Help with very awkward situation

[wattodonow]

My best friend (thats what I thought) of 10 years just got married in a destination wedding in Asia. We both supported each other through headaches and break ups and even financially in the beginning. For last couple of years, I noticed my df is more interested in fun side of friendship. She loves socialising and has so many of friends. I have been going through a very difficult marriage and despite trying not as much fun anymore. Currently I am depressed.
df went traveling to Asia with fiancee last year and decided to meet my estranged sis. I felt bad but never told her. On meeting, they clicked, sis is doing very well in all aspects of life and is very social. df asked me how I would feel if she invites sis and her dh. I told her my honest feelings very politely but it led to an insulting reply from df telling me how disappointed she was, and that she found me not understanding, and a lot more. She asked me not to reply but still wants me to come to her wedding. Next day I received her invite which was only for me solo.
A week later she wished me on my birthday, and I did the same on hers. I thought a lot and decided not to go.
She just got married a few days ago and my FB is flooded with pictures, posts from our our common friends liking and commenting. We have about 200 (maybe more) classmates common to us and there are at least 10 common not so close friends we sometimes hang out with.
All these friends went to her wedding from here to Asia (I would have too if she was not so hurtful and insulting).
Now I am in awkward situation. I haven't congratulated her yet. On one hand I feel we have so many friends and classmates between us, it will look so petty and strange. A part of me still considers her friend. On the other hand, I felt she was very unreasonable and rude in her message and didn't care that I was already going through massive problems.
To add to insult, my sis took a flight with her dh to attend her wedding when they hardly know each other but didn't bother to contact me in last 6 months. She has been posting pictures like it was her close friend's wedding.
There was another good (common) friend who attended her wedding and knows about this issue and was a bit judgemental to me, told me wedding happens once and she thinks I let her feel awkward by sharing my true feelings (even though I was asked). I supported her massively through her bad break up few years ago even though we live 3000 miles apart.

I felt so betrayed by friends I supported in the past going completely out of my way when they were going through problems. I also feel I have complicated this issue by not standing up for myself at the right time (5 months ago). I have major issue with boundaries, I let people be so comfortable with me that they don't mind showing their negative side, which they won't to others.

I feel I should have replied to her rude message 5 months ago and closed this issue then. Now I look petty for not sending wishes. My therapist said they are not acting like caring friends and sister, so I should let them go. But I couldn't argue with therapist that we have so many common friends and classmate between us. I look very bad on the outside even if I did/meant nothing wrong. I am in late 30s and feel I am losing all my relationships partly because I never had any boundaries.

I really need some advice. Thanks!

Your next step really depends upon if you want to try and repair this friendship or let it go?

If you want to try and repair the friendship, I think you should send your congratulations (I'm sure that's not a lie because I'm sure you do want her to be happy). And then when she's back in the UK arrange to meet up with her and talk about what happened and build bridges. If she's a real friend you should be able to disagree but still talk about things that are bothering you, say sorry to each other and then hug it out.

The alternative would be to just let the friendship go and move on with your life.

I'm sure someone else will come along soon with better/different advice for you to help decide what to do.

Whether I wanted to repair the friendship or not I'd give her basic manners by saying congratulations; it's not her fault about your sister altho I get how she had your sis have riled you.

Your friend and you are at different stages of life. She is just married, able to travel and have fun whilst you are depressed and in a difficult marriage. She then clicked with your sister, asked you if you minded and you said yes.

Sorry, but that was never going to go well. It's made you look bad from both your sister and friend's point of view. You mention boundaries but I can't see that anyone has crossed a line here. You were invited but chose not to attend. Now you can't even bring yourself to type a few words of congratulation.

Try to remember what you do like about her and if you want to come out looking decent send a few well chosen words wishing the happy couple well and how lovely they look.

Sorry you feel so badly but I suspect your depression is clouding your judgement here. Friends do move on, do things differently and sometimes annoy us but we have to accept these things or end up without friends at all.

Very well put by Matilda.

The only thing they are guilty of is being a bit insensitive, by becoming friends with each other they haven't actually done anything wrong.

You need to send her a congratulatory message, it is the right thing to do. She wanted you at her wedding, you were invited, but chose not to attend.

If the FB posts are upsetting you so much why don't you unfollow them or deactivate your account for a while? (Why are the FB friends with a sister you are estranged from?)

Your therapist is right. That's no friend and your sister is a dick.

Move on from the both of them love.

You need people who are supportive, and there no matter what, not cock wombles who are only interested in the fun.

Your friend and sister have done nothing wrong.

Your depression is casting a filter through which you are seeing this situation.

Thanks everyone for your replies.I didn't write details as the message was long already.
My sis had said nasty things to me on my wedding day, later we patched up on my mum's insistence. But she continued to be controlling, judgemental and emotionally abusive. My friend didn't know about her behaviour on my wedding but she knew my sister's behaviour towards me, and that we were speaking for almost a year.
Despite this, she wanted to meet her as she likes to network and might move to Asia eventually (my sis and her dh are doing extremely well career wise). I never told her how I felt about her meeting her despite my sister's behaviour. They were not friends before.
So she met my sis and her dh a few months ago (only ONCE), and they both offered her advice on career, move, etc. My brother in law is heading Asia Pacific for a huge multinational company and is well networked in the region. So they are good contacts to have.
Friend asked me she is thinking of inviting them and want to know how I feel about it. I told her I felt hurt. And told her how my sis behaved on my wedding day. My friend replied she doesn't want a bucket of negativity on her head, told me I don't know the difference between after office drinks and arranging a wedding, and that I had no intentions to attend her wedding (completely false, I told her only a week ago how excited & happy I was and definitely wanted to come). She knew I was having problems in my marriage and was pretty distressed in general, and that I did not let that affect our friendship or my excitement towards her wedding.
She went on to insult me and then finally said she STILL considers me a friend and want me to come. Finally she told me to not reply as she was still very angry. Next day she forwarded me e-invite. It's not that I chose not to go. I had no choice.
I discussed this with my therapist and he said my friend shouldn't have asked me how I felt if she didn't really care for it. And that she had no reasons for insulting me for telling her my feelings. He said she asked me because she knew what she was doing and wanted to feel guilt free by asking me, not because she cared about how I felt.
I agree with my therapist. My friend had been very uncaring for a long time. She discussed my marriage issues with other people. I had been far more flexible in our friendship throughout last 10 years, and usually let her decide/ do want she wanted when it came to joint plans or other decisions.
This was the first time I was asked how I felt and I replied. I feel my friend lost respect for me some time back. We both are highly educated but I lost my job and couldn't have a successful career like other classmates. Both my friend and sis tend to look down upon underachievers (I was a topper but let my marriage become a priority over career lately).
In general I have problem with boundaries, I am a people pleaser and I have higher tolerance for rude behaviour. So sometimes people continue to keep hurting the same way. I am having the same issue with dh.
I asked for advice because we have tons of classmates between us. Everyone knew we were very close friends. Obviously it looks weird that I am on Facebook but not reacting to pictures and posts about her wedding. People don't know what happened. I will never bitch about her.
I read my message, I care too much about what others think :(
Sorry this post became very long. Thanks for reading.

Pp are right, you need to decide whether you want to rescue the friendship and act accordingly. I think you ought to be prepared that your friend may think you're the one in the wrong for not coming to her wedding.

Fwiw I think your friend has been very selfish. She may regret throwing away a long term friendship for someone she has only known a short time.

I don't think she sounds much of a friend, but maybe she doesn't know how to relate to you now you're experiencing difficulties and would rather pretend that they're not happening.

Thanks Anna. I don't think there is much to rescue now. I don't think she was a real friend. Real friends care for each other's feelings.
I feel I will never forget that my friend had no empathy towards me, and that she accused me of not wanting to attend her wedding, when I had told her how excited I was. I found her a bit controlling by telling me not to reply to her message.

I am a bit sad that my sister didn't care to keep in touch but went to attend wedding of my best friend and socialised with my classmates and friends while not caring that her own sister is so lonely and isolated in a foreign country.

I guess I will not message this friend as typing here I realised she wanted to invite my sister and her dh as they are very successful in their career and can help her connect with right people in that region while at the moment I can add no tangible value to her career or life. Nobody invites a person they met only once on their wedding. I think she wants to be friends with them for practical reasons and she is most welcome to do that.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds crap, losing friends is very hard especially now when you need a friend to lean on.

I think you should be the dignified one and send a private message congratulating her. It's just good manners.
Keep it short and impersonal like you would to an acquaintance - think of her as an acquaintance from now on and unfollow her rather than all the drama of unfriending, talking through things. She's not going to change her opinion no matter how much you try and explain.

I promise your friends in common don't care that much. It's prob a bit of gossip now but if you hold your head high, have dignity and don't dramatise it or try to persuade people you're the victim they'll soon move onto something else.

Everybody has a role in relationship dynamics and I think you do yourself a disservice by not fully acknowledging yours. People pleaser sounds much better than doormat but isn't any different and letting your friend dictate the parameters of your friendship, whilst you provide unquestioning support has ultimately led to a situation. I suspect it's too late to assert yourself in the relationship with your friend because I get the impression that your friend prefers the status quo (your longstanding relationship dynamic)

I suspect your marriage difficulties may also be a result of a relationship imbalance that you have condoned over the years, mistakingly thinking that people pleasing, would garner brownie points that you could be cashed in later. Instead, you're now experiencing the real cost of such behaviour in relationship dynamics and

I hope that your therapist is challenging your thinking instead of just agreeing because ultimately, you are the only one who can change your role in relationships.

I think you should remember that most of your classmates etc will not be paying the least bit attention to whether you have liked anything on Facebook. They won't have noticed. The only people likely to wonder are your friend and your sister.

What you need to decide is whether you are going to hold on to this resentment or the friendship or let one or the other go. That's all you have control over.

Agree with category - your mutual friends won't notice you haven't commented, and I think your therapist is spot on about your friend.

Thanks category and changed.
Dileen, I am not planning on telling everyone in our group to look like a victim or create drama. That's why I am asking here. I don't know why you thought so.

Thanks Isetan, you are right about my role in my relationship dynamics. I am addressing this is therapy. I don't think I am flexible because I think I will cash browny points later. It's just the way I am. I grew up with a mother who was like this, I guess I learned this is how good people are. I am trying to change it but it does feel crap that people who you cared for so much have no care for you whatsoever.

My therapist told me to let go of people who don't treat me with respect and focus on myself. It's very difficult but I think that's what I need to do.

Thank you all for taking time. Writing here helped me cleared my mind.

Apologies OP I worded that wrongly, didn't mean to offend.

What I was trying to say is that if your mutual friends are likely to notice your lack of fb comments to rise above their drama.

Hi watt

I completely agree with your therapist, if people don't bring anything positive to the table, then it's time to take their seat at it, away.

It maybe time for a big cull of your Facebook "friends" as well, think about each one and if you would miss them, if not hit delete. Don't look at it from the point of view of upsetting any of them, or causing gossip, just for you and your peace of mind for a change.

You're in your late thirties, but clearly you're still very very hung up on what your classmates from what? nearly twenty years ago? think about you. In the kindest possible way, their opinions about your life are completely unimportant in the scheme of things - what matters now is your happiness, the health of your marriage, and the steps you're taking to get yourself out of your depression and into a life that will bring you more satisfaction.

FWIW, I don't think the friend and your sister did anything wrong by striking up a friendship, but focusing on that - something outside your control - is only going to frustrate you. Real friends are those who care for you NOW, not randoms you met many years ago and have remained in your life via Facebook, not phone calls and meet-ups, since.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a user. She wanted to make contact with your sister for her benefit and didn't care what you thought. Perhaps you should have put your foot down and refused to give her the contact info, but it's done and happened.

I'd cut her off. She was asking to get you're agreement and didn't care about your opinion. She proceeded to insult you and I would not have gone to her wedding either after that.

TBH from that moment she'd be an Ex friend. I'd have blocked her every which way and after the insults why the hell would I bother with Congratulations.

She wanted to dish out the insults with no room for you to reply. Total power play as far as I can see.

I agree all this classmates stuff sounds a bit odd, but are you perhaps from a non British culture and that's common terminology?

And I doubt anyone is looking for your 'likes' on FB.

Unless I received a heartfelt apology from her, I'd never bother speaking to her again.
I don't take being insulted lightly and have little tolerance for that kind of behaviour.

Dileen, no worries. Thanks for writing again. Thanks Sandy and Guilty. I feel better knowing I am not the only one thinking like this.

Yes, I am not from UK. My friends and I are from different parts of Asia. Unfortunately material success and public image is considered far more important than personal relations/ ethics in big cities in parts of Eastern world nowadays. I know I am making a big generalisation here.

Youwouldnotlie, you are making so many assumptions- my class mates are not from 20 years ago. I did my doctorate less than a decade ago. There are many of us (10-15) in London and meet on regular basis. Also part of professional associations.

My friend and sis didn't not strike a friendship. My friend quit her job to travel in Asia, network with people there with hope/plans of eventually moving there. She knew my sis and bro-in-law are there and was visiting their city for a weekend, so wanted to casually meet up, get some advice on career, life there. Problem is my best friend chose to meet my sis knowing I have not been on talking terms with sis. (My sis had told me she was embarrassed of my wedding arrangements on my wedding day. We patched up because my mum wanted us to and I let that go convincing myself she didn't realise how hurtful it was. But she continued to be very openly critical and insulting to me ever since. If we didn't agree, she hung up on me or screamed at me, telling me I am responsible for all my problems) My sis chose not to talk to me for over 6 months and even before even though she knows I am going through a lot of trouble in marriage, while telling my mum and others how much she worries about me. She had time to go to my best friend's wedding in another (nearby) country after meeting her once only before her wedding but not call me, while telling everyone how much she cares for me. I find that quite un-sisterlike especially when she is showing whole world how much she cares about me. My friend met her for future business opportunities as both sis and bro in law are very high up in corporate ladder.

I feel pretty alone as some of my closest people showed me they don't care about me at the time I needed them. I agree with your point that I should focus on my happiness and life over others. I am trying to learn and practise that in therapy.

If you care about your friend - then why not congratulate her and wish her well -regardless of any recent 'insults' or behaviour you don't care for.

For the future
It isn't good for you to be looking back at past ' offences'. (We all behave badly sometimes - and hope that others will forgive us/move on. Do as you would be done by!)

If they are painful to you - hide the facebook posts you don't want to be reading - from this one or other friends.

It is time to be more interested in other people and other friends.