Advice needed on how the separation is going!

[OrlandoTheMarmaladeCat]

Okay.... original thread here

DH has been gone for over two weeks. He comes back each weekday to work (we've got a home office in the garden) which is great for the kids.

For the first week I missed him, really really missed him Despite everything, I felt incredibly loving towards him, I was so ready to ask him back here. He was being ultra-nice and couldn't be kinder, attentive, caring, etc etc. Last week was a bit different - he was a bit more tired and stressed and a little 'cooler' but not significantly. Still being caring towards me.

He keeps going on about how miserable he is living in our friend's house, how positive he feels about us and our relationship, how he understands that he has to change and that he will etc etc. He has been seeing a counsellor weekly (this is the third visit) which he says is helpful. He's obviously desperate to come back, the kids are desperate for him to come back. But I feel kind of flat and not particularly keen for him to return. I'm managing well, all the usual routines are still happening, the kids are a little sad but we are coping.

I can see that he's making an effort and that I probably should give our marriage one last chance if I'm to be able to say that I gave it everything, look the children in the eyes etc etc. But I'm not sure I want to particularly.

Shouldn't I be feeling something more definitively? I just feel like I'm making a decision about what magazine to read or which pair of shoes to wear? IYKWIM I was hoping that it would become clear once he moved out. And maybe my 'flatness' is the answer, it is clear ... it's just that it's not the answer I want???? I don't know.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom / similar experiences to share etc? I'd be very grateful as I feel a tad confused ....

If I were you I'd date him for a bit and see if you like spending time with him as a couple

he doesn't have to move back in straight away does he? if you feel the same after a few dinners then go your separate ways

I saw your original thread though only briefly and some of the things that seemed to come through were that he didn't appreciate your interests

I don't know, I've not been separated, but I do know that a relationship with a husband is more than just having him around with the kids; it's about whether you two are happy together

Hi

I read an article recently that stated that when couples divorce the women thrive and the men go under! Men, although they don't show it, (or maybe even realise it)love the feeling of just having the woman they love around them, they don't have to be in the same room doing the same thing, just as long as they know they are there. When they separate or divorce the men feel lost, empty and terribly unhappy at not having the comfort feeling of their woman around.

Women on the other hand are, these days, used to coping with everything themselves, taking care of themselves, the children the house etc and blooming well welcome and rejoice at not having the 'man mess', big shirts to iron, late night meals to cook and the general negativity of their man!

Sometimes, when couples separate and the pressures, expectations and everything else that goes with a relationship are lifted, when the pressure is off, couples start to see each other in a different light, he may see you happier and smiling more, more relaxed, in turn you may find yourself getting more attention, you laugh together and become friends again. Thats when you realise you may still love each other and want to give it another go.
Sounds to me like your DH has reached that point already but i wouldnt rush into anything you are not ready for. If he does really love you and want to be with you then nothing is going to spoil by waiting a little longer. If I were you I would just enjoy all the nice bits I'm getting, enjoy letting him win you back.

Have fun

Thank you for your words!

JustUsTwo - I do feel like I need more space tbh, and I think that seeing him so regularly isn't giving me that space. The only other option (given that he needs to work from home ie all his files, IT stuff etc are here) is that the kids and I move out, perhaps to my parents (who have offered).

I guess I've been trying to avoid that because I'm worried about the children. DD who is 8, is quite open about her feelings - boy do you know when she's feeling ropey or angry etc!! DS who is 10 is very different. He does talk to me a lot, but he just looks so sad sometimes when he thinks I'm not watching him, he's noticeably short-tempered at the mo, which just isn't like him. And I worry that by removing them from this house, it would cause more upset for them?

Sorry, forgot to add - Cappuccino, I like the idea of the dating thing. We were going to go out on Saturday night, but he was ill so came back here and spent the day (and night!) flopping around the house expecting me to act as nurse maid. I did look after him a little, but could only speak to him through clenched teeth!!

Can he really not work elsewhere for a week or two - has he got a laptop or anything that would enable him to do that?

I think the dating thing is a good idea, and maybe it's time to make it clear that you need space to miss him before you can turn your feelings around....the fact that he thinks he can flop around and you'll look after him shows that he has not separated at all in his mind. If he wasn't up to going out on saturday, it would have been ideal for him to have gone 'home' to his friends - give him crystal clear messages. I do think dating is the way to go, it could give you that chance to get to know eachother again.

I also agree with you, the kids probably coping-ish at the moment because life is not too alarmingly different - if they have to go to your mums I think it would be really upsetting for them.

Do give it another go if you can; feelings can really come back.

Thanks Sunnyside - I think you are right about the message not getting through to him. I will talk to him later today.

Re the work thing, it would be extremely complicated to move him - he needs his pc, broadband, fax, 3 x 4-drawer filing cabinets and umpteen other bits. Frankly, I'd love it if he did move it all, but I don't think that's going to happen yet. Probably only if we did separate for good.

There's no rush in him moving back in. I'd say try to rediscover each other as individuals again. Go on dates, give yourself a chance to see if any feelings return.

It's good for the kids that he sees them every day. Give him some encouragement, without promising him anything. It is awful living without hope. Tell him it just might take some time.

Just recapped on the original thread - he needs to use the time to think about the work he needs to do with his temper and attitude. 2 counselling sessions are just the beginning. This is something he's going to have to work on for years probably.

I think that you are asking too much of yourself - you need time to recover just to look after you.
Why did you have to nurse maid your DH - I really admire you for finding the strength to do that - I personally would have left him to his own devices.
Be kind to yourself - talk to the kids as openly as you can so that they dont end up being confused and adding to your worries - and tel your DH you need some space.
Two weeks is not a long time and you havent really been apart.

I know, it's going to take years! Part of me thinks that at least he's starting the process now, and the other part of me thinks well bl**dy hell, I've spent the past 19 years saying that he needs help, how much longer do I have to give it... (I know, I sound unreasonable don't I)

He also keeps muttering about how expensive the therapy is and that he can't go on forever (which makes me wonder how committed he is to going). Also he keeps telling everyone that he's separating from me because my depression has made me fragile and he's not sure he can live with me. If this is what he is telling the therapist, then there's no hope frankly. I feel like writing her a letter but I know that's not on.

can you go to any of his therapy sessions?

tbh I'd be more worried about his interpretation of things than your feelings at this time

if you don't believe that he's committed to sorting himself out you do need to keep a distance to make him see how serious this is for you both

I don't think I can go to his therapy sessions, I think that might not be allowed by the therapist? Not sure, but I have a feeling that the professional relationship is with him not me or us. I have politely suggested it to him, but he didn't really pick up on it. I will reinforce it to him today when he's back.

Bump for the evening crowd....

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Hi OTMC, Ive been following your thread. No great advise to add as Im going just going through something similar myself. Its all a bit raw ATM.

But good luck with whatever happens. Counselling can help, but its a slow business. Weve done it before and it helped, but dont think its going to happen this time.

He's saying that?

He's still not facing up to his problems then. I'd tred very carefully if I were you.

Tell him to put himself down on an NHS counselling list if he's moaning about the expense.