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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

They are together but they don't want us to know

27 replies

GL14Eek · 01/05/2017 17:05

We held a family gathering this time last year where BIL (DH's brother) met mine and DH's best female friend ("K".)

It was obvious to all except the unobservant that they were interested in each other and getting it on after the gathering. We didn't interfere or mention it. We spoke to both after in general terms and neither mentioned anything. Subsequent meetings and nights out with both they mentioned the other platonically.

We had another family gathering last summer where they arrived together, but not officially as a couple, and spent the whole time together.

K started telling DH and I about a relationship with a man who she didn't want to name. So she would talk in length about this "man" and how he lived a distance away and was in final stages of a divorce (all relevant to BIL.) we asked her outright several times if it was BIL but she flatly denied it.

We have spent a lot of time with K discussing this relationship without knowing who it is, and we are starting to feel like we are part of some sort of game but we're not sure why.

At Christmas they again arrived at a family gathering together (so we invited BIL but K came too.) nothing wrong with that, but puts us in an awkward position with K as we didn't know whether we should be extending the invite to K due to the lack of information we have.

We've just received a call from BIL saying he's coming to stay in our town but not staying with us because he feels it's too much for us with the DC (we've had him many times before so not too much!) And that K being the kind person she is, Is putting him up. And oh, he's actually already here and been here a few days already.

So obviously BIL didn't want us to get shirty if we hear he's in our home town and not told us (it's a small town.)

So - I assume they're together. Or they are pursuing a relationship. I know that it is none of our business, but they are technically the closest people to us. We have asked both outright separately if there is any romantic involvement and they say no, although that's obvious it's a blatant lie (as they get very touchy feely.)

It also seems like everybody else in our friends group knows about it. One told me the other day that she had been sworn to secrecy about something to do with BIL and she couldn't tell me Hmm

I mean, this is all making us feel a bit like they think we are stupid? Or that they are playing some kind of game with us.

Do I sound like the noisiest person in the world? Or am I justified in my feelings?

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 01/05/2017 17:08

They probably want to keep it quiet because of the divorce. I doubt it's to play games with you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/05/2017 17:09

If they've told all their other friends they're being weird and I'd feel pissed off too.

Let them get on with it. Tell your friend you don't want to discuss her relationship until she's ready to divulge who it is.

They sound really immature.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 01/05/2017 17:17

They sound like idiots.

NellieFiveBellies · 01/05/2017 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnaFender · 01/05/2017 17:21

4 and a half years ago this was me and my DP. Not the same connections but sort of similar, basically very intertwined with family/friend links and basically it's because we didn't know if it would be serious straight away!

Dating someone you know through links like that can be awkward because if it goes wrong you don't want the connected parties feeling like they have to take sides or even people expecting to know every detail because they are close to us both (definitely relevant in my case!)

We stayed secret for a year, everyone 'knew' by the end, but I in particular wanted to take my time as I have 2 DDs from a previous relationship and had no intention of rushing things for the sake of everyone else.

In the end we decided we were serious and went ahead and told everyone. Some of them were annoyed because they'd asked and we hadn't admitted it. But I'm glad we approached it the way we did.

Obviously in your case it might be totally different! But wanted to share in case the different perspective helps.

AnnaFender · 01/05/2017 17:22

(Oh but we didn't involve the parties with details of a mystery relationship! That bit is annoying! Maybe they are testing the water with your reaction?!)

histinyhandsarefrozen · 01/05/2017 17:23

K started telling DH and I about a relationship with a man who she didn't want to name. So she would talk in length about this "man" and how he lived a distance away and was in final stages of a divorce (all relevant to BIL.) we asked her outright several times if it was BIL but she flatly denied it.

This would piss me right off.

I guess it gives them a bit of excitement to chat about how they've got you fooled.

C0untDucku1a · 01/05/2017 17:26

What divorce?!

InfiniteSheldon · 01/05/2017 17:27

Why on earth didn't you say is it X as soon as you suspect Ted?

InfiniteSheldon · 01/05/2017 17:28

Excellent spell check error I really hope BiL is called Ted

c3pu · 01/05/2017 17:35

Every time she denies she's in a relationship with BIL, keep feeding her information about how awful the BIL is. Make up more and more outrageous stories about antics and shenanigans that he gets up to.

Just for shits and giggles.

Sparkletastic · 01/05/2017 17:39

How bizarre. I'd have to start messing with their minds. Maybe tell each one about how you've met the other's new squeeze (called anything other than their actual names) and how lovely they were and how glad you are that they've finally met 'the one' blah blah blah Grin

Sparkletastic · 01/05/2017 17:40

Yes PP!!

c3pu · 01/05/2017 18:14

Say the BIL has been showing you loads of nudes that his bit of stuff has been sending to him...

WannaBe · 01/05/2017 18:25

I would start telling her about nights out you and DH have been having with BIL and his new GF and how you think they're starting to get serious.

Trills · 01/05/2017 18:28

If she were a good friend who generally treated me well and behaved reasonably, I'd do my very best to not think about it, and trust that she'd tell me when she was ready.

I would find it really annoying, but it's understandable that they'd want to conduct the early stages of their relationship without people (not you necessarily) saying oooooh, look at you two, we knew you'd be perfect for one another and other irritating things.

Tartyflette · 01/05/2017 18:45

They're loving all the drama and secrecy, aren't they? .
It sounds very tiresome, just refuse to play any more.
Look bored, yawn, change the subject if your friend keeps banging on about her 'secret' boyfriend. They sound about 14.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 01/05/2017 19:01

Set them both up on a dating site. Then they will think either their clever clever plan has worked and you have no idea they are together or (please god) they will get matched with each other and can have a "first date" and then "begin" seeing each other and you can be free of their annoying bullshit.

tribpot · 01/05/2017 19:05

I'm with WannaBe, I'd start going on about BIL and his new GF and what cosy times you've been having on double dates. Or just ask point blank why they're being so weird and secretive about it, whilst simultaneously so painfully obvious and afflicted with mentionitis.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 01/05/2017 19:06

Ffs this would piss me off no end, how fucking childish Hmm
I too would start to fuck with thier heads as above, the idea about the nude pics is ace.

JustSpeakSense · 01/05/2017 19:12

They sound very immature, they are playing games with you. I'd just act completely disinterested as clearly the secrecy and intrigue is adding to the excitement for them. Urgh!

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 01/05/2017 19:16

I'd start mentioning to K that we saw BIL on a date/on tinder/he's been telling us about this nutter he's seeing who eats her own toenails etc

And the same to BIL about K. Tell BIL you saw K on a date with someone/she's joined Match.com/she's been seeing this really odd who sounds like a walrus with a chest infection when they have sex etc

Wait until they tell each other then they'll know you know, but will they let on they know you know?

Plenty of games to be had!

tribpot · 01/05/2017 19:33

YouCantArgueWithStupid has invoked the .

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 01/05/2017 19:35

@tribpot I didn't know it was a friends thing lol

ShelaghTurner · 01/05/2017 19:37

I couldn't be doing with this, whatever the reason. Just tell them you know FGS. And that if they want to piss about like a couple of kids then good for them but to leave you out of it.