Falling in love with someone else - so confused

[dazedandconfused]

I feel deceitful even writing this. DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 7. We have 2 young children. He is a lovely man, and a great dad, but life has been really hard for a long time now - pressures of children, no time/inclination for us.

I started doing a course a few months ago, and (I know this sounds totally ridiculous), but I've fallen in love with the course tutor. I wasn't looking for anything like this - it's just been like a bomb going off in the middle of my life. I suddenly feel this huge joy in my life, and I feel like maybe there is more to life than we have. I'm only 35, and I don't want to resign myself to taking each other for granted and stumbling along until I die. I know that the feelings are reciprocated, but have no intention of having an affair whilst in marriage.

Am I completely insane to even consider the disruption and upset to my two kids through my selfish desire for joy for myself? Is it possible for something like this to work?
I'm confused and scared.

You know how when you were a teenager you could fall head over heels with a teacher, pop star or other unattainable figure and it felt so real but you knew it was just a crush?

Don't think that this is any different...

...I know people who've been there, done that, and it all ends in tears... for you as much as anyone else.

Ok i'm going to shoot from the hip, you could possibly be going through a pre mid life crisis, yes you know your dh well etc etc and suddenly through a heady combination imo have encountered a tutor who makes you feel alive etc, thing is first and foremost, that "bomb" you speak of is probably more of an awakening in you as to your potential.

Unfortunatly, when we find ourselves in a rut it is often easier to fantasise about someone something else as it to an extent absolves us from having to do the hard work of facing up to the situation in hand.

By all means, it's no sin to fantasise, in fact I'd positively encourage it but and heres the but, no honeymoon period lasts forever, eventually (and lets assume in fantasy you got with tutor) he will as most humans do eventually, leave smelly socks on the floor, pick his arse/nose/toenails take your pick but ultimatly unless you think your present relationship is truly over I'd give this long hard clinical thought.

i agree with mahmai. when you say you love him, imagine going over to his house and discovering smelly laundry hanging here and there, imagine a smell you dont recognize and dont particularly fancy coming from one of the rooms in his house. imagine him talking on the phone to a friend who has just called and having a really annoying conversation about how he'd love to spend the whole weekend with the guys watching football....

you are probably sitting in class thinking of all the wonderful, beautiful and shiny things you see in this guy and making a fantasy out of someone who is an ordinary person and will, with all the passion he may have now, suddenly turn boring and unadventurous when he has to help with your kids, or under new rules.

maybe try to think of the ugly things and at the same time think about reaching inside yourself to check if that is also a time when you love him

otherwise not worth it

I have to agree with what's already been said... I spent several years rasing my children alone after a break-up and I wouldn't wish it on you or anyone - because ultimately that's what I believe will appen to you - you'd lose your dh and it wouldn't work out with fantasy man because that's all it is - you're falling in love with the IDEA of him, npt the man himself.

Trust me, a lovely man who's also a great dad is worth his weight in gold and to be appreciated - there is no greener grass!

you're bored but this is not the way to perk things up!

read my thread, (oh no, not another one...), It might help yu see things more clearly.

I'd have a good hard look about what it is that appeals to you about your tutor, and try to find out how you can get that somewhere else. Is it the novelty? Is it that he doesn't take you for granted? Is it the intellectual thing? Talk to your DH about what you need and want, and try to get it with him, if you can.

Life is hard, there are always pressures, but taking the time and the space and the money to sort this out is going to be a lot cheaper and easier than a divorce.

(And I agree with the others - I would call this an infatuation, not love.)

You're right, I must be completely mad even to consider. It's good to be able to talk about it, though. Helps me understand what to do.

Thanks a lot.

Ernest, I have read your thread, and I'm so sorry this has happened.

Hi there...hm...I think, that maybe, after being a long time together sometimes the romance etc...gets lost a bit, but tbh, that will happen in every relationship...so, yes, in a new relationship htings will all be hot and steamy probably, however, that will fade with time.
I think, as long as you are in a good companionable relationship with your dh, you would be daft to act on this....however, a bit of daydreaming doesn't do any harm
Sometimes that is all we need to give that lil bit of extra excitement, and it doesn't hurt anyone.
I really think that a relationship build on friendship and respect is the best way long term...not sure fi this is so for you, but I know my dh and I go through phases where we are more physical then at other times!

Use this as a good wake up call to focus on your current marriage and do whatever it takes to get the spark/excitement/enjoyment back with your dh who is a 'lovely man and a great dad'.

I'd always say you should try everything you can to make a marriage work and only if you know you've tried your very best and there really is no hope left, then end the relationship, then move on.

Could you have a good talk to your dh about the sorts of things that you both might like to start doing in order to get everything you need from your current relationship? You never know, he may be feeling the same way too and be glad that you have a strong enough relationship to be open and honest and put things right.

Message withdrawn

No it's not possible something like this could work without breaking the hearts of the most important people in your life. As the others have said, you've spent years becoming accustomed to your DH's imperfections and training him to suit you, do you really want to start all over again?
If this is your first outing into the world without kids, it was probably just a matter of time but it doesn't make it real.
Live your secret fantasy life in your head and talk to your DH about the life with him that you would like to live, ask him how he sees the future. Work out together what to do to make things better, maybe you could even work out a timeplan for things to happen.
Things will change for you, are your kids at school yet?

Have recently been through a similar thing with a colleague and it was definitely a learning experience for me.

Yes, he will make you feel fantastic for now but as a lot of posters have already said, what you're feeling at the moment is the rush of adrenalin and lust like the first stages of a new relationship and this doesn't last forever.

Definitely work on reigniting the spark in your relationship with dh. Good luck.

I echo most of whats already been said in great ways by everyone.

What you are feeling is a spark of passion, it makes you feel alive. If you had met him once, you would always have wondered "what if...." and left it there with a returning daydream about what happened next. Its because you have had prolonged contact with him that you feel like you must love him. Its just that the spark has grown.

Its association. You are bored and a little down, someone comes along who excites you and your brain associates them with making your life better. They didn't. They just awakened a part of you. Thats a good thing.

Remember, there is nothing majorly wrong in your relationship with your DH, it just needs turning upside down and refreshed. Thats why people say good relationships need work. Don't falter with your DH, you are on a good path.

you ok?

Thanks for the advice again. Don't know what I'd do without mn. I'm still feeling pretty miserable, to be honest. I'm trying hard with DH, and we have had some better moments. I'm trying to focus on making this relationship work, and I think it's right that I would have to consider it on its own merits without considering this other man. It's just that every time I see him, it turns me upside down.

DAC I understand some of what you're going through. Don't really want to go over it all here and now but if you want to CAT me for talk about having a lovely husband, two small children and a crush on someone then please feel free .b

If you want my honest opinion, you need to stop seeing him, for a long time, to see if your perspective changes.

I had a relationship with one of my tutors at uni. He turned out to be a complete tosser though as unbeknown to me at the time he was also involved with someone else who was heavily pregnant with his child.

When I found out, I dropped him like a hot turd.

Teachers / tutors/ lecturers can have an amazing allure - it's the intelligence wrapped up in the unattainable that is so appealing - mysterious almost. But believe me even they leave skid marks and have bad breath in the morning.