Partner and his parents making plans for his life - am I right to worry?

[AnnaF55]

My partner of almost a year is very close to his parents, moreso his mother, though not to the extent that I find it intrusive. I would rather be with a family man. We are mid 20s.

But when we first met I remembered his mother offering to buy him a basic home that he would then renovate (because that is why he does for a living) & would be part of a business venture in the area - and this home was close to his parents house. The offer fell through, so it never happened and he moved away.

Recently his mother has been talking about buying another property about an hour from where we live now (we don't live together yet, but live very close to each other) - which I think is odd seeing as she lives nowhere nearby. I finally started think there was a greater plan going on between the two of them where my partner would renovate and move in to this property so I asked him outright if he planned on moving in if his parents bought the place. He replied 'maybe'. Not this second, but maybe.

Because I hope this relationship will progress to moving in together and we recently discussed moving elsewhere, I now worry that the two of them are making their own plans and I will be either left out in the cold or expected to move into this property regardless of my own hopes and wishes. Secondly, I hope my partner is ambitious enough to want to make his own way in the world without his parents buying a home for him- that is how I feel anyway. I know everyone is different.

What are your thoughts and what can I possibly say at this point, if anything?

Your are not living together with DP, so its not unreasonable of his parents to not factor you in as permanent, at least not yet. DP may be closer to his mother in particular that you realise, and if she holds some of the purse strings that will influence DP's decisions for sure. Its a bad idea for many reasons have a property bought for you by your parents if they are the type that are then inclined to want to call the shots.

I think the fact that DP had not been discussing this with you at an earlier stage indicates that he does not view your relationship with him as permanent at present. You may be looking at a parting of the ways and it may be that you will look at these developments as a blessing in disguise with the benefit of hindsight.

I strongly encourage you to talk to him about everything you've written here. Don't be accusatory, but ask very clear questions about his plans and where he thinks your future is going. You've been together for a year. You are entitled to some answers. Lastly, if you feel you can't handle asking him hard questions, I recommend you end the relationship because it will never work if the two of you are unable to communicate.

Just to be clear abbreviationhell he discussed it with me as soon as it cropped up. He framed it as 'my mother wants to buy this property' but I feel he is not being completely transparent about their true intentions for how entangled he will be in this process.

In terms of the future - he recently asked if I'd like to plan a major trip with him next Summer and said he plans to be with me 'long'term'. I hope that suggests some 'permanence'...

You dont seem to be at a stage where his parents would take you into account - not living together or engaged.
Generally, I'd be wary about living somewhere bought by his parents - it wouldn't he your home. Anywhere his parents pay for will be theirs. Make sure ypu live somewhere that is truly half yours or you will have an imbalance that isnt healthy

Perhaps I'm being overly simplistic but could you not just say outright "what are your plans with regards to that house? Is your mum buying that house with a view to you then living in it and if so is that what you want? I'd like us to move in together and if that's what you want to then I would like us to make a decision together as to where we will live. Which may be that house, but that might not suit us both. What do you think?"

Want too*

Aderyn2016 - I understand that we are not yet at a stage for my wants/needs to be taken into account with his parents perspective.

But if my boyfriend is in this for the 'long-term' as he says, buying this property is also a long-term investment. If the decision is made now, then I am potentially expected to accept this as my future too? Maybe I need to have a conversation with my boyfriend about what I value - owning my own home, buiding a life with him (where our parents are supportive of course) but ultimately one that is ours.

Sounds like you don't want to speak up to him and he doesn't want to speak up to his mother

You need to speak to him about living together and where that would be - then he needs to discuss this with his mom - in a Me and OP have decided to move to X - so if you want me to renovate a property then that area would be ideal

I think after a year you should be having a conversation about where he sees you heading in the future. You don't have to be putting any pressure on your relationship by doing this. Just make it matter of fact. I'd run a million miles from any property bought in full or part by his parents. You'd never feel settled there, if that's where you're heading. He maybe needs to know you would not consider that as an option for your future

If your relationship thrives then what is to stop your boyfriend and his mum renting out the property, swapping to a buy to let mortgage and then you two buying something of your own? If you want to live with him soon then you need to have a conversation.

JK1733 - I thinkyou might be right when you say - 'He maybe needs to know you would not consider that as an option for your future'.

I suppose I wanted to wait until we reached the year mark to discuss where things are going but maybe I should initiate a discussion sooner.

Do you both live in house shares at the moment? Obviously it takes some planning to coordinate end of both rentals / moving in together so could be some time in the future.