I think I am being unreasonable; feeling a bit miserable and feeling sorry for myself?

[Rockaby]

Ugh, this is long-winded and whiny, (sorry).

I'm a SAHM to one DD.

I have a (mediocre) degree from a very good uni, but have always moved around the country according to DH's career, (we met at uni and immediately moved to a different UK country / region after we graduated. We moved again, twice, before finally settling here). Partly for that reason, my career never really took off and then I was made redundant when my entire office closed while I was on Mat leave from my admin job.

We live in a naice town in the Home Counties. We were closer to London before, but moved here so we could afford a bigger place. I'm really regretting it, as I have no friends or family nearby. It's a perfectly nice place, but it just doesn't feel very 'me', which I realise is a completely ridiculous thing to whinge about. We are lucky to have our own home, in a safe area, with good schools etc.

DH's family are closer than mine geographically, but they are too busy with their own work and other GC to really offer us much support. I am not moaning about them, as they are nice people and genuinely busy. My own mum died suddenly and unexpectedly, shortly before I fell pregnant with DD. My dad is still living, but also works very hard and lives far away, (where I am from).

I suppose I am just lonely and a bit fed up.

We have just started TTC dc2, but I am thinking we should now put that on hold. I just think the life that DD will have here isn't the one I would choose for her. If we stopped at one child we could afford a lot more for her and I could go back to work. At the moment, that really isn't practical as my salary would barely cover the cost of nursery. I can't drive (I am learning), so nursery pick up and drop off takes so long that we'd end up paying even more for nursery when I am technically not working, just in transit. DH could do drop off, but not pick up, as his commute is massive already. Realistically, I won't go back to work till she is at school or at least pre-school.

I'm being a bit negative here, because I am feeling fed up, but I keep looking at the life we have and thinking that DH has made all the decisions. We moved about for his career. He wanted to move out here despite the massive commute, (he wanted a bigger house), and he chose the house, more or less on his own. I just let him as well, because I was so fed up after years of house hunting. He said no to every place we looked at, except the one we now live in. Meanwhile we were living in a damp rental flat. I didn't want to put up with another damp, cold winter there with a baby, (DD was born in winter and we had a cold, wet winter there while she was a newborn). He had the final say over our DD's name, which is a minor thing, but something I'm still a bit peeved about, if I'm totally honest.

I suppose I should just put up with this loneliness until DD goes to school, when hopefully I will be able to try and build a career for myself. DD is happy and healthy and really there is nothing to complain about where we live. We have some nice toddler groups which she, (usually), enjoys and she is really excited about starting pre-school at the end of the year (she came with me to look around and keeps asking when she can go). I sometimes wonder though, if she is anything like me, will she grow up to not really like the town we live in? It seems a bit silly to stay here for her if she might hate it when she's older anyway if that makes sense. I think it's because I love the place I grew up and feel very emotionally connected to it. DH never really liked his home town and just saw it as a means to an end I think, which is maybe what I need to start doing.

Anyway, I have a feeling I am BU and need a, (virtual, not rl please ), slap round the chops.

Since you are there now for the immediate future & it would be a huge upheaval to move again, I think you need to put some effort into finding some people/activities that you do like - every town has them! - & thus start to change the way you feel about it.

I say this because I have a friend who used to hate living in Swansea when she had been there many years. Now having got involved in various things like music she loves it! But what really changed was her viewpoint & that was helped by becoming happier in herself.

Are you sure it is the town & not something else eg in yr marriage?

How come your h makes all the significant decision? No wonder you're fed up. What do your friends think?
I'm horrified you have such an unequal relationship in the 21St century. I'm guessing until that is addressed he will continue to call the shots and you will consequently be unhappy

I don't think your unreasonable to feel as you do at all however maybe all these feeling won't go away like you think they would just be moving somewhere else .

It sounds like you live in a nice area nice schools etc and that is a good thing obviously so I'd try work on what you can do to make it feel more like home , try get out a bit into the community and get to know people more ? Also with regards to your career it seems dh has had it all his way , it may mean some sacrifices financially to get you going again in your career but that's for you both to deal with not just you ! What about some more study ? Something you could do in the evening for example that focuses on getting you back into your chosen career when dd is at school ?

Thanks for posting ocelot.

It's definitely not just the town. You're absolutely right. I feel very grumpy and resentful that I've had to leave friends and family to accommodate DH's career and that my own career is non existent. This isn't his fault as I agreed to it at the time and he has a much more impressive career than I am ever likely to have, regardless of moving around. I do think it's me that needs to change. I'm just very fed up.

Re making friends in this town, we have no music scene here. It's a small town. We also have no friends or family to go with or to babysit for us, so I would have to go out alone really, which I find very boring and lonely. I think I was spoilt by friends I have where my dad lives. I do have some friends in London but it's a long journey to get there.

Thanks rum and clumsy too.

Have you made friends with any mums at playgroups ? I only really made friends with one mum but I can be quite shy in new places and I have a good group of friends anyway so it wasn't really about that for me iyswim

But I know how much my good girl friends really make my life better ( sorry that sounds cheesey) but they do , coffee and a big chat while kids play can really cheer me up when I'm having a bit of a bad day .

Maybe if you could pal up with even one person and become friends it might help

I haven't had a great deal of success with other mum friends. I do have good friends who are also mums, but I knew them before they had their children. I've been for a coffee the odd time with other mums, though so far I've found it hard to really get to know someone when we are both trying to stop our respective toddlers from tearing the cafe / each other to pieces . I will keep trying though. I have an NCT group of mums, though they all live where we used to, which is two trains and a bus ride from here.

I think you should definitely stop ttc and focus on getting your own life going where you are. But another dc would be a bad idea, feeling how you are.

I completely agree category!

Do you want to go back to work? Because if you do you should just go for it. I have three kids and love them all dearly but work full time and make next to no money after childcare because working is important to me, and it wont always be like it is now- ny career is continuing to progress well so by the time all are in school and I'm not paying childcare I'll be rolling in it 😂You might notearn much but you manage on one salary now so it wouldn't be any different.

Just an idea. It works for us but might not for you.

I would go back to work anyway, op. Even if you aren't making a profit now. I planned to not work while dcs 2&3 were preschoolers, but i found myself slipping into a non-person with no conversation, no interests. DH also changed towards me; he made a lot of assumptions, which were heading down the road of me being everyone's skivvy & not having any say in my life. Getting a job & childcare was the best decision, i don't regret it at all.

Oops x posted

Likewise banana hence my username. I am on mat leavr again at the min but will be back to work soon and have no regrets

Thanks. I would like to go back to work, but I'm not sure what I would do.

I applied for lots of part time admin jobs a while ago and only made it to one interview! My admin experience is probably a bit out of date. The more I think about it, the more I think I don't honestly want to go back to an admin / secretarial job anyway. Despite having done those roles for years, I don't think they really suited me that well. I definitely don't want to do it badly enough to leave DD and then end up with no net income at the end of it iyswim. When she is at school anyway, I wouldn't mind so much.

But YY, had I not been made redundant I would have gone back to work.

Have you considered tackling this in small steps i.e. short term plan, medium term plan, long term plan?. Short term - looking for a part-time job working from home to get some current experience on your CV. Whilst you're doing that you could put your DC into nursery part-time and learn to drive. Medium-term save for a little car and then be able to apply for fulltime jobs further away better £££ Long-term - the world is your oyster!! Well not really but by this stage you've created more options for yourself and hopefully made some new friends along the way.

A part time job working from home you say? Do such things exist?! I'd love to find something like that but have never seen anything like that. For an admin role anyway. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place though... Are there specific recruitment sites for that sort of role? I'm possibly missing a trick!

Yes, virtual assistant roles are home based, as long as you've got the right skill set and for most companies the only stipulation is that you have a good broadband connection and you live approximately 1-2 hours away from the office. I saw one for PWC this week on www.workingmums.co.UK

But if you do a Google search for working from home jobs you should get a few hits.

Good luck

Thanks a lot for that nurse!

Well, you've noticed his erm tendency to call all the shots, so that's a positive. Many sleepwalk through that and don't notice it until it's too late.. There's still time, you're still in good time. You've stopped ttc bcs you've realised you're not happy, that you're leading his life, not yours..

Your expectations of yourself seem to be quite low? You got a so-so degree but at a good uni - that's plenty to capitalise on. Perhaps do some career coaching /courses to identify where your interests and skills lie and your possible options.

It won't be easy if you feel you've been dominated by someone else's will, whether or not he means to do that. I suppose some people blindly crash through, not fully realising how that can squash others in their wake. You are bereaved - not a small thing - and that can manifest in many ways. Perhaps your unwitting passivity to date is largely down to that? And many moves, new baby etc etc. You may not be the sort who likes change eg.

Perhaps find out who you are, what you like and don't like, what floats your boat. It looks like you're going to have to carve out your life yourself re your husband doesn't appear to have the sensitivity to recognise he has a tendency to dominate things.

You could start with not being in awe of him /his career. He's got where he is bcs of the type of person he is. The type of person you are is just as relevant - for a start, your innate soft skills are vital for plumping out a long term relationship. Don't let him call the shots, it won't be good for your relationship in the long run.

Courage! As the French would say. You can do it Stanley. You got to a good uni didn't you? Less of the p/t admin stuff, you can do better than that for yourself (not that there's anything wrong with p/t admin IF that's what someone wants of course! It's not what you want, it's not fulfilling you). xx

Aw what a nice post springy. Thank you.

Yes, in some ways, it's good I have some down time now to decide what I really want to do. I never planned to start a career in admin, it was just convenient at the time. I think DH would support me doing some further study if I was sure what I wanted to do. I have an outplacement company through my redundancy package (not sure if that will be out of date by now though). I could contact them again maybe.

Re DH, we did talk about things last night. He was very lovely about it all and says he'll support whatever I want to do to be happier. He is a little insensitive or maybe obtuse sometimes. I don't think he means to be at all, he just sees a goal and aims for it, which makes him blinkered sometimes. He's happy to wait re TTC as well.

Also, thanks very much for all the comments. It's been genuinely, really helpful and a great support. Thank you for not saying I am being self-indulgent. I do feel like it sometimes, as I know I have a lot to be happy about.

Do remember that when you go to work your Dh should be paying for a fair proportion of any childcare, it is not just your cost.
Good luck with driving. I re-learned when I was pregnant and it made a huge difference to be able to get out and about more easily.

Maybe you need to sharpen up yr app form writing skills? - it can be difficult after a time away to get back into 'selling yourself' mode. You need to concentrate on skills, knowledge & experience in relation to the role & provide evidence of this from a variety of things you've done - work, voluntary stuff. uni etc. And you need to think of useful stuff you've done since not working FT. Getting some voluntary experience might help to show something recent - or any job.

If yr town has no music scene perhaps it needs one?! Think of putting on gigs in a suitable pub or even running house concerts :)