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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I handle this?

19 replies

MissBel12 · 03/05/2017 08:32

I've been with my partner for 7 years, married for 1 year and his extremely high sex drive is coming between us. I love being affectionate, kissing, cuddling, and will happily have sex 3 or 4 times a week.

He, on the other hand seems to want it several times a day - every day - and I think it's worse since we got married. I seem to find myself constantly turning him down, apologising that I'm not in the mood and feeling bad several times a day, even though we might have already had sex that day or the night before, or probably will later on.

The problem is I'm starting to get really pissed off all those additional times he tries it on in between and it's actually starting to turn me off completely, which is obviously the opposite effect to what he wants.

For example, we used to always kiss when I came in from work, but now he can't seem to just kiss me without putting his hands up my top, down my pants, etc, and after working a 12 hour day, I just want to get in the door and relax for a while first... especially as I know we're probably going to have sex that night anyway. It will be the same if we're making dinner etc, a quick kiss turns into 'let's have sex' in his mind. So as a result, I've started avoiding kissing him completely, which I know is starting to upset him.

We always snuggle on the couch watching TV, and I used to love that too, but again, since we got married, he thinks lying on the couch together is an invitation to start rubbing up against me, putting his hand up my top etc and it drives me mad. I just want to be close to him and relax, because again, we've probably already had sex, or will be that night or the next day. So as a result I'm now avoiding lying on the couch with him completely.

It sounds stupid, but I'm starting to feel harassed, even though he's the most lovely guy in the world and would never want me to feel like that. And now it's stuck in my head so much, and I spend so much time avoiding his advances that it's hard to get back into the mood at some time that day, or the next day. He is starting to get annoyed because he thinks I'm gone off him, now that I don't even want to kiss or lie on the couch together.

So how am I meant to handle this? Does it ever really work long term for people with different sex drives?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/05/2017 08:46

That does not sound good OP.
Starting on you as soon as you walk through the door?
No way!
I have a high sex drive but I would never harass a DP the way you describe.
You need to tell him exactly how it's all making you feel.
Awkward!??? YES but it has to be done.
Even you can't verbalise it then write it down.
Similar to your OP and let him read how you are feeling.
It has to be addressed if he wants you in his life and happy!

isitjustme2017 · 03/05/2017 08:48

I'm sorry but this isn't right. You should be able to have a kiss or cuddle without it turning into something more. He has a shockingly high sex drive and wonder if its actually an addiction? Could you perhaps talk to your GP about it to get some advice as he may actually need help with it.
Maybe I'm being OTT but no way could I live like that!

WellErrr · 03/05/2017 08:50

That's harassment. He doesn't sound lovely at all.

Adora10 · 03/05/2017 11:34

He sounds a complete perv and has a total disregard for basic boundaries, red flag flying high there.

You should not feel bad OP, he's harassing you sexually.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 03/05/2017 11:35

Maybe a pepper spray??
He is a sex pest. .

xStefx · 03/05/2017 11:38

I think before it becomes an even bigger problem you need to sit him down and tell him that its changing the way you feel about him and that he needs to tone it down.

Im sure if he knows its actually turning you off then he will try to curb it xx

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2017 12:37

Is he working during the day? I think you might need counseling. His sex drive is fucking ridiculous and completely out of control. That's just not normal.

Shoxfordian · 03/05/2017 13:45

Have you told him specifically how upset it makes you that he acts like this? I agree with the other posters; he doesn't sound so lovely to me

TheSparrowhawk · 03/05/2017 13:51

'It sounds stupid, but I'm starting to feel harassed, even though he's the most lovely guy in the world and would never want me to feel like that'

Nope. You're wrong there. It doesn't sound stupid, you feel harassed because you are being harassed, and he's not the most lovely guy in the world. He doesn't care how you feel, he just wants to use your body.

In your shoes I would tell him to stop treating me like a sex toy, right now, or divorce is on the cards.

High sex drive my arse. More like high arsehole factor.

TheSparrowhawk · 03/05/2017 13:52

Are there times when you have sex when you don't want to, just to keep him from harassing you?

Original poster
MissBel12 · 03/05/2017 13:58

@sparrowhawk, well yes there are times when i feel like i don't want to say no again as i feel guilty about how many times I've already refused (even though it was all over the space of a day or two)

OP posts:
skilledintheartofnothing · 03/05/2017 14:04

If it has got worse since you were married then it shows he can control it as you used to be able to kiss/ cuddle without feeling constant pressure.
Do you think he feels that now you are husband and wife he has more right to sex when ever he wants?? Just trying to work out where it is coming from - Obv this is complete Bullshit as no one has the right to have sex with you whenever they like

Shoxfordian · 03/05/2017 14:06

I think you need to stop feeling guilty for saying no. If you never ever wanted to have sex again then that's your choice; may end the relationship but still your choice. It's your body and up to you when you want to have sex

TheSparrowhawk · 03/05/2017 14:08

'@sparrowhawk, well yes there are times when i feel like i don't want to say no again as i feel guilty about how many times I've already refused (even though it was all over the space of a day or two)'

Ok, then I think this relationship cannot be saved. It's already at the stage where his behaviour means you are being coerced into sex. There is no coming back from that. You may continue on with him for a while to come but really this relationship is dead. Please do not have children with him.

yetmorecrap · 03/05/2017 14:46

This guy has "issues" you need to come straight out with it Im afraid that you feel you are being pestered constantly.

JK1773 · 03/05/2017 18:12

This will end your relationship if it's not addressed properly. Firstly his sex drive is off the scale, I don't believe it's normal. Why is he like this all the time? He needs to understand less is more. If he continues like this is going, and you're pulling away from him, there will be a point where the shutters come down completely and he will have lost you. In my opinion when that happens there is no going back. You can't relax whilst he's mauling you, your heckles are up, you feel resentful and violated, and yet later that night or the following day you have sex with the person who made you feel like that. It doesn't work. It's a recipe for disaster. He needs to be made aware now that he is potentially irreparably damaging your marriage. I had an ex like this, although not so extreme. I still feel sick thinking about it xx

Original poster
MissBel12 · 03/05/2017 21:16

@JK yes that's exactly how I'm starting to feel.. especially in the last few weeks. I want to resolve this before I start feeling like that permanently, as neither of us would want that

OP posts:
JK1773 · 03/05/2017 21:39

MissBel12 poor you, I know exactly how you feel. When I went through this to a lesser extent I'd ask for a hug and he'd grope my breasts like a teenage idiot. He'd do the same if I leant over to pass a drink or anything else. It used to make me tearful to be honest. You need to resolve it now. I couldn't bear him touching me at all in the end. Maybe try to explain how you feel without blame as much as you can, if he gets defensive he's not respecting you. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
MissBel12 · 03/05/2017 21:54

Thanks so much everyone

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