Long one, sorry.
Feeling very unsettled by behaviour of dp over last two days.
We are on a Bank Holiday weekend away, and on the first night, after a lot of walking, I suddenly felt shattered. Dp was very much in the mood for sex and rather threw himself at me (throughout the day we had both given each other the impression it would happen); I was reciprocating a little but clearly very tired. He asked, would you rather wait until tomorrow? I said yes, if that would not totally mess up his body (If i had REALLY not wanted to, I would have omitted that second phrase). He said fine, seemed really relaxed about it, then asked if he could go down on me quickly to make me come. Now, I was tired and simply not in the mood. I said he could if he wanted to but reiterated how tired I was. He seemed fine for a minute then exclaimed, "What's wrong?", to which I replied "nothing. I'm just tired". Then, to himself in anguish, he said "this is so confusing." Lay down with back to me and earphones in, saying he was listening to a short story. I, now very awake due to this sudden turnaround and keen to regain a sense of intimacy, asked to listen with him. Ignored.
Eventually, he did talk and said it had been a hormones issue, hard to control and better to just sleep than try to talk in the circumstances. He said that was why he had ignored me/turned away. He also added in a preoccupied tone that the "inconsistency" was unsettling. This inconsistency was me giving impression I'd be in the mood later, then not being, and saying I was tired then waking up. I pulled him up on this and he seemed to accept it was unreasonable to in any way make me feel bad about these things, and to recognise I had woken up in reaction to his own change of mood.
On day two, we saw some teens rollerblading. The girls were in skinny jeans and tight crop tops although it was freezing. He made a comment along the lines of "oh dear, teen pregnancy". When I asked him to explain what he meant, he said the only reason to dress like that in such weather was if you were after sex. I felt livid about this but but my tongue for the sake of having a nice weekend; but later I couldn't, and said in a calm way, "by the way, what you said about those girls was not true and not acceptable". He said it was just a joke, and when I said it was not a funny one he sighed and said "oh, I can't make a joke about anything with you" and added how easy things were with his friends compared to with me. He said that the media was "divided" on the issue [of women's attire], and I was at one extreme. I said yes, the media can be chauvinistic, and that what I had said was not "extreme". He took umbrage, said how would I like if if he called me a prude. I felt rather shell-shocked, but did mention that surely the prudish thing is to say those clothes mean only one thing, rather than (as I had) we should be able to wear what we like.
Later, he said again I had "extreme" views when it came to women's rights, and I said that claiming the only reason a kid of around 13 (of course, actually it could be anyone of any age) wears revealing clothing is to get sex is the extreme view. He said that I never back down because I need to redress the balance of gender inequality by winning arguments, and also that I would be contrary and argue a point for the sake of it with three people: him, and my parents.
This last point unsettled me. I have been considering if it is true and was worried it may be. I don't know why it got to me so much but it did, and I felt he was right and I had in general been being contrary. He said "don't get upset, like you did last night." I have not been myself all evening, and he has told me that I "need help" and that I need to "stand up for myself" (this when I was being quiet, mainly so as not to be accused of ensuring I win the argument or fighting for the sake of it). I had had a few drinks (along with the same volume of water, and totally within my limits) and he has said he won't talk to me when I have alcohol in my system. He also said he needs someone strong and stable if his career is not to suffer. I feel a) self-obsessed bastard; b) well why not my career, if we're going there; c) I WAS feeling strong and stable until HE unsettled me.
As we were lying in bed, him snoring away and thrashing around, I was anxiously thinking about turning over for 40 minutes. I did so; he woke up, furiously said "what are you DOING" and took himself off to the spare bed in our hotel room.
Now, regarding this last point, he does literally lose his mind when half asleep, and also loses sense of time (so maybe he thought that I had been tossing and turning to get to sleep a few minutes before I moved again, when really it was a 40 min gap!)
This is the second such late night almost mad-seeming episode in a year, and I think I can handle them if it is a case of him being half asleep.
But overall, I'm feeling very worried. I feel that all this points to him being a not very nice person, and I myself feel gaslighted. This is all out of character for him (but is it? He has made one other misogynistic comment; tip of iceberg?), but do I give another chance or not? What is strange is we have been together for ten years, but all these things are new.
I'm shattered and may not be making sense myself, and am not sure why I have written here. I think I partly want to have a record to remind myself all this really happened, as it is out of the ordinary. And I am doubting myself, and want to know if my concerns are unfounded.