How to convince DH that I'm just tired, not 'ignoring him'

[Ineedacupofteadesperately]

Baby woke up every hour to 2 hours last night (I'm breastfeeding and too tired to express enough for a bottle for dh to do in night, just easier for me to do it). Was already completely exhausted, took older DD to fast food for dinner last night as had run out of food in house (so I feel guilty about that although obviously she loved it). Dh was working and didn't get home until after bedtime. This morning DH said he'd spoken to me a few times and got blanked - he was talking to me as I was trying to pay a bill online that needed doing today rather urgently (should have done weeks ago).

He asked me if I was ignoring him (in front of DD). I said 'no I'm just exhausted, I'm sorry if i blanked you'. This happens a lot - he takes it really personally when I'm just so tired / struggling. I just don't know how to respond. As he was leaving I did say 'i could really use a hug' but he just left. We are meant to be starting counselling soon but I just feel so awful. He also got upset when I spent time on the phone to a friend one night and said 'you made time for her but won't spend time with me'. . I do sometimes come to spend time with him when kids asleep but mostly I crash out myself. I've organised for older DD to be at an activity most of one afternoon on the weekend and have said that will be time for us. I rarely speak to that friend and was on the phone for 40 mins at most and I really regretted that the next day (was 30 mins sleep I could have had).

It makes me question myself - but I literally feel on my knees at the moment with lack of sleep. Is there any way to respond to get through to him how it's really not personal? I honestly dont know which way is up at the moment.....why can't he see that?

Dunno. He's a bit of a dick really isn't he. Why isn't he picking up some of the slack - paying bills, cooking, doing some shopping? You might be a bit less knackered if he helped instead of sulked.

Have you got time to sit and talk to him about this when things aren't tense between you? Tell him you are exhausted and can't do everything and is there anything you can either not do or he can help with then you can spend more time together.

I'll be honest, if this situation was reversed I would be helping more but I would also feel really lonely and unwanted if my partner spoke to a friend for 40 mins but didn't have 10 mins to spare with me. In the exhaustion of a newborn we went on lockdown and everyone else had to wait for our attention, priorities were baby and each other. Of course this only stands if you DH isn't a divk, if he is then he deserves ignoring

He does help, stacked the dishwasher last night (though dds lunch from yesterday still on table.....normally i never leave this stuff but last few nights been brutal). He is v busy at work at moment and hasn't been well either. Baby feeding right now. I might have to just leave it all and sleep with her if i can.....feel it's so awful for older dd though....

Let household tasks go. They really don't matter right now. Do the basics and focus on rest

Personally and I might get blasted for this. I'd get as many healthy ready meals or super quick meals in as you can. Cooking can wait until you're not on your knees.

Might also be worth getter by a sling?

The good news is this stage does not last.
Has he forgotten how it was with DC1?
Can you find a way to remind him?

He is working long hours, so are you. That 'ships that pass in the night' sensation is very unsettling. It's not as if while he is miserable you are having an amazing life.

It isn't fair of him to bring up issues in front of your older DD. She doesn't need to hear that. Things are disrupted with a new baby in the home, true, but she is still getting your attention. He wants it too but he's away during your most productive hours.

It should be possible to balance time with family with some attention paid to maintain outside friendships so don't feel guilty.

Thanks donkeys, needed to hear that. Baby seems to have massively regressed on the sleep front recently, nothing has changed so don't know why. Trying to sleep now, just can't, so frustrating as so, so tired.

In my opinion I think men reallly need physical attention and affection. I don't mean just sex obviously, now is not the time. But perhaps you could just go and give him a few more hugs and kisses?

Gosh this post sounds so male worshipping but actually in my head a quick fix to shut him up haha ;-)

You need to timetable all of the tasks and be clear that the load is being shared and make sure that there is time for you both built it. This doesnt work terribly well if you are the only one getting up though but if you are only breastfeeding then that was the choice made as opposed to share sleep time.

He needs to make sure he is doing what he can. You need to make sure when you are able to speak to someone for 40 mins that its actually your partner.