Feeling lost

[PrettyPurpleTulips]

I've not name changed for this despite people knowing my name on here. I just need somewhere to ramble.

So today I have split up with my soul mate/partner and forever best friend all because of my own issues. I recently became extremely poorly due to a sudden disability, before that I was independent and happy the majority of the time. Since this disability I've had to rely on my partner alot for various every day tasks. It appears now he seemed I was ungrateful and didn't give him enough thanks for dealing with not only his own issues but mine too. It also meant I effectively ended up living with him and his 2 DC due to the amount of care needs.

So today we have split up due to an argument last night which was the result of me being in extreme pain all day and not being able to access any painrelief due to him being out. This morning he packed my things and declared that I'm the worst partner he'd ever had and I'm abusive and controlling (I have never said that to him). Which considering his previous partners have either cheated on him multiple times, assaluted DC or stabbed him with a knife. Of which point I declared that if thats the case, fine it was over then. Not really meaning it but feeling extremely hurt. We have been having major issues the past few months (one point him lying to me about going on a dating site and wanting to cheat, another with him declaring that I obviously don't love him as much as he does me as I can't look through his faults and help fix him) but then I haven't been there for him as I've been selfish with trying to sort my own disabilty needs out and trying to cope mentally with this all, so not completely his fault at all.
I know it's all my fault, I've begged, I've pleaded I've said it's all me. I feel lost without him, I don't know how to get him back.

It might seem like it now, but do you really really WANT him back if he can't support you in a time of great need? Understanding is IMO key to a relationship especially if one or both of you has difficulties: understanding isn't to say anyone should put up with X amount of shit and said shit giver shouldn't take responsibility but it's being able to accept that there are circumstances affecting your OH which might require a deep breath and some tolerance. Other things such as the dating sites you mentioned would make me further question the relationship. If you can, find someone to take care of you for a bit and try not to have contact whilst you work it out for yourself. It's tempting to beg etc immediately post break up (as I always do myself!) but as I'm sure you know really, it just gives him more control which it seems he likes anyway.

I agree with everything Alexandra1988 has said.

Forgot to add, I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It feels so awful in those raw first few days. But honestly, don't try and get him back. If you can go a little while without contacting him, you'll maybe start to see things in a different light. Give it a little distance and perspective. I know it's easier said than done.

See that's the thing, normally I'm so good at not saying things just because I know otherwise it gets used against me. I partly wish he could have my pain for the day and disability and realise just how difficult it is literally being a prisoner in your own head and body. Him telling me that because I've not got my head around this disability yet that I'm making things worse,that he's got his head round it so why can't I. (I went from being fine to literally overnight becoming disabled) I just feel numb with it all. He will most likely have a new relationship in a few weeks and I'll be slagged off in some way. I just miss how he was when we first met.

Who is he to tell you how long it should take for you to get your head around a life changing disability. He sounds like a tool. If he does get a new relationship really quickly, I think that confirms it all the more.

You deserve better than this.

Atm I don't feel like I do deserve better, I'll be honest and say I feel like I'm the one to blame with everything and that I've got what I deserve probably. If only I could do things myself and stayed happy then we would of been fine.

If you're struggling to come to terms with something big then you are going to feel more vulnerable and open to feeling things are all your fault, however they are not. It is a very immature and selfish outlook to believe everyone deals with things at the same rate, especially when you set your own processing time as the gold standard everyone should meet, as your OH seems to be doing. Now is the time to try and find strength and assert your right to deal with things in your own time, and also believe there are plenty of men out there capable of empathy who I'm sure would be lucky to have you.

From the limited info we have, you don't sound like you're the one predominantly at fault here and you can't carry on blaming yourself for this.

I think he was looking for some sort of excuse to split with you. Hold your head up, don't give him any more head space than you can manage, and make sure you're safe and getting whatever support you're entitled to from the NHS to help you keep your independence. TBH, he doesn't sound like much of a catch - I think your self esteem will recover much more quickly without a dick like him (you were supposed to "fix" him ffs?) in your life.

Yes fix him, as because he had to deal with all my health and wellbeing needs i should be able to overlook his issues (including when he was being quite vile at times, but because he was helping me i should of just pur up eith it, i realise that now as it wasn't his fault) Well I've had absolutely no sleep. Combination of being in extreme pain and not being able to take meds and missing him terribly. At the moment I feel like I just want to disappear from everything. It's like I never existed to him, that I should of been and reacted exactly how he wanted me to and then none of this would of happened. Having a life changing disability has literally ruined my life.

Ah, you poor thing. Sounds like he was finding it increasingly difficult to help you in the way you needed and was withdrawing bit by bit. You're probably better off without someone who doesn't care enough before he does something really hurtful within the relationship, although it won't feel like it right now.

It's hard to think that that's how he felt and feels. It's like he couldn't see i was trying my best, I asked professionals involved for support for him and spoke how this was impacting on him, I spoke to his to say i was worried about him as he seemed to flip at times, I stayed out the way as much as possible when the DC were around so he could have time with them so they didn't feel like I was taking over. According to him yesterday in the argument his mum is pissed off with me. Probably because she thinks I've ruined all their lives and messed up his DC by now not being there. I'm completely heartbroken, all because of a spur of the moment hurt answer.

• I spoke to his mum to say i was worried