a letter to myself

[bathmatandbin]

I have made the break from my sexless, dependant marriage. Over the last 2 months I have been an idiot, drunk too much done things I regret and have almost convinced myself that I should have stayed.

But from tomorrow I.am going to make some changes. I am going to do it for my son and I am going to do it for myself. I am going to stay out of the pub and away from random men. I am going to get fit again and stop smoking 20 a day. I am going to get my head down and work hard and I am going to try and find some happiness and stop feeling guilty my actions.

I need to make this change count. I.need to get to the stage where I am happy, because I have been so unhappy for so long I can't remember what makes me happy.

Thanks for reading this...any advice about how I might achieve this would be greatfully received!

You can do it. You need to tell yourself that. Over and over if you need to. You can do this. Imagine it. Do it.

Hello - you made a huge decision in leaving your relationship. Tomorrow is another day, get some well deserved sleep and then look at your post again and try to take one step at a time. Your first step being your little lad. Good luck to you x

I think I would break down the changes you want to make into small steps so the whole thing doesn't feel overwhelming. If you set yourself a series of achievable goals it will help you stay motivated because you'll be able to see you are getting somewhere.

Hats off to you though, you can see what needs to change and what you need to do to give yourself and DS a better life. Good luck to you and don't forget we're here if you need support

thanks xx

Don't beat yourself up over 2 months of recklessness. No-one would blame you for going off the rails a little bit given the circumstances. Everyone deals with a break-up differently. Some people become depressed and don't go out, others might eat too much, some might drink more etc.
The more time goes by, the easier it will be to make positive changes in your life. You've already started the process by writing this letter.
Good luck

Thank you so much - your posts have made me cry. I am never going to be perfect, I just want to be better. I need to work on myself and try and hang on in there for my son. I did this to allow him to grow up with happy parents - I can't be the one to clutch failure out the jaws of success.

Sounds like a plan!! It's great that you've had a wild couple of months to celebrate being free. It's like reliving the teenage years when you break away from your parents by doing reckless things.

Your new life starts here.

Please don't beat yourself up. I left my marriage of 25 year and went totally bonkers for a good few months. Got absolutely plastered....a lot.......shagged about and was generally very unstable. It's inevitable I think after making such a life changing decision.

in my defence - I have been unbearably responsible for so long - I have been the finance foundations, have been the social glue and have tried to keep things together - I just needed to kick some of that off, needed to believe that I might be able to create a life where I am only responsible for my son and myself. From now on I want life on my terms with no compromise. I felt squashed, then relieved and now I feel deflated.....that needs to change

You will get there, these thing just take time. I left my DH 2.5 years ago and I'm still trying to figure myself out. It's a massive change, just be kind to yourself, do what you gotta do and one day the fog will clear

bathmatadin: I have recently left a 21 year relationship. Be kind to yourself, going crazy for a few months is understandable.

I have realised what I need to do is learn to love being alone. Now I don't have the kids 24/7 as they are with ex 40% of the time, I can do that without guilt. I know its what has been lacking in my relationship. I spent years putting his needs above mine and losing myself entirely. Think of it as a process, you are grieving the loss of a relationship and filling a void. But the only void you need to fill, is to learn to love yourself in your magic. You are valued, you are worthy. You can do this :)

I have started to do things like go for dinner on my own, go to the beach with a book (I am lucky I live abroad by the sea), go sit in my car and watch the waves, spend time with people who don;t judge me and just enjoynig being in my own company. Its a start.

Things that have helped me enormously are: talking to a few values friends and family and not over sharing with the rest of the world, continuing to go to the gym (I lift heavy weights, it won't make you bulky but the endorphins are great and make you feel strong). I have also made a pact with myself this year I will learn to surf/ paddleboard or water ski. I am getting into my books again, I might even try voluntary work on the days the kids aren't around.

Try spending some time alone, without alcohol, and learn to love yourself again. Good luck.

Thank you all so much - I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to hear that I am not alone and not bonkers. I have no idea who I am anymore and I just need to figure that out. I want to be someone my son is proud of and do not want the failure of a 17 year relationship to define me. Sincere and heartfelt thanks xx