Did you lose friends-without-children when you had a baby?

[toolonglou]

Was speaking to a new Mum today about her letting some friendships end, as particular friends were not adapting well to the changes in her life resulting from having a baby.

I lost two friendships.
One was a life-long friendship I'd had since infant school. She always thought her life was better than mine and got used to perceiving me as being 'beneath' her with regards to accomplishments in life. As my life started improving in her eyes - I got married, bought a house and had a baby, she got quite jealous and started a range of spiteful behaviours. The spiteful comments she made when she visited me with my newborn were the final straw.

A second friendship ended because she did not understand that I could not make last minute arrangements to go out, or that I may have to cancel last minute due to the baby. She got quite arsey with me on a few occasions about it. It was a side of her I'd never seen, and it was not nice.

I think that when big changes happen in life, like having a baby, it really shows who your real, true friends are. Obviously, I maintained some friendships - with people who tried to understand that things would be slightly different now. I still feel sad about the friendships that didn't make it though (all the good times and fun we had). Even though I know deep down that they probably weren't true friends.

Yes, lots most of my friendships were built in uni around going out/drinking etc. Now I can't do that it's like all but one have vanished. They also thought it was odd I was still breastfeeding a 4 month old being a mum is so far the loneliest I've ever been.

I gained friends, lots of old friends got back in touch and I made lots of new friends too because my friends would introduce me to their mummy friends!

@furryelephant that's so sad? The misconceptions of breastfeeding are insane! I think it's why so many people give up

I lost friends when they had babies. I understood that their lives had changed and we kept in touch and saw each other fairly often for a few years then drifted apart, roughly when they started having their second children.
I thought it would change once I had kids of my own but by then they had moved on to school chat while I was busy with a newborn. Now they have some time to themselves and I have another baby. I still find it hard to deal with and hate to see the pictures of them having nights out on Facebook etc (that I am not invited to).
I don't think I was a bad friend to any of them at the time. We would organise nights out ages in advance and someone would always miss out as their plans would change nearer the time.
I eventually realised they were meeting up on their days off (some were part time, some on mat leave) and I never got invited even though my days off were often during the week and would have happily gone to soft play, parks etc to see them. After a while (about five years!) I just stopped making any effort with them and I don't even think they noticed.

I don't have any kids - have had no problems adjusting to my friends with kids new lives, am happy for them and love hanging out with them and their kids. I always had (and made) other child free friends so just bumped them up the going out drinking with list, and hung out with kidded up friends for lunch or dinners at theirs. As time passes, many of them are freer and are now available again (and some keener to go out on a mad one than I am now )

True friendships go with the changes.

However I would also say my friends were pretty relaxed and not precious/OTT wrt kids/becoming a mum etc so didn't themselves change as people that much which def helped.

@Neverknowing I know the majority of them are HCPs which makes it even worse! Luckily I don't give a toss what anyone thinks of how I feed my child and have no plans of stopping regardless

I dont know why i decided to read this but i did so i wont read and run now.

I usally lurk on the infertility pages (currently awaiting IVF) myself and DH have been trying for years now and im not going to lie it is difficult to watch other people be happy especialy since they barely try and oh annother baby...

I have distanced myself from most of my friends as they have all got kids. Its just one big reminder of what i dont have. They spend alot of time together and as the one without a baby... im not invited. Only one of my friends knows and to be honest those that can have babys are vicious with what they say "aww dont you want to have one it suits you holding my baby?" "ah im so tired you can have mine" & "if you had my child for a day you would change your mind" ectera .

Now i know its not from spite the things that they say but please do spare a thought when you complain that your childless friend isnt around much. She may possibly be in the same boat as i am and just cant talk about it. Infertility changes you as a person it makes you a bit bitter on a day when you realise nope not this month and you just dont want to talk to anyone let alone go to your friends baby shower (as horrible as that sounds).
Do not get me wrong i love my friends and i thank god that they have not had to go through what i am but please do remember that her attitude with you could have a hidden reason.

P.S You are the luckiest ladies in the world. I pray that i have that luck soon. When ever you feel lonely please remember you have the most important thing in the world... your child.

You're very right Scottish, hope it all works out for you soon

I agree with Scottish. We didn't tell family about IVF for some time, as it helped me cope knowing they didn't know and so were not being deliberately thoughtless when they talked all the time about their children (and their friends with children, and the friends of friends of friends children - you get the message!).

However one day we had to tell as they were coming to stay when I needed to go to hospital. Even though it was the same day, they still they talked incessantly abut their children, and to this day I remember my FIL saying " we all know what it is like to have children who don't sleep" and I wanted to make a scene and shout NO I DON'T!! but stopped myself in time.

I'm not saying you can't talk about your kids, just keep it in balance.

All the best Scottish, I hope it works out for you.

I lost a few who couldn't understand why I couldn't come to the pub on 2 hours notice.
The first year was rather lonely until DD was a toddler and we joined a play group. I am good friends with a couple of mums from there 6 years on. Childless friends who have since had DCs have been back in touch and one apologised for her thoughtlessness when my DD was a baby.
ScottishJaggyNettle, one of my dear friends was in your situation. I never questioned why she disappeared. I know that must have been too painful for her. for you.

I'm the only one of my friends to have a baby, I'm 19 and dd wasn't planned. So far, the majority of my friends (at least ones I'd consider good friends) have been really good, they keep in touch, meet when we can etc!

My best friends have been absolutely fantastic, changing plans to suit me and dd, spending weekends in, instead of going out, trying their best not to let on how great uni is and just generally being amazing friends. And they adore my dd.

Now mummy friends, that I'm struggling with!!
unfortunately haven't been able to convince one of my friends to get knocked up

Not 'lost' as such, but a lot of friendships change.
When we were all child free, we would be out night after night - not clubbing or anything, but doing stuff each night, often then going to the pub after the meeting or activity, then we'd go out at weekends too. that doesn't happen once you have a baby, and you tend to go through a 10 yr or so spell when it can be quite complicated to get out for an evening, and, when you do, you find your friends can't at the same time, etc., so the friendships change.
However, you keep in touch occasionally, and, when the dc are more independent, then you pick up where you left off.
IME, lots of friendships are 'of a time' though - the colleagues you work with in that job, or the teens you were at school with, or the team mates from your sport, or actors from your drama group, or the neighbour or your flatshare, or the person you commute with etc.,etc.
Friendships can change without ending though.

It's probably something that happens everywhere, at any age. When your friends go off and start a family there's not much room for old friends, though it's nobody's fault, really. The new mums have other interests, make new friends with other mums with toddlers. Another friend-drain is when they move far away. (Geographical proximity helps when keeping friends - big distances do not.) I lost virtually all the friends I had at school or at university that way - either they started a family or moved far away. Unfortunately once you're over thirty-five I feel it's rather hard to get to know new people, and on top of that I stopped trying because I had had a sort of rough period at work and was tired of meeting with people and only wanted to keep to myself, and that feeling lasted for several years (over six years) and once on the other side there were no friends left, really. I never made any new friends either.

This is really interesting. I feel like I'm losing my two best friends WITH children, whereas those without have been fantastic. I'm actually quite upset about it. We adopted our baby DD, and while we couldn't have anyone over for the first few weeks (bonding etc), it's now been nearly two months since I said that people could visit and neither of them have been.

They, and other friends, had their kids before me, and I feel like they've moved on to a totally different phase of life and aren't that interested in me and my baby.

Geography plays a part too, to be fair, as PPs have said. One has moved out of London and the other is way over the other side. But still.

Not for me. I'm friends with the same group who I've known since school. Even though we're all the same age, we've all got different things going on, some have kids, some have been trying a while, some are single etc etc.

We've all stayed great friends although I think having child free friends helps make sure the conversation doesn't just revolve around our kids when we meet up.

Not for me. I really appreciate the effort my friends have made.

I lost my best friend who has 2 children. She has always been highly strung and self centred but it was who she was and I just ignored it. When I was admitted at 30 weeks I saw her once and then she came to my house when DS was 6 weeks old (DS born at 35w) I never saw her again. She spent the whole hour talking about herself and I received a text sometime in the beginning of march to say sorry she hadn't been there but she was busy! I decided as much as I love her and miss her terribly, I'd rather have no one

I've been lucky, I've not lost any friendships. All my friends seem fairly understanding and considerate. I try to be considerate too, mainly by keeping baby talk to a minimum with childless friends. One because some are struggling to have children and I want to be sensitive to that and two because it's boring for them lol! I don't have tonnes of friends, 5 very close and maybe 7 more fairly close - manageable numbers and a mix of childless and with kids.

Sorry to hear about your friendships op, does seem like they showed their true colours and weren't great friendship material though. Best off without them maybe?

DH and I are very close friends with two couples (separately, not as a group of six) who had DC a lot later than us (their eldest is 4/5 years younger than our eldest). We managed to stay very close. It does take a bit of compromise though (on both sides).