What was social reaction like when you seperated?

[idpreferanegroni]

I was wondering (if seperated) what people's reactions around you were like. Neighbours/school gate parents/friends/family. I've just read long thread in AIBU about divorce and people have strong views about staying together if there's no abuse. So I presume this is translated into RL.

I wonder as we've been working at our relationship for many years now and it's making me miserable and obv main concern is for my ds. But a secondary one that pops into my head is - would maybe 50% of my non-close friends stop speaking to me if we seperated? Or be quite open in their views!

Basically are people as opinionated in rl (rather than understand that they don't understand how much effort goes in beforehand or how hellish people feel even if there's no abuse) as they are on here?

I think it will depend a lot on the type of people they are - our friends have all been very understanding (too much in my opinion, he's leaving me and the dc). They've known us a long time though so won't make snap judgements.

Family also accepting it quite easily, though we've put a positive spin on it to protect the dc from negativity.

I felt that thread was quite measured, it seemed to be mainly condemning parents who upped and left the other one to deal with young dc alone, without even trying to improve things. Your situation seems quite different and I'm sorry you're going through it

That thread was about a father who buggered off into the sunset with his new lurve leaving his wife with a baby and toddler to bring up alone.

So yes, if one of my friends did that they would no longer be my friend. If a colleague did that I would think less of them.

That's got nothing to do with how I would react if a friend said " John and I have seperated, it wasn't working out " . I'd simple say " I'm sorry to hear that, that must be hard for you, is there anything I can do to help / support you ? " .

No, that thread was people sounding off in a way they would seldom do in real life, and specifically, about a man buggering off during the baby grind period.

Thanks for responses.

Yes, I get that thread was mainly about the baby grind leaver but I felt upset as I did read alot on it about 'there's no excuse unless there's abuse'. ok, I don't think anyone actually badly rhymed it like that apologies!

But thanks for your responses, and flowers appreciated walking.

Nobody was openly critical to me. Most were friendly and supportive and carried on treating me as normal. School gates mums etc was particularly not a problem as we mainly just associated with each other anyway (ie not with partners)

I can think of one couple who I'd say pulled back a bit, maybe because the woman decided i was now a threat and about to pinch her husband (i wasn't!) And a couple of others who kind of decided they were more my ex's friends than mine (he probably lost a few more than me that way) Some people asked why or expressed surprise, so you need a pre-rehearsed answer you can trot out many times. But noone seemed judgemental as far as i was aware.

Gobsmacked. What!!! the Disney couple?

Surprise.

And everyone expected me to be sad. But I'd done my crying during the marriage.

Sympathy - from those that knew me well enough - but then she'd been the one to dump me for OM.

There was one 'nodding acquaintance'
woman at the school gate who kept pressing, fairly nicely, the exW and I (separately) to try and work things out. She comes from a different religious & cultural background (Muslim) and I think she genuinely believed staying together was best for the DC. I found it annoying/upsetting at first because the wounds were still quite raw, but I appreciate she meant no harm by it.

One or two couples split into camps but we had reasonably separated groups of friends anyway so it wasn't as big a problem as if we'd lived in each other's back pocket.

Well the reaction of most of my friends and family was to congratulate me!
I wasn't upset either as I'd done my crying during the marriage, I haven't lost any friends but he was an antisocial bugger anyway so I always socialised without him anyway. I would never judge anyone for walking out of an unhappy relationship, whatever the circumstances. Life is too short and everyone deserves to be happy. If there are children involved then as long as each parent supports them financially and treats them well then I don't see what the problem is. I'm not condoning affairs and think that people should get out if they're unhappy but real life is rarely that straightforward. If one of my friends had an affair and left their partner then I would realise that the relationship wasn't right in the first place. I've learnt that from my own situation, I'm not angry at my exH for his affairs (I was at the time!) at all but more at myself for not having the courage to kick him out sooner. I also don't agree with blaming the OW (again I did at the time!) Staying together for the children is an admirable thing to do but my own DD now tell me that they also wish I'd left him sooner. Life is too short to spend in a situation that makes you unhappy and if anyone judges another person for leaving an unhappy relationship then that's their problem.

My friends were very supportive and nothing changed except they won't both with exh. Work was the same. I really can't say I had any issues except one or two didn't realise I was divorced because I didn't post it on fb!

Just wanted to say thanks again everone who responded!!!

Such refreshing answers, I feel better. And yes, can relate Wee to the 'I'd done my crying during marriage...', feel like I've spent a good few years feeling crap and frustrated. And Noego - response made me smile.....

I've had nothing but sympathy to be honest. My H had a long standing affair which I uncovered.

I always had been of the opinion that if one partner had an affair, there would be something wrong in the marriage and it wasn't just one sided I now know, that's bullshit. We were bloody happy for almost all of our marriage. Really bloody happy. That's why it was such a shock when it ended.

Equally, I would be very sympathetic to a friend if they told me they were separating. It's sad. No matter who's done what, ultimately, it's just sad.

So no, the reactions I've received have been of sympathy, and nothing else. Hope that helps make your decision clearer. X