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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me get through this

27 replies

queenofawkward · 02/05/2017 09:21

I'm in love with my best friend. He has a daughter who I adore and who adores me so I'm not prepared to cut all ties as this would really hurt her. I just want us to become platonic friends and for these feelings to fade.
He's told me that he's met someone. I didn't sleep a wink last night as I was so upset but I couldn't cry, just felt this horrible feeling in my stomach.
In some ways this is good, I'll have to swallow my feelings and meet her if things go well. Then it'll be more real that he and I will never work and I'll hopefully start to move on.
I just need to get through the next few weeks which will be painful. I'm behind on work as I just can't concentrate and sleeping is difficult. Any advice from someone who has been there?

OP posts:
Original poster
queenofawkward · 02/05/2017 10:00

Anyone? I'm really not functioning today.

OP posts:
SashaSays · 02/05/2017 10:02

Oh I don't know what to say apart from I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Hopefully someone has some advice...heartbreak is so painful.Flowers

happydays2017 · 02/05/2017 10:05

Is there absolutely no way he has feelings for you too?

Maciesmammy · 02/05/2017 10:07

Have you told him how you Feel?

Original poster
queenofawkward · 02/05/2017 10:10

Yes he knows. We did try dating but he realised early on that didn't have the right kind of feelings for me and just loves me as a friend. We are really open and honest with each other. There is no way we'll be anything else so I'm not hanging in there with that expectation. I just love spending time with him and his daughter and want to keep doing that without it hurting.

OP posts:
Original poster
queenofawkward · 02/05/2017 10:10

Thank you for the replies

OP posts:
Gah81 · 02/05/2017 10:12

I would tell him how you feel if you haven't already. If he has feelings for you then it might not be too late and if he doesn't then at least then if you're acting a bit odd around him and his gf then he will know why which will make it easier.

I have been on the other side of this situation. I didn't know and didn't feel the same way but we worked through it and he has a lovely gf, I am still with DP and our friendship is still very close.

Gah81 · 02/05/2017 10:13

Blast, cross-posted. I am sorry OP.

I don't think he would blame you if you said you needed some space and explained why. This might make it easier on you.

LizzieMacQueen · 02/05/2017 10:36

I'm sorry you're in this position. I'd say you won't be able to 'move on' with your feelings until you find someone else to love. What efforts can you make to look for someone? Are you on any dating sites?

Maciesmammy · 02/05/2017 10:36

I think it will be really hard if you are not willing to put some space between yous.
Could you not explain to him you need some space and explain why? Maybe yous could tell his daughter you have to work away for a while or something?

Singingforsanity · 02/05/2017 10:36

Wanted to say I've been in your shoes years ago. He was an ex who I still had feelings for, he'd moved on. That really hurt, but when I moved on all feelings for him faded away and now I'm married as is he. We're still great mates and I genuinely love his wife - I had to pretend to like his previous horrid girlfriends! Do you think trying to focus on finding a new partner would help you?

Original poster
queenofawkward · 02/05/2017 16:25

Thank you all for replying. Yes I have been online dating but nothing much going on there at the moment. I get plenty of dates with perfectly nice men but never want to see them again. Feel like time is running out for me to meet someone and start a family anyway as I'm nearly 35.

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 02/05/2017 16:39

You may want to take a step back as well to help protect you against accusations from the new partner.

There have been a number of threads here where men and women are best friends but the female partner of the male seems to get totally weirded out by it. Mumsnetters then accuse the male of having an emotional affair.

Its not fair but many women are threatened by their male partners female best friend.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/05/2017 16:47

It's not what you want to hear but you need to cut contact.
While he is in your life you will never move on and find someone else.
And if you want kids, then yes, time is running out for you.
It will be hard - really really hard but it's the only way to get your head space back and move on with your life!

JK1773 · 02/05/2017 17:48

I agree with hellsbells as difficult as that is. You won't move on if he's in your life so much. You'll lose out on possible opportunities to meet someone else. You need to put some space between you before you wake up one morning and realise you've wasted your life pining for someone who loved you only as a friend. You've given dating a go and it's not going to happen. You love him and the best way to try to get over that is to move on, not cling onto the parts of you he's willing to give. If he's as close to you as you'll say he will understand and it will be difficult but you may be able to be friends again one day when you've both moved on

Singingforsanity · 03/05/2017 22:57

I think that's sound advice from previous 2 posters. Difficult, but sound advice.

springydaffs · 03/05/2017 23:22

The complication is his daughter. You can't easily walk away, it's not straightforward. How old is she?

Feel for you op Flowers

Original poster
queenofawkward · 03/05/2017 23:47

She is 6. I've been with them tonight. He's doing everything he can to reassure me that he wants me to be a big part of their lives even if things work with this new woman. He would also completely understand if I had to walk away. He just so lovely. He cried his eyes out when he decided that things just couldn't work out romantically for us.

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HildaOg · 04/05/2017 00:20

This isn't a platonic friendship if you're in love with him. The fact that he wants to keep you around like a loved up puppy suggests to me that his friendship with you is an ego boost for him. He enjoys the power he has.

The new woman isn't going to accept this either if she has any sense. Not many women are happy to be part of a threesome and unless he's advertised this position as such she's going to be in for an unpleasant surprise. Don't be surprised when he chooses his cock over you.

Most of my friends are male. Truly platonic friendships don't have flirting, romance, infatuation from one party, a platonic friend is someone who you interact with as you would your own brother. You're not a friend, you're an infatuated ex he keeps around to play partner and give him attention until he finds someone to settle with.

Get out of this drama before he drops you. Move on. Find a man that wants you. He doesn't.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/05/2017 00:23

I agree with others that you need to back away from your friend. It doesn't matter that he wants you to be 'a big part' of his life or that you have formed a bond with his DC. The truth is that this friendship is not healthy for you. You'll never open yourself up to someone else whilst he's in your life. It's sad, but that's just not the way it works. Maybe someday, when you've moved on, you'll be able to resume the friendship. But for now, it needs to end.

You say that you know he will only be a friend, but that's your head. Your heart is (wrongly) telling you something else. And unfortunately, we always seem to listen to our hearts. And yours is probably telling you that he doesn't know if this is Ms Right, that maybe it won't work out between them. And you think 'And there I'll be'.

Original poster
queenofawkward · 05/05/2017 07:23

Thanks everyone for your advice. I really am taking it all on board but it's so hard to even think about telling him I can't see him anymore. I will if I have to though.

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ImaLannister · 05/05/2017 07:33

Truth is, the more you see of him, the more you will like him, and the feelings you have will only get stronger. Not only that but seeing him with another girl will break your heart. You know he has met someone yes, but actually meeting and seeing them together is a whole new ball game, something your better off not seeing. You need to cut all ties with him, as in messages and seeing him. You can't ever just be friends with this guy, because you love him. I'm so sorry.

Gah81 · 05/05/2017 07:37

I know there is a little girl here but you have a duty to look after yourself first. I am sure he will understand (he may he upset but if he is really your friend then he will understand) if you say that you need some space for a bit.

We are all different but for me, the only surefire way I have ever found of getting over feelings for someone is space/no contact. Not forever, just for a bit.

babynugget · 05/05/2017 07:45

I'm not sure you need to do anything. Be kind to yourself. From your description he does sound like a lovely guy and I think you just need to see how the situation pans out. You do need to accept that you and he are not going to be together in that way but I don't think you need to cut ties with him straight away. Anything could happen with this new woman and your feelings could change when you see him lavishing someone with love and adoration he wasn't able to give you. Or you and this woman may hit it off and become good friends which may also change your feelings for him and make it possible to stay in their lives. I think you need to just take things one day at a time whilst also getting yourself out there because there is someone out there for you and when you find them you can start to redefine your relationship with your friend. Wishing you all the best whatever happens.

Original poster
queenofawkward · 05/05/2017 08:17

Thanks all. Need to just back off a bit I think for now. Feeling awful today but need to work. Any tips on how to not think about him?

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