03/05/2017 10:24

Oh god i had one like that - on waking up, in the shower, a quickie here and there, pouncing on me as soon as i came home from work, the sight of my back washing up was a clear invitation.. like one of those dogs constantly rutting at my leg. I was much younger then and our relationship ended for other reasons but if i were back in that situation i would have to have very hard words indeed. Because it will erode your love for him in the end. Handbag has given you a very handy form of words for the conversation you need to have. Good luck.

Justbreathing · 03/05/2017 10:44

future, It wasn't meant to come out as suggesting tit for tat, it was meant to show with my big capitals how awful what he is doing to her is!
I probably should have made it clearer! sarcastic tones don't work on here!

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