I feel ill wished

[iatetoomuchchocolateyesterday]

Sorry, I know that's a ridiculous medieval term and no one can ill wish people in real life but it feels like the best way of describing my feelings.

Recently I have gone NC with my parents and one sibling. I am 40 and this is after a lifetime of unkindness and treating me generally like shit, too many things to list but the worst was refusing to help me when I was very young and pregnant in a violent relationship and saying I had made my bed, even though they knew I was desperate for their help. Parents couldn't get over how much I had 'embarassed' them by getting pregnant. When I finally left relationship they told me I was lucky they were speaking to me again and then followed 20 plus years of unfairness and generally just wearing me down.

In the meantime I have married a really amazing man and have had more children.

Things came to a head a few months ago and I decided that I had finally had enough after my mum spoke to me in a really horrible contemptous way, something snapped because this time it involved her being very rude about one of our children. My husband and I both told her enough was enough.

Sibling as always took my mum's side. Her childhood was completely different from mine, she was the favourite and didn't ever have to listen to the sneering and being told that she was horrible and bad and there was something wrong with her.

The relief of knowing I never had to listen to her critical contemptous voice again was huge, she continued to email for a while afterwards on pretexts until I finally told her to stop emailing me and deal with DH.

We saw them last week at a family occasion, DH and I were nervous about it but prepared to say hello civilly. When we went in my dad started staring at me with the most intense hostility, we both said hello and he and my mum glared at us both in an incredibly hostile way and left the room.

I actually felt as if I was shaking when I left, so did DH, I have never encountered such naked hostility emanating from someone towards me. I feel that they wish me harm. I know that's stupid but I feel like their hateful feelings towards me are infecting me and that something bad is going to happen to me, it's such a horrible feeling to know that someone hates you so much, especially when it's your own parents. It makes me think I must be a really awful person because who is hated by their own parents?

Hi lovely.

You have children yourself - can you ever imagine treating them like your parents have treated you?

They are awful parents, probably narcissistic etc and it's not you, it's them. Going NC is the best thing you could ever do. What your siblings decides to do is up to them. You have a great relationship and great kids, concentrate on them and try and forget those awful people xxx

Thank you Crircrichan.

No, I can't honestly imagine ever treating my children the way that my parents treated me as a child, and can't imagine treating my adult children this way. I think that my mum is definitely narcissistic and my dad enables her. I think there is something missing in both of them, I don't think they feel the same way that other people do. I know that if one of my dds was in a violent relationship and pregnant I would travel to Australia to get her out of it and make her safe rather than throwing her out, they also cut me out of their will when I was pregnant then made a fanfare of putting me back in when I was back 'in favour'.

God I am so sorry your parents treat you this way. Its an old saying but you can't choose your family. You don't deserve to be treated like that and it sounds like the problem firmly with them, and not you.
You have your own family now, so try to concentrate on your life with them. You don't need that sort of toxic sh*t in your life.

Thanks isitjust.

It's difficult because my children adore their grandparents and so I feel wrong from stopping them seeing them, but only for the kids sake as I feel my parents don't deserve their grandchildren's adoration. However I am not putting myself in a situation where I come face to face with them again, it has really shaken me to the core!

These people have no love or loyalty in them. You don't need that toxic situation and neither do your children. They can't I'll wish you or you'd have noticed by now. They don't deserve you or your children and they never will. The point to life is to love and be loved. They blew it years ago. Spend your love on your own wee family. Waste no more time or energy on these cockroaches sending lots of love xxx

Thanks sunferra. You are so right. My life feels so much better without them in it and I just want to forget they exist, I wish they could just forget me rather than harbouring the intense hatred they obviously have for me. I have seen my mum do this with other people, she works herself up over something really small, she is a very rage filled person.

They're mad. Does that help?

It helped me when someone said it about my sister (who displays similar characteristics eg she'd look at me with intense hatred and work herself into a lather about people she hates. She hates lots of people...). yy, non pc, but I found it a blessed release at the time - and since.

Have you looked at scapegoating? Do have a look on the Out of the FOG website. Lots there you'll recognise eg that your sister is the Golden Child.

Anyway, they're mad. Please don't take seriously their intense hatred. It is not about you at all, it is all about them. Nothing bad is going to happen to you - the bad has already happened and now you're free to live a lovely life with people who love you and value you

It would be a good idea to get some therapy around all this. ime a childhood like ours goes deep and it just won't work to push it away and try to forget what happened. Sorry

(therapy is great though! kind of painful but wonderful and freeing and healing at the same time.)

Have a look at the BACP site to find therapists in your area.

Thanks springy, I will have a look.

I am now feeling that despite the fact they are nice to our kids, I feel very uncomfortable taking the kids to spend time with people who hate us so much they cannot be in the same room as us. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

It is NOT you, you had no choice into which family you were born, or who your parents chose to favour.

All this reflects badly on them and not at all on you please believe that.

Look often at the secure, happy family you have and pat yourself on the back for creating it.

Keep as far away as possible and mentally block any negative thoughts re them.

Thanks dragon, I am finding the blocking thoughts tricky. For some reason it's manifesting itself as extreme anxiety about something happening to DH. He really has been my rock and has felt like my protector from them and the thought of being in a situation where he is gone is keeping me awake at night. He is a healthy 40 year old man so I have no reason to fear anything happening to him but it is taking up a disproportionate amount of my thoughts!

I had something similar when I had my first baby and became terrified my husband would die. I think I was terrified my baby would die (we had such a death in our immediate family, sadly) but couldn't bear it so my fear was transferred to my husband. Plus I felt so vulnerable and needed his care and protection.

Whatever way, you are describing trauma. It seems to me you feel traumatised by the intensity of their naked hatred beamed your way. But they are mad my dear. Think toddler when it comes to them. I know that's not easy - perhaps you could do a regular meditation where you see yourself in a protective bubble in which you are surrounded by loving support eg your husband and kids, loving friends, goodness - from which their puerile hatred bounces off. Give it a try, meditations like this are powerful - think the daughter in The Incredibles

Re your kids: do not let your kids see your parents. It is extremely damaging for kids to be exposed to influences that are hostile to their parents. I've learnt that the hard way...

If hateful thoughts could manifest into bad things happening to the hated one then many of us would have been harmed over the years but we haven't. You have stood up to them. You, the 'terrible one' (in their eyes) has dared to stand up to them and they are livid. They have their side of past events and no doubt think they were wonderful parents and perfectly justified in kicking you out when you were younger. They won't see your side nor care. These sort of people believe they are always in the right.
You have, quite rightly, broken away from them now and that has taken a lot of strength from you. Now you need to rise up and feel empowered by your decision. I can understand that they are furious at your decision to cut off from them but now they have to try and deal with that. They are angry at you, perhaps almost hateful. After all you have been through do not let their toxic venom break the wonderful family you have created for yourself. Perhaps it is time now to speak with a counsellor to talk through the painful experiences that you have been through. Perhaps a small part of you is subconsciously telling you that you don't deserve the happiness that you have now with you family because you have been belittled for so long.
The road ahead won't be an easy one but the only way to combat hated is with love. Love yourself, your DH your children and let the strength of that unity overpower the animosity and bad feeling from your parents.

See 'safe' in that bubble. You are safe. Try it as a focused meditation, 10 minutes? Sit in a chair, comfortable, feet on the floor, back more or less straight, quiet, no distractions, concentrate on your breathing, in and out, slowly, into your stomach ; then see yourself in the bubble. Put all the lovely, good, kind things in your life in there, all cosy and safe xx

Going NC is a rocky road. You have hit a rock is all. Have a look at the bodywork and see it as just a scratch that will polish out but have the mental strength to not even bother to get the polish out! That is how I manage my NC situation.

As PP has said, a bit of visualisation/mindfulness might help you to see them for what they are, horrible narcs, not shamans with the ability to perform a hex. If all they have is the ability to glare at you it's pathetic!