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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this ok to do this ?

29 replies

user123345 · 01/05/2017 09:12

Hi all, I have posted his in AIBU. Another poster advised me to post here to stop me getting a kicking and was curious if a different board would get a different response.

My husband travels a lot for work often travelling for a week at a time but recently has had several early Monday morning meeting which has meant he has left on a Sunday late afternoon. I was at a hens night last night and we stayed the night and it was too far for a cab back. I left the house Saturday, husband waved me off - have fun see you tomorrow ! The B&B we stayed at had no cell reception so I could text him to say we are on our back until about 10:30 when we stopped to get a coffee. By that point phone was really low on charge, I saw 3 messages from him asking if I had a fun night could he call ect ... i quickly messaged back to say all good, was on my way and had no battery. Got back to the house and he is nowhere to been seen and I had no house keys (as He told me he would be home) by this point I had no battery to call him or check my messages. Friend called him straight to voicemail - very weird. Borrowed a phone charger from my neighbour and low a behold I had a text from him. "Ok, well bad news I'm afraid. Don't rush home - I'm at the airport. Realised on Thursday that I was flying today but didn't want to add more upset to your day 😫 " would you complete loose your shit over this ? I had to get a locksmith to get me into the house. (That's not a big deal, it was quick he picked a lock at the back of the house - no change of keys needed) He has hardly spoken to me since, thinks I'm overreacting and it's no big deal. That I'm just pissed off that I didn't have my keys. He was being very evasive, would not take a call nor did he answer the hotel phone at 10:40 last night. As he apparently was in the hotel bar ? This isn't stacking up for me ...... is this normal ?

OP posts:
Singyourheartout · 01/05/2017 10:15

I read your other post as well. And I think he was a complete dick! He should have told you Thursday! Not as he was on the way to the airport Hmm. I think you need a serious talk with him about it. It may just be him being an inconsiderate and forgetful but he lead you to believe he would be at home when he was not going to be. For me that lying and would make me think what else has he been lying about. But when he get home have a good long chat about it.

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 10:18

Thank you sing - I would love to talk to him but he won't even answer the phone

OP posts:
Singyourheartout · 01/05/2017 10:19

Is that usual when he is away on a business trip? Do you know where e actually is?

HoHoHoHo · 01/05/2017 10:20

Going without keys is a bit risky. Emergencies happen and people have to go out unexpectedly. Did he know you didn't have keys?

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 10:21

Not always and he is often hard to get hold off ... it's after 9pm there now and he still won't pick up the phone

OP posts:
onlyconnect · 01/05/2017 10:24

He's being a dick but still, something I never understand is why people go out without keys. Even when a couple go out together I've been in situations several times where a problem has arisen because they only have one set of keys between them. Also, why couldn't he hide a key for you?

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 01/05/2017 10:25

Why is he not talking to you? Did you actually lose your shit at him? It's not clear, to me, whether or not you did.
Why didn't he tell you before you left? So that you could take your keys with you? Would it have caused an argument if he had?

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 10:28

He didn't want to tell me before he left so as not to upset me. Yes I lost my shit at him when we wouldn't/ still won't pick up his phone .....

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 01/05/2017 10:32

So just to be clear - you went away for the weekend and didn't take keys (? Deliberately or did you just forget?). You had bad reception so you were incommunicado while you were away. You get home to find that he forgot he had to go away for work and so has left, meaning you are locked out. And now he is being distant and not communicating with you while he's away - ?
Is that all correct ?

usernumbernine · 01/05/2017 10:34

I always take my keys and I don't understand why you wouldn't?

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 10:35

I forgot my keys as I often don't take them ... he didn't forget to tell me he knew Thursday but decided not to tell me he was going away

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 01/05/2017 10:38

Ok so he realised on Thursday that he had to go away but didn't want to upset you (?) so he didn't tell you. And therefore you didn't take your keys. And you're cross with him that he didn't say 'hey make sure you take your keys as I've got to go away for work so I won't be here to let you in' - ?

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 01/05/2017 10:40

When you say that he didn't want to upset you, what does upset mean? Would you have lost your shit at him then? Was he just trying to delay the inevitable row?
I'm just trying to work out why he wouldn't tell you he was leaving early before you left, or at least check that you had your keys.
It seems you have a bit of a communication problem here.

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 10:40

I'm upset that he was away on the weekend and lied to me.

OP posts:
kath6144 · 01/05/2017 10:41

user - maybe she forgot, maybe because she expected him to be home when she arrived. I dont always take keys if I know someone will be here when I return. Are you so perfect that you never forget anything?

The point is, the DH purposely didnt tell her he was going away Sunday instead of Monday and purposely didnt leave her any keys. And now refuses to speak to her. Sorry, but I think he has a total lack of respect for her.

Op as per my reply on other thread, I think he is totally out of order, but only you can decide what to do about it, especially if he refuses to engage with you.

kath6144 · 01/05/2017 10:43

My post was addressed to usernumbernine, btw.

jeaux90 · 01/05/2017 10:46

OP do you often argue about him travelling for his job or 'lose your shit' at him?

I ask because maybe he just couldn't be bothered with the same old discussion and I would say this to you.....if he has to travel for work (like I do) and is senior (like I am) it's sometimes necessary to leave at the weekend to make the Monday morning meetings. Especially if you are senior.

I think you need to decide if this lifestyle is for you. He shouldn't have lied about it but I can understand why people do. I used to get fed up with my ex going on about it.

JennyHolzersGhost · 01/05/2017 10:48

I think we need a bit more context about how your relationship usually is, before we can say whether he is in the wrong, tbh.
It could either be a misplaced attempt at doing what he thought was right or it could be that he's a twat who's treating you like shit - from the info given it's hard to say without context.
From the info you've given I'd say that you're not wrong to be annoyed about the inconvenience and about him now appearing to avoid talking to you, but whether that is a big deal or a minor irritation is impossible to say without context.

AlternativeTentacle · 01/05/2017 10:50

And you're cross with him that he didn't say 'hey make sure you take your keys as I've got to go away for work so I won't be here to let you in' - ?

I think she is cross because he left the country without telling her. And letting her go out without her keys.

Grayelephant · 01/05/2017 11:51

I think him avoiding conversation now is a red herring. From what I understand, you woke him up with a text accusing him of having an affair and then had a row with him on the phone, and now he's saying he needs some space.... It's a bit different from him just blanking you.

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 12:06

This lifestyle isn't for me anymore and I've made a big call on it.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 01/05/2017 12:15

His behaviour is at best totally inconsiderate, and at worst very suspicious.

Wondermoomin · 01/05/2017 12:19

I don't think either of you is smelling of roses tbh. You're presumably an adult, you should take your keys with you instead of being angry that there's no-one there to let you in. You should've charged your phone up at the B&B. I wonder if you realise how hypocritical it is to complain about your OH being uncontactable when you allowed your phone to run out of battery therefore being uncontactable yourself.

Consistently going away on business on Sunday afternoons/evenings is another matter completely - most people would actively avoid having to lose half their weekend to work on anything more than an occasional basis, so I would find this unusual at best and suspicious at worst.

JennyHolzersGhost · 01/05/2017 12:22

I've just read all of your other thread OP. I think you would have got more helpful replies if you had elaborated a lot more to begin with. It's very hard to advise an OP who seems to be going out of their way to give as little info and context as possible.

If you'd posted saying 'DH is being an arse and I'm worried that his evasion means he's up to no good, what do you all reckon?' then it would have been easier to work out what you were asking about.

Having read both threads my advice is - you need to develop much better ways of communicating openly and respectfully with each other and if he isn't up for doing that then I'd be reconsidering my marriage.

bebox · 01/05/2017 12:42

Have you decided to end things OP?

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