What happened to the old fashioned beliefs of 'one strike and you're out'?

[Ilovepeppa]

I'm back again to have yet another moan about my DH that had a ONS whilst working away.

I have decided after weeks of thinking about this constantly, to end my marriage as the trust has gone and beyond repairing.

When I told my parents and a couple of close friends my decision, they were surprised and said "can't you work through it? Try marriage counselling"!! I went to see a divorce lawyer and even she was the same.

What happened to 'one strike and you're out'? Why does it seem the norm these days to brush it under the carpet. How many affairs does one class as enough is enough now? Isn't one episode of cheating enough for people these days.

Feel really pissed off about it. Just wondered what other people's views were?

Maybe they don't want to pile in incase you change your mind?

If you're not happy about your solicitor go find another one who'll be on your side and totally fight your corner. I wouldn't have instructed any solicitor who suggested I give it another go.

Alternatively maybe you come across as unsure?

I'm really sorry you're going thro this. I can completely usnerstand why you'd want to leave after your stbxh's behaviour.

Maybe they don't want to pile in incase you change your mind?

I agree. I don't think it is the norm to brush affairs under the carpet. Sorry this happened.

I think if the trust has gone, it's gone. Couples can recover from an affair but it takes a lot of work. Stick to your guns, only you know how you feel and what you can live with, it's totally your choice. Hate how pp try to minimise this behaviour from men!

IsNotGold

Maybe not, but it does give them the green light to do it again.

Ummmm
Infidelity was accepted and ignored far more in the past than it is now.
The idea that you should always work on a marriage is a very old fashioned idea. Having boundaries and following them through is a modern concept. Good on you though

Totally agree with you OP.

No excuses for cheating.

It's your decision. I wouldn't personally end my marriage over it so maybe they think the same.

I couldn't forgive a ONS or an affair so I'm totally with you.

Family solicitors are supposed to follow the Family Law Peotocol, which includes discussing with the client whether the relationship is really over, and referring to Relate etc is appropriate.

Isnot, it's a very personal decision on whether to stay within a marriage where infidelity has occurred.

If one party wishes to leave it shouldn't be made hard.

I don't think I could stay or want to make it work if I were in that position. It would be awful if people tried to make extricating myself from the marriage harder by minimising it and suggesting I work at it if I wanted to leave.

That's not saying your decision is anything but the right one for you.

And OP's is the right one for her.

OP I'd find a different solicitor and tell relatives this is the way it is for you.

I agree with Is not Gold.

For some relationships, it can be worked through. It is not, in any way, the same things as "brushing it under the carpet". I'm pretty long in the tooth now and over the years have come across all sorts of situations where I would have thought (in the 'black and white' thinking of my teens and 20s) would have been marriage break up things - including 2 cases of one night stands - but friends have said that, although they would have said that a decade ago, they actually had to make a decision about all the good things about staying and making it work, against all the reasons for leaving. Rarely is it that 'black and white'. I can think of two quite close friends who decided to stay and make it work, and they have managed to get past it.

Not saying that is the case for you - I obviously have no idea how much your marriage and relationship are worth to you, nor how much your dh regrets the mistake. But it's not an unreasonable thing to give a huge amount of thought to, and I think that's what friends are saying.