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Original poster

Would a difference in Political Values make you rethink a relationship?

56 replies

AugustSunshine · 02/05/2017 18:47

Just wanting some other opinions on this really.

I've been seeing a guy for 7 months. Recently he's been very opinionated and vocal about politics. Especially since the snap election call.

Would it be a deal breaker for you? Are you in a good relationship with someone holding opposite political views?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 02/05/2017 20:05

It would rather depend on certain key points of view.

I can deal with someone who, for example, believes that a free market economy is best for everyone and a rising tide lifts all boats, etc. I can deal with someone who votes for their own self-interest (e.g. someone who's a very high earner who votes for the party that promises extra tax breaks.)

What I couldn't deal with is someone who actively wants to dismantle the welfare state, someone who has no compassion for refugees or the large amount of people in this country who are trapped in poverty and struggle to put food on the table. We may disagree about the best way to help those people in the short and long term, but if they hold an attitude of "Well they should jolly well just work harder, fwah fwah fwah" then that is insurmountable.

If I was (and I am) past the child-rearing stage then I could overlook more of this... because in a sense it wouldn't matter; my son has already been brought up with the values I wanted to instill in him. If I was looking to raise children with someone then it would be a massive deal-breaker as I would want to raise my children to have similar values to my own.

Emboo19 · 02/05/2017 20:23

I don't even know who my boyfriend plans to vote for to be honest (think I could guess though)
I'm not 100% on who I'm voting for myself yet. I'm only 19 though, so it will be my first general election vote!!

Definitely couldn't be with someone who voted ukip though! Pretty certain my boyfriend wouldn't maybe I best check though

Nutterfly · 02/05/2017 20:24

*Now I am sat here thinking about it I think it's his lack of tolerance to views different from his

So you are intolerant of his lack of tolerance MN gold. You get my award for best line of the week*

Actually that makes perfect sense to me. Like I said earlier, I have dated someone with completely different views but only because we were both adults and capable of having good natured discussions that respected each other's differing pov.
I listened to and considered his points and he did mine.
If he wasn't capable of being respectful or willing to listen to me in return, and said that my views were thick as AugustSunshine mentioned, then it wouldn't have made it last one date (we made it to 6 months). I wouldn't have tolerated that kind of intolerance.

HappyJanuary · 02/05/2017 20:27

It wouldn't worry me at all. People generally have the same core beliefs, they just might disagree on the best methods to use to achieve them.

I wouldn't like someone who was belligerent about their opinions though, trotted them out at inappropriate times or couldn't read when everyone around them had had enough.

pointythings · 02/05/2017 20:29

I feel pretty much the same as pocketsaviour. There are some political views that I find so abhorrent that I would not want to be with someone who held them. I could also not be with someone who is opposed to a woman's right to choose, or someone who believes homosexuality is wrong.

DH and I do have some differences though - we do not talk about northern Ireland at all because he believes Unionists Can Do No Wrong.

Original poster
AugustSunshine · 02/05/2017 20:43

Now I am sat here thinking about it I think it's his lack of tolerance to views different from his

So you are intolerant of his lack of tolerance MN gold. You get my award for best line of the week

Aren't most people intolerant of others intolerance on some level though? I'm VERY intolerant to people who can't tolerate homosexuality for example...

I have nothing wrong with differing opinions at all. But I don't like how he portrays his views.

OP posts:
Original poster
AugustSunshine · 02/05/2017 20:49

I think if he said to me "That's not how I see it because...." fair enough, his views and he's entitled to them. It's the way he says "People who vote X are just too thick to see Y"

(unrelated to the politics thing kind of... but I do cringe at people that tell you they are "an intelligent person" and he does this..)

OP posts:
HandbagCrazy · 02/05/2017 20:58

I think it's about how you approach the differences.
Me and DH have similar core goals and values but politically we are polar opposites. It keeps discussions interesting because although neither of us have altered our opinions, we are both interested in the others thoughts and opinions.

On the other hand, SILs politics views are exactly the same and DHs but her approach is to lecture, dictate, dismiss and belittle anyone that disagrees with her. If DH was like her it would be a deal breaker.

cauliflowercheese14 · 02/05/2017 21:02

Thinking about it I could be with someone more left wing than me, but not more right wing. I am fairly left wing as it is.

redexpat · 02/05/2017 21:04

I have a friend in the US who is republican. She respects my right to my lefty socialist views, she thinks I'm bonkers but hey the feeling's mutual.

Another US friend shared something I found to be fairly offensive about hte womens march. I called her on it and unfriended her. I found it really disrespectful.

Original poster
AugustSunshine · 02/05/2017 21:05

I think you're right handbag Its much more about the approach and delivery of your opinions sometimes.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/05/2017 21:06

Excellent post from Pocketsaviour

I also think it's about tolerance and acceptance of differences. The last year in politics has seen a rise in intolerance of differences, accusations of stupidness and closed ears to actual debate.

It's ok to disagree like mature adults, not ok to put others down and assume they're stupid.

AntiHop · 02/05/2017 21:07

It would be a deal breaker for me. Dp and share politial views and values which is one of the reasons we are so well suited.

OdinsLoveChild · 02/05/2017 21:12

Im not too bothered. DH votes completely differently to me. We never discuss politics and I would never expect him to change his political stance just to appease me.

Its a bit like red wine, I hate it but would never fall out with someone just because they drink it and I dont.

FelixtheMouse · 02/05/2017 21:13

No. DW and I are poles apart politically. She's a party member and local council candidate, I just turn out to vote when there's an election (not for DW's party).

Bant · 02/05/2017 21:21

odin - it's nothing like red wine. That's a personal choice, not a defining characteristic of how you view the world and would treat other people.

Amperoblue · 02/05/2017 21:24

I think if you find the way he expresses his views annoying, it's probably a deal breaker.
I don't mind opposing political views because I see all parties and leanings as being flawed. You just pick your battles.
I couldn't go out with a vegan because their view of life in general is so different to mine. I could be friends with one ( although they probably wouldn't want to ) if we shared a sense of humour or something.
I don't think people are all bad or all good because you share a political party with hundreds of policies which you may or may not be interested in.

Stripyhoglets · 02/05/2017 21:28

Being tolerant doesn't mean tolerating other people's intolerance to other humans. So No, I wouldn't tolerate someone being racist and there should be no expectation to just because I'm a lefty.

pointythings · 02/05/2017 21:48

Being tolerant doesn't mean tolerating other people's intolerance to other humans.

This. It's why I don't talk to much of DH's family in the US because they are rabid Trump supporters. The wall, dismantling healthcare, Betsy de Vos, deporting people who have not committed crimes, the lies, the strangling of the press - they applaud it all. Neither DH nor I can stand to interact with them, they are not the people we thought they were.

whereisthesunshine · 02/05/2017 22:00

My STBXH and I had different political views (not the reason we split, he cheated and left). We stearted out similar but over the course of our 10 year relationship he massively changed views. He joined UKIP and has voted for Brexit. I am an EU immigrant. I felt personally rejected and hated talking about politics with him.

Joysmum · 02/05/2017 22:01

Being tolerant doesn't mean tolerating other people's intolerance to other humans

Very well put. Can I nick that please Grin

Obsidian77 · 02/05/2017 22:11

I could put up with someone whose views were very different from my own but I would find his dismissiveness towards people who didn't agree with him a bit of a red flag.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 03/05/2017 09:25

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who had different political views. It's not like a hobby of theirs you don't like, it's actually saying a lot about what that person thinks is important in society and how it should be run. It says a lot about their character. For example, I could never be really happy with someone who had right wing views as it would go against my views of how a fair society should be run. It also suggests a lack of empathy for those less fortunate and able than themselves.

TheLuminaries · 03/05/2017 09:32

My DH and I have different political views & it isn't a problem at all. Having said that, we are neither of us arrogant, think we are cleverer than the other, or shove it down each others throats. We share core values, but have a different approach to how to realise those values.

I do think in a mature democracy, we all broadly want the same things and (with the exception of fringe parties like BNP/UKIP) is is just a difference of approach not values. I like people who think differently to me - I actually think that mixing exclusively with people the same as you leads to a lack of critical analysis and dangerous groupthink.

But I think this guy sounds a bit of a wally if he is throbbing on and not prepared to listen to alternatives - that would be a dealbreaker for me, regardless of the actual political views spouted.

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/05/2017 09:35

Amperoblue glad to hear it - I'm a vegan with loads of omni friends (pre-dating the vegan thing). One of them has just joined me on the vegan bench so I can't be irritating them too much Grin in fact all convos on food are started by them, come to think of it.....

Back to the politics. I absolutely couldn't date anyone who felt that differently to me, especially if they said the other side were just stupid. Deal-breaker here.