I think my dh is about to leave me - do you think so from this text?

[Doubtfuldaphne]

We've been together for 10 years. We started marriage counselling recently. When the counselor asked if he wanted to stay married and work our problems through he said if it wasn't for the dc's he'd have gone by now. When the counselor said 'you can't stay together for the sake of children' and asked again, he said yes he wants to work on it.
I felt positive from the session. He was quite distant after but ok.
He's had to work away for the weekend and I blurted out by text that I was so afraid of our future, asking if he still loved me, if he believed we could work at it or if he still stands by his initial answer of being with me for the dc's. I was kind of hoping for some reassurance but didn't get it. He said not to over think things while i'm on my own and to use this weekend as a 'breather' and we'll talk when he gets back.
So now I have this awful situation where I'm alone, obviously over thinking and convinced my marriage is over. He would've said not to worry if everything was ok..wouldn't he? Or maybe he just didn't want to think about it this weekend.
I wish I didn't over analyse but it's hard when it comes to either being separated or married.
His family want us to split up and I think their pressure is what's making him go towards separation. He can't think for himself.

Maybe you should step back and start working on yourself as a person, developing your outside interests, for example. Easy to say, not easy to do, I know, but I think this would strengthen you whatever he decides in the end.

I feel so very sad for you Op, all you seem to want to do is stay married, yet 2 weeks ago the very same husband was telling you that you were an awful mother? Calling you a liar and arguing with you with such venom that you had to get a 3rd party in. And all because this mummys boy refused to believe your version of events over his mums?

Where is your self esteem in all this? What on earth do you get from a relationship with a man who has no respect for you, his DC mum, and seems to refuse to put your little family first.

Maybe instead of wondering if he wants to stay married, spend these next two days trying to work out why you want to stay married and what you get from this relationship. Maybe re-read your thread from two weeks ago, when even then you admitted your marriage was likely over after his appalling behaviour. Has he really changed so much in 2 weeks?

Some of your replies on page 1 show you are minimising things, blaming yourself for his family, not the fact that he wont stand up to his mother and has admitted that he sees your little family as an extension of his birth family.

If my DH ever questioned my mothering skills, deciding whether our marriage was over would never be his decision to make!

What you have got to ask yourself is, do you really want to be with a man who has admitted he is only with you for the sake of the children?

I know I certainly wouldn't.

I am very forgiving aren't I! After our first session with the counsellor I was made to see that mil wanting to spend time with her gc was nothing malicious and I should let dc go.
I had to admit she did not do it out of malice but she just couldn't help herself.
I accepted that. He still didn't apologise or accept that he was wrong to think I was a bad mother and he was wrong in thinking I'd try to manipulate the dcs into coming home by not talking to them.
I admitted I should have as the dcs don't understand and might've blamed themselves. I feel so bad for not speaking on the phone but at the time I just couldn't face it.
He said if counselling doesn't work it's straight to mediation.
He's now away for the weekend I'm left here bored out of my mind. Today after writing down everything he's done I feel more angry with him. The way he blamed everything on me to the counsellor was shocking it's as though he was making me look awful to her! She's clever enough to work it out though. I did pre warn her I suspect emotional abuse.

The problem is his lack of empathy, he is so used to being told what to do and what to think by his mother he will probably go with what she's said (enough's enough)
When he said he doesn't know if his family can put what's happened behind them, the counsellor said the marriage is between us two, not them. It's up to us to make it work. I wonder if that's when he realised he's over his head and would rather back out now rather than face up to real life and how normal adult relationships work

I agree that you should use the time he's away to really think about the future of your marriage.

Do you want to spend the coming years with a man, unable to stand up to his mother.

It's not going to change, because he was raised in that environment and has been conditioned to do what she says. I don't see a time when things will change, unless he recognises that himself and has individual counselling to dig deeper and explore with a counsellor, how his childhood is affecting him now.

I don't see his response as it being over. It's good he didn't lie and reassure you, if that's not how he feels.

Don't love bomb him. Start investing time in yourself and don't look to him for reassurance and because he isn't in a place to give it to you.

I'm not sure what it was that his family can't forgive you for, but I'll admit that I would find it hard to be married to my DH if my family didn't like him or hated him.

I'm from a ethnic background where the family of origin means a lot and their opinions really do matter.

That's not to say that family would interfere with your day to day life though.

One thing your counsellor said grabbed my attention. She said it's not about his family and but the two of you to which is indeed correct.

However, she's not taking into account the diversity issues that are relevant in your situation. I just picked up on a pp mentioning cultural differences between you. Apologies if I've got it wrong.

A counsellor should not just dismiss those issues, as it's not in line with the BACP ethical guidelines for counsellors. It may be that she doesn't recognise that the cultural differences are a factor.

Please don't think I'm saying she's not a good counsellor. It's just the awareness around diversity

Thank you for your reply. I will make her aware of this next time we meet. Its always been hard for me trying to understand the differences in how the family communicate and how they are so close knit compared to mine who aren't close but get on well and say what we think without offence or drama being caused.
Definitely not going to love bomb him now, it's funny how every day I have a different emotion. Today is anger and yesterday was just love. I guess that's normal though. He's probably feeling the same.

TBH you shouldn't have to tell her. It's her job to make herself aware and be mindful of it.

I have a fair idea about various cultures and the family dynamics. I could give you a bit of an insight if that would help.

Is he of African or Asian descent?

You don't have to answer, but you can PM your response to prevent outing yourself.

Thank you I'll dm you, it would really help