dp and aspergers

[onedayonly17]

I have namechanged for this but I have been on mumsnet for over 10 years. some people in real life know who I am on here and I wanted somewhere where I can vent without them knowing.

I been with my dp for 17 years. We knew each other and were an on / off couple for 6 years before finally becoming a "couple".

I always thought he was a bit scatty, disorganised and 'laid back' but this really came to the fore when we started to live together. He struggled to stay on top of practical tasks and anything where he had to make decisions, arrange anything and / or talk to people on the phone. An example being that it took him about 18 months to change his address with the bank when we moved in together. not a huge issue in itself.

He seemed to forget everything that needed to be done and after some major mishaps with paying bills and setting up direct debits, I guess I took on much of the responsibility in terms of budgeting, paying rent and household bills, booking anything, sorting out DIY / tradespeople, buying items, booking holidays, organising things and generally keeping our home running. I thought that we would work to each others strengths and share out what had to happen so I dealt with anything slightly complicated and he stuck to things like shopping and laundry.

As time went on, he seemed to really struggle more with things and keeping on top of anything. I felt I couldn't rely on him for anything more important than remembering to make sure we had milk and bread in the house and even then - that started to seem too much.

I know he found the birth of DD1 hard as he had to take on more responsibility and when I had PND, he went into himself and was no real support tbh. he refused to come to any of my medical appts and I think I started to feel that I couldn't rely on him for small things, never mind the bigger issues.

He was diagnosed with aspergers around 5 years ago. He didn't tell me he had started the process but felt he wanted this as an adult as it might help him to understand himself better.
His brother was asked to go along to the clinic with him and my dp also had to bring our dd1 to another assessment to see how he interacted with her. I never went along or was part of the process but DP has now said that he was asked to bring me along but told them I was too busy to bother with it. He didn't want me there as he thought I would be honest with the clinicians and he didn't want them to know how tough things were getting. He was offered the chance to be part of a support group but he never went as he said he didn't need it.

He doesn't want to talk about it and when I try to broach the subject - he shuts all conversations down.

I am struggling however as I feel I have to shoulder all the responsibility for our girls and our home. He is becoming more and more unreliable and increasingly forgetful. An example being - 5 months ago our contents insurance needed renewed and he really wanted to take it on to do as he felt he needed to prove to himself and to me that he could manage this. I haven't wanted to nag him about it or keep on at him about it but he confessed last night that he has done nothing for it. not a thing. We have had no insurance for 5 months and he wont give it to me to do as he says he will feel stupid if I have to do it. He also told me hadn't sorted out a problem with our council tax direct debit so we haven't paid anything for months and he has been hiding their letters from me.

we have tried to look at ways for him to keep on top of things but that lasts a couple of days. He is now refusing to look at our paper family calendar and online diary where I put everything to try and keep track. We have tried lists but again - that hasn't worked as he is now struggling to do anything that is not fitting with the order they are written down on the list.
If it says:-
1/put washing machine on and hang out clothes on line
2/ wash dishes and

3/ phone vet

• he cant do things like do dishes and phone vet whilst the washing is doing because it is not in order.

He is late for everything - and significantly late at times. This is really impacting on our girls now too. If they have a class, group or party to go to- they are now late and sometimes they are arriving when it is finishing. He never factors travelling time into anything. I have tried calling him before they need to leave the house to make sure they are ready to go but inevitably he will get distracted and have to do something before they can go and then that might take an hour.

He refuses to seek any support outside the house for any of this and says that he is ok because he knows I will always pick up the pieces and am on top of things.

I know I may sound mean but I don't know how much more i can take. I feel I have to keep on top of every single thing and be responsible for everything.

I am trying to be patient but finding this hard. I am feeling more and more like I am looking after him instead of being a partner to him. He doesn't want to talk about it and says I have changed and became boring. Maybe I have but I don't feel I can relax and take a step back from having to be the grown up in our relationship.

I do feel awful because I know the way he is, is down to his aspergers but I am floundering. I would feel incredibly disloyal to talk to anyone in real life who knows us and don't know where to go or what to do to try and improve this for our family.

You must be exhausted op!

I have no advice but just wanted to say you sound lovely and supportive.

thanks myheart. I am exhausted.

I should add - he is a usually a great dad to our girls. he really loves them and is great fun with them. He tries his best with them and they know he is on the autistic spectrum so they try and be understanding when things don't work out but as dd1 is getting older, she is getting frustrated at times. I try and not let my own frustration show in front of them as I don't want them to absorb this.

Does he work? How does he manage tasks at work? Assuming he has to manage his time.
I wonder if you helping him by organising him is resulting in an NT v ASD situation making you both frustrated.

explodedcloud - he works in a very structured environment so each task is clearly ordered. He does really well at work and recently moved to night shifts so he had less contact with the public. This did mean a pay cut but it was what he really wanted so we went with it.

He is very high functioning and outside of the house is very skilled at managing things and appears on top of everything. only a couple of people know of his diagnosis and I imagine most people would be really surprised to hear of it.

When I haven't organised our house - things literally never got done so I ended up doing all. I work full time and my wages keep us afloat. I simply cannot do any more and need him to at least take on some responsibility but I dont know how to support him in that. As he refuses to seek outside support, it stays with us to manage.

I know he feels frustrated which is why I feel bad talking about how I feel. I cannot imagine being like this for the rest of our lives.

Has he been screened for ADHD? Its possible he has that too by what you have written.

not that I know of donajimena. I don't know if it is routinely done as part of the assessment for ASD.

OP having Asperger isn't really an excuse for him avoiding doing important things and then refusing to let anyone else help out. I'm autistic and you wouldn't find a more organised person than me when it comes to bureaucracy. I know we're all different but I'm just trying to highlight that having Asd isn't an excuse for every trait he's displaying that you don't really like. Maybe he's like my NT partner and really fucking lazy and procrastinates. I have the same problems with my partner and I end up just doing the tasks (e.g. Insurance and council tax ) because they need done. Things that impact him only I leave to him (eh his phone bill can remain unpaid for all I care). He sounds quite selfish and I know we autistics can be but again I'd never let it impact my kid's lives e.g. With lateness, and he needs to understand and accept that what he's doing is detrimental to them and that he can and must change that behaviour to make it more acceptable for his kids. (To hell with what the rest of society thinks but he needs to keep his kids on side) If he just doesn't care then that's not likely due to his Asd but more just how he is. Don't assume we can't change and develop new behaviours and skills to fit in with family life and don't let him away with not participating in family life on an equal basis. I know I'm being harsh and no doubt someone will come along to try to call me out on it but sometimes we need to accept that autism
Isn't and excuse for everything.

Hi op

Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know you're not alone

It's bloody hard word having a partner like this, my DH is a fellow high functioning aspie but sufferers terribly with anxiety as over the years we've had many situations like yours

I have very little advice, you can try sitting him down and suggesting you both play to your strengths and that infuture you will do the bills/insurance/ organisation

Dh's biggest problem is clutter and disorganisation, he and both our DD and DS (both aspies) are chronic hoarders which I regularly have to sort

We've been together a similar length of time as you, in order to not go mad I've had to accept this is him and take control of what he can't

It does sound as if he may actually have some level of anxiety or depression? Could he access some support for this

My XH was like this. Although he was great at organising financial things, he could not cope with any household tasks (the bit about him having to work through a list 'in order' rang bells with me). He'd forget to pick kids up from clubs because he'd be on Facebook, he wouldn't take things back to shops or deal with 'outsiders', and I had to do all the day-to-day tasks otherwise nothing got finished (it might get started but then he'd be distracted and wander off).

When we split up he accused me of 'mothering' him and not giving him chance to do things for himself! Our relationship gave him the confidence he felt he needed to go off and date other people - and he seemed to regard the ending of our marriage as 'just what happens when you get confident'.

I have no tips on dealing with your DH, OP, just beware of the accusations of nagging and 'babying' that I was subjected to (only during the end of our marriage though, he was perfectly happy with it up until then!)

That makes sense about work. I (probably) have ASD and I appear v together to most people. I do have my own systems and the biggest problem is when DH gets involved. He moves things and then they are wrong and I can't cope. I cant cope with any interference in my processes. It results in total chaos.
I'm great if I can do things online. Otherwise I have to psych myself up to make phone calls. I can't quite explain it.

^ This. I can cope on my own as I can develop my own systems. Even though it has taken me five years to order a wheelie bin .

What I find incredibly anxiety making is another person wanting me to sort something out or wanting me to make a phone call- in fact, even typing that made my palm start sweating! It must be very hard for you, and I know it is very hard for people around me as I cope with a very stressful job just fine.

I wish I could offer practical advice. my dad was the same, and chose a very organised and efficient life partner who, due to her own upbringing, was used to doing everything, being the carer and being emotionally ignored. it wasnt a great environment and I have ended up doing the same thing. so you could try counselling to see why you chose a relationship like this, what you get from it, and if you want to continue, and if so, what that might take/look like.
It does affect the kids, a lot more than is sometimes made out, and imo they should be the focus eg instead of them feeling they have to be understanding when things dont work out, he should be trying his utmost to make sure things do work out and managing his response whrn they dont. but thats my slightly bitter opinion, I got a bit sick of life revolving around my dad.
good luck with it all.

thanks for your relies folks - I do appreciate it and its nice to hear I am not alone.

thanks tebagitis (great name). I found your post really useful as maybe I have been starting to think that there is no room for change and improvement when there could be.

user - thank to you too. it is hard work. we have tried the playing to our strengths angle but it didn't seem to work too well.

zaphod - I totally get the idea of being accused of mothering and nagging. sometime si get sick of he sound of my own voice asking about and for things.

it sounds terrible but I don't know if I am in love with him anymore. I love him but there seems little fun and passion left.

exploded - I try and not touch his things and stay out o fhis way when he is trying to do things so I don't disrupt his plans. even if that means dinner is 2 hours late. He has ALOT of books and I don't go near the bookshelves where they are so I don't move anything. I no longer have space for any of my books as his have taken over every available part of our home.

Jessica - my dp cant seem to develop his own systems to get by with and I know he can get anxious then angry when I try and suggest anything.

painting - I am sorry you had an experience like that growing up.

When we were younger - it didn't seem to matter as much nor be as obvious as we had less responsibilities. I was attracted to him and he has a great sense of humour. He can be very very funny and is loving. I suppose I saw any hint of this as just being a wee quirk but now it feels like it has got to the stage where any challenge or responsibility falls to me while he can continue to drift through. I am really questioning what I am getting out of this relationship but feel too guilty to think about leaving him.

I really take on the point about the impact on our girls and they shouldn't have to take this all on board.

DD1 has just rang me to work in floods of tears. They were due to go to the park today after school and she was going to take her bike. However her much coveted roller boots arrived today which she ordered and paid for herself out of birthday money and has been waiting on for ages. she is really excited by them and she wanted to take them instead and go skating but her dad has point blank refused to allow this on the basis that this was not what he thought was happening. It really makes no difference at all but as it wasn't in his plan , he has now said they will not go to the park at all. I can see that things like this knock him off kilter but to now dig his heels in and refuse to allow her to do anything is quite typical. Yet again - I am caught in the middle and he is angry at me because she called me hoping I could change his mind. I have told her that I will take her tomorrow instead.

I agree with teabagtits, I have ASD and I do everything you do for the kids because who else is going to do it? Obviously everyone is different but it sounds like he's not really trying to develop strategies and is getting away with leaving everything to you.

You know it sounds like textbook ADHD-PI. My dd has it.

I am a single parent with Aspergers and have to do all that stuff. I procrastinate but if I don't do it then it won't get done so I have to do adult things like deal with the guy who cleared out my gutters.(big deal for me as it involved calling someone and talking to them but had to be done as I live opposite the woods so lots of leaves around.)

Having Aspergers isn't an excuse to do nothing. I understand that feeling of being overwhelmed as there's so many things to do at once but I'm an adult so have to tackle it. You are totally not unreasonable to resent parenting your husband. He has a fucking cheek to call your exasperation as his inability to do any tasks, boring. It sounds like he is happy with the current status quo so you're screwed. I think that you need to explain to him that he needs to learn how to be an adult before you resent him so much that you have to leave. He needs to talk to you so you can come up with a joint plan. Quite understandably you're annoyed at this situation. He doesn't have the luxury of not talking if he wants to remain married.

I also thought it sounds like ADHD aswel as ASD.

Does your DH recognise the impact this is having on you and your DC? Does he want to try to find ways to manage his difficulties? Things will be harder for him but there are stratergies he can adapt, he can find ways to manage, he will just have to do things differently to NT people and will have to work quite hard to find ways to cope.

My dad has ASD and I recognise a lot of what you said, especially the dynamic between you and your DH, it reminds me of my mum and dad.
It did affect me in a big way and reading about your DD wanting to go on her roller boots really upset me.
Having to manage a parent's anxiety can be very stressful and damaging. I had similar with my dad, where as I got older, I would put his needs first, so in that situation, I wouldn't even mention the roller boots even though I desperately wanted to take them as I knew my dad would get stressed/it would cause problems/we wouldn't end up going.
As an adult, I feel most upset with my mum for putting me in situations she found difficult to manage but expected my siblings and me to manage as children.

The situation you describe doesn't sound sustainable unless your DH wants to work to find ways to cope. You can't carry on with things like him not sorting insurance, not telling you and not allowing you to sort it.

There is medication for ADHD. is it worth trying for a diagnosis?

He sounds like he has dyspraxia..l know lots pf diagnosing going on here but stuff a out time organisation etc all part of dyspraxia.
Could you look up ideas for helping teens with executive functioning...though coming up with more ideas is probably more stress for you.. He is not going to change. Can you accept that or is it just too much?

OP I'm sorry you're having a hard time

I'm curious about something, he says he didn't want you to go to the assessments because you would tell the truth? This rings major alarm bells for me. I mean, if he took assessment while hiding crucial info he won't have had the help he needs?

I cannot imagine dealing with someone if I felt I had to parent them so I really feel for you. But things cannot go undone to save his ego.

Thanks for all your advice folks.

O really want to focus on my girls. I cannot let this impact on them anymore and you are right - they shouldn't have to manage this situation nor not ask for things etc in case their dad cant cope.

I spent tome reading some blogs and info for partners of people with aspergrs / on the spectrum. Some of which were totally depressing. I have been doing a bit more research on strategies other people use but ultimately this is down to him.

We haven't had a chance to talk yet - hopefully at the weekend. If he refuses to talk and / take on board the impact this is having on all of us, then I have some tough decisions to make.