Sexless marriage

[Teardropexplodes]

NC for this.
DH has very little interest in sex with me. It makes me sad. I'll start by saying we are under a lot of stress for various reasons, and that it has been going on for a very long time. We had counselling for it a few years ago and the therapist eventually said that there's not a lot that can be done while we're under such pressure.
I just feel so sad about it. I've got to the point where I've stopped initiating because I don't like to be rejected.
Occasionally I'll try and then get upset and tell him how much it hurts me, and ask all sorts of questions like whether he still fancies me, if my weight is an issue, if he has any interest at all etc. I don't want him to just do it because he feels obligated.
And I genuinely don't think he's having an affair or using porn to get his kicks. I just think he has no interest.
He says if he wanted anyone it would be me, and we have cuddles etc. We're quite nice with each other generally and I don't want to walk away over this.
I don't know whether it's fair for me to tell him how I feel, which leads to tears and arguments, or whether to just accept this as my lot.
It's not really advice on getting back into action that I'm looking for, more whether it's bad for me to take it so badly, and to tell him I feel that way.
I can keep quiet for months on end but eventually it rears its head as an issue.

You can't help the way you feel. It will lead to more resentment if you don't speak to him. He is really being very fair

Isn't

I do speak to him but it just seems to cause arguments because he says my thoughts are based on nothing, and that I should know he loves me, fancies me etc.
But it's not normal to go four months without any attempt at sex, is it?
I know I'm not always the most secure, but I think this would get to most people.

So how often has it been over the last few years?

A couple of years ago it was about once a week, but its dwindled off, to about monthly, and more recently not at all. This four months is the longest it's been but it was probably a couple of months before that.

It's a difficult dilemma. If the roles were reversed we would not accept a man moaning and getting upset about a lack of sex. However a dead bedroom is genuinely hurtful and destructive to the wellbeing of a long term relationship.

Would you ever leave him because of it. I think you are well within your rights to call and end to a relationship if there is no sex.

I really don't know. We're not there yet, and it seems such a silly and selfish thing to end a relationship over.
We function well as friends and even as husband and wife, apart from this.
The stresses we are under would stay with me but I'd lose his support and have to cope alone. And honestly, I'd miss him.
I've been through a big separation before, from my children's father, and it's no walk in the park. I don't think walking away from a man I love and who loves me, for the sake of sex, is going to make anything better. My life would be worse without him in it.

Is it sex that he's gone off of, or sex with you? Maybe something or someone, lurking in the back ground

@Naze, would you say that about a woman that went off sex? Men can go off sex too without someone or something lurking in the background.

After experiencing the end of my 20 year relationship after 6 years of no sex. I would say tread carefully. If talking about it hasn't worked be careful not to let this become a habit. I think the talking and arguments just made everything worse for us though I understand completely how you feel. It sounds to me like your partner is depressed with his life and if you have genuine stresses then nothing will improve if you don't address those. I would advise concentrating on yourself - get fitter - if needed, often the best way to change a relationship dynamic is to change yourself and the way you deal with it. But if it has only been months, then I would step back and give him some space. Organise some good things for you to do together or apart. Marriage is a long game and these troughs are part of it. Good luck.

That's good advice Rosa. Thanks.
I have been working on myself. I've recently lost 2stone and am at the gym a lot. I'm looking better than I've looked for ages, and I hoped it would change things but I just feel like part of the furniture.
You're right, he is depressed with his life, and I get that it's tough. The stresses we have won't improve for a couple of years at least, through sheer circumstance. I feel like we need to be strong to face them together.
I've got a really good summer lined up with gigs, holidays, visits to friends. I know life is hard but I do try to make the best of it.
I just can't seem to convey that to him. I understand depression is awful, I have plenty of experience, but it's taught me that you have to take charge of things yourself.
That's partly why this is so frustrating.

Pm me going through simlar

he is depressed with his life
That won't do anything for his libido. Is there any way of addressing the stress in your lives?

He's got an interview for a new job (a return to an old job really) which if he gets will help some of the financial stress. We're ok but we're both self employed and have had a bit of a bad run lately. I just hope he gets it because if he doesn't he'll be very disappointed.
The other stress is family related and will only improve with time. We just have to hang in there.
We do get quite a few weekends to ourselves, and if the job comes off we'll be able to plan more weekends away etc. That's something we always used to do lots but haven't been able to much recently. We spend much more time at home, bored, stressed and skint than we ever have.
I'm trying to get him to join my gym so we can do that too. I think it would help his mood.