How to accept wanting to be loved?

[teaandcakeat8]

I know this sounds like an odd problem
I don't know how to accept or come to terms with wanting to be loved?

I've had a couple of disastrous long term relationships and a string of casual sex with men that haven't treated me very nicely (because I've let them).

Looking around I know lots of couples in happy and healthy relationships where the guy wants to be with the girl because he loves her.

I've always accepted that's not just going happen for me as I'm not really good enough for anyone.

I know I have a very good body and I'm adventurous in bed. Because I enjoy it, not because I'm trying hard.

However I recognise a pattern now that I seem to rely on this to get men to stick around and obviously it doesn't work like that.

I do want to have a healthy relationship but I just don't bother having this mindset when I meet men because I don't think I'm worthy of it. I can't believe that anyone would ever want to be with me for anything other than sex.

I met an amazing man this time last year who I know was totally too good for me. Unbelievably he was making relationship type gestures and hinting that was what he wanted, but because I know I'm not worth it I steered it towards just sex and a year later I still regret it every day. We no longer live near each other but do still meet up for sex from time to time.

I feel like because I don't have anything to offer men in return other than sex and a good body, I'm not worthy of being with a good partner.

Now I'm wondering if I'm sending out the wrong signals unintentionally that mean men only want casual flings with me.

How can I start to open up to the possibility that a man might one day want a relationship with me that's not based on sex?

Now I'm wondering if I'm sending out the wrong signals unintentionally that mean men only want casual flings with me

You're just wondering this now? You've been saying it all through your post.

Staying away from relationships and working on your self esteem would be a good start. Is there a reason you don't think you're good enough?

Yes... it's all coming from my education background. I know it sounds absurd, but I turned down a place at a good uni and followed an abusive ex to an expolytechnic. I still got a degree and am in a good job 5 years later but I feel like I haven't mixed with the right people and don't have enough friends of a good calibre.

I suppose because I'm reasonably attractive, I am funny and I'm intelligent I attract men that actually are the same. But because of my educational background I assume they won't be interested or will look down on me.

Do you care about stuff like that in a bloke?

Well yes I do but I'm not sure if it's because I'm compensating for what I don't have and I also know I have no right to care, because I can't offer it in return.

I feel like I haven't mixed with the right people and don't have enough friends of a good calibre

What kind of friends do you have at moment?

Ah, because I haven't mixed with the right people. Okaaaaay.

I think you need to look at relationships from an entirely new perspective. Yes to taking some time out to be on your own and build your self esteem but then, when you're ready, I would suggest a totally new attitude to dating and relationships.

I had really low self esteem and, once I worked out where I was going wrong, adopted a sort of fake it til you make it type approach. I looked at how the good relationships around me worked and sort of decided on a set of 'rules' for myself. I set boundaries for the way I wanted to be treated and anyone who tried to break or even push those boundaries got left by the wayside.

I think it's a sort of self fulfilling prophecy, I acted like I expected respect and wouldn't put up with bullshit and, as a result, got treated with respect which then convinced me I did actually deserve to be respected and made it easier to stick to my boundaries. I hope that makes sense, it does in my head anyway!

I've been single for ages so don't feel like
I have the luxury of taking time out for a start.

My friendship group is mixed and most I met after uni. I wish I had the university friendship group as think meeting men would be easier but I don't.

You sound as though you have no idea who you really are or what you want. Go for some counselling and get to the bottom of why it is that you have no sense of yourself.

I'm a bit confused as you seem very sure of your good qualities ie you know you are attractive, you have a very good body, you are funny, you are intelligent and you have a degree yet you don't think you're good enough for a relationship?

Yeah I am those things but so are lots of women. I don't think I really have an edge or a reason why they would choose me over anyone else.

I've always accepted that's not just going happen for me as I'm not really good enough for anyone.

I think you need to decide what emotional barriers you are putting up for yourself, which are standing in the way of your happiness, which is surely the root cause of what you're feeling at the moment. You have some rather entrenched views...

What does "good enough" even mean, teaandcake . There isn't some invisible grading system out there you know, where who you are is measured up against a bunch of random blokes. What makes them so great and worthy? Hmm not a lot. They are part of the human race but so are you.

But because of my educational background I assume they won't be interested or will look down on me

Do you take your degree certificate along on dates?

I'm challenging you hard here, only because you're really being so unkind to yourself!! Any degree - wherever you took it - is a massive achievement.

I think you could be giving out vibes "don't pick me, I'm rubbish" which is not the same as them not choosing you.

I think you know that, but maybe aren't prepared to admit it to yourself.....

Well I do give out those vibes because normally I tell them not to bother with me or that I can't understand why they are. I thought that was fairly standard behaviour.

If I'm upfront with someone about what I want, my experience is that they haven't wanted the same commitment. So instead now I make it clear I'll settle for a fwb relationship as it's better than nothing.

It sounds really sad written down.

I don't have friends from Uni and feel that's a good thing. I met a lot of arrogant and immature people and I genuinely like my friends now. Friendships, including emotional attachment with men dating , is about finding genuine affection not status. My friends don't value me more because I have a degree they value me because I listen and care and we have fun together.

It doesn't sound like you're reflecting on emotional needs it sounds like you want a picture-perfect group of friends/boyfriend.

It would be very offputting for anyone meeting a person and trying to get to know them to be told not to bother. Its self-sabotage!

Do you want to change this pattern of behaviour ... or does it feel safer not to let people in? Maybe that's something to discuss with a counsellor as a starting point. I'm not a trained psychologist but I don't think it needs qualifications to know that (I did get an A Level in it, but I hope you won't hold it against me )

No I'm not looking for a picture perfect boyfriend... I do understand when I have a genuine connection with someone and it doesn't happen very often but every time it does the commitment isn't reciprocated. But I'm wondering if some of that is down to my self destructive behaviour.