I'm becoming increasingly sure that I don't want to see my parents anymore..but I don't know what to do about my DC having contact with them. Please help

[tideishighbutimholdingon]

Hi,

I've been in therapy for a while which has caused me to finally understand my relationship with my parents, which has always been fraught.

To sum up, they were emotionally neglectful in the extreme, did not set boundaries to help keep me safe or teach me how to look after myself. I was abused for years, which they claim not to have noticed.

Having finally brought all of this out into the open with them they have told me to just concentrate on the good stuff.

But I can't, at the moment, because I am still right in the middle of processing the bad stuff. They know that this includes sexual abuse. I don't want to see them at the moment. Now they are asking for unsupervised contact with my DC.

My DC do get along with them and miss them. They don't live nearby so don't see them that often. I, personally, am really struggling with any kind of contact with my parents.

They simply do not seem to understand that there was anything lacking in how they brought me up, they do not understand the impact of abuse (despite me explaining this), they just want us to pretend that nothing happened and it was all normal.

They actually scare me. I'm scared of them, because they have no understanding of what a meaningful emotional relationship is, and yet they seem to demand it of me.

They can be extremely forceful and it wouldn't surprise me if they tried to force access to my DC via the courts...my gut instinct is obviously to fight this, but the DC want to have a relationship with them and I don't consider them a danger to my DC..I'm wondering if some kind of supervised contact might be the best way to go?

I don't know. I'm a mess right now...I can't believe that they are issuing requests to see my DC when I am right in the middle of trying to deal with the fallout from my childhood.

I don't know what to do.

OP, you have a duty of care towards your children. You fear your parents for very good reasons. They aren't going to suddenly turn into normal people and treat your children like normal, loving grandparents.

Even if your children can't see this (yet), you have to protect them. You were abused by your parents. Don't let them come anywhere near your children. It's as simple as that.

If grandparents do take it to court - and unfortunately it's easy to google solicitors lining up to help grandparents with this, and there's a current fashionable belief that 'squabbles' between adults shouldn't deprive children of relationships, which can mean one side trying to explain about potential harm to children is seen as just six of one and half a dozen of the other - two things can help.

One is that court will look at precedence. What level of contact have the children been used to, are you changing their normal. So when making a decision about what you offer in the way of contact, keep in mind that it may be what a court will then say is normal and should be preserved.

The other is that the court will look at what impact that contact may have on the children's family and whether it would destabilise it. So your therapist would be able to confirm that this is a significant concern for you, and that forcing contact would have a significant negative effect on you which would inevitably affect the children and the stability of their home life. You'd have some strong evidence so don't let that threat stress you too much.

It may help to think about what are the potential risks of saying yes to contact, and what are the potential risks of saying no to contact. Put them in columns and compare them. Which would do more damage in the long term?

These are all good points, thank you, I'm taking them all on - opposing views are good, I need to see all sides of this.

I think (hope) I've made it quite clear in my email that I need to be left alone by them now without requests for contact.

Currently parents are taking up headspace that would be far better spent thinking about and engaging with my own children.

I will see how they respond to my request for space. Hopefully it will be granted and I can think sensibly.

rumbling, that's interesting and useful, thank you.

I would bear in mind what Rumbling says and keep contact infrequent to avoid a precedent you may well regret.

I see no reason to think that your parents would not play out the same dynamics of favouring one child etc given the chance of access to your dc, as they have actively chosen not to learn from or accept any wrongdoing from your childhood, by ignoring/dismissing/papering over. You also point to narc traits in you mother. These are not people you should expose your dc to.

Great advice so far. If I felt as you do, I wouldn't want my DC anywhere near my parents.

Block them on email, all mobile phones and FB if applicable.

Where you can, try and plan activities with the DC to distract your thoughts from your parents.

Thank you. I definitely need to concentrate on my DC.

It has been a year of hell going through this crap in therapy. But I feel as though I'm on my way 'back' now and want to reclaim my adult life in a way that I couldn't reclaim my childhood.

They've gone quiet and now I'm worried they're plotting.

I wish my life wasn't like this.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter if they're quiet.
It doesn't matter if they're loud.
It doesn't matter if they're plotting.
It doesn't matter if they're upset.
It doesn't matter if they're badmouthing you.
It doesn't matter if they're sad.

It doesn't matter** because they can choose to react how they like to the boundaries you put in place.

It's like a toddler paddying when you won't let them eat a worm (true story!) or a teen laying on the emotional blackmail 'if you won't let me go to this party I'll go and live with my dad' (another true story!). None of these things made me change my stance.

You are the one who is powerful. Not them. Imagine you are on top of a mountain and they are way, way down at the bottom, shaking their tiny, tiny fists, stamping their tiny, tiny feet and shrieking with their tiny, tiny voices. So what? They are no bigger than nice and do not need your consideration.

Thanks lobster, that actually really helps.

My only concern, really, about them is that they have shit-loads of money and are used to getting what they want...I guess legal action worries me for that reason.

But other than that, there is nothing they can do.

Hi Tide. Sorry to hear what you are going through. I really relate to a lot of what you have written, and I think you are being really strong .

I don't have loads to offer in terms of practical solutions, as I think you're a bit further down the road than I am. I did want to say though - could you look into getting a consultation with a solicitor? Just to get an initial sense of what the reality would be in the worst case scenario. It might help to have some facts to help counter your fear?

They have virtually zero rights in regards to your children. Don't engage with them, stop responding to emails etc. I don't think they will enhance your dcs' lives and they can't be guaranteed to keep them safe.

Well if they went to court the abuse stuff would come out, wouldn't it? So I think that would make them think twice.

OP set up a folder in your email account and set all email from your parents to go into it. Then you have control about reading their mail, it doesn't just appear in your inbox. You can decide if/when you want to check the folder.

And I agree with the above poster about accepting parents for who they are. But that's a different thing from meaning you have to see them. Yours didn't make one big mistake. They consistently were bad parents. Maybe there are loads of reasons why, but that doesn't matter. So you can accept who they are and as such you never need to see them again. You also don't have to forgive them. You can, but don't have to.

OP I have been having exactly the same thoughts as you recently.

In my case my parents hate me and DH and won't even be in the same room as us after we stood up to my mum's horrible bullying behaviour.

DCs are fond of them but probably would not care that much if they didn't see them any more, they only see them once every 2-3 months.

This thread has been very helpful, I agree that you absolutely do not have to maintain a relationship between your dcs and your parents if it causes you hurt and sadness. I am so sorry for what you have been through.

Thank you everyone some really great advice here.

I can't prove the abuse so I guess they could just say I made it up. I have family f

I have family friends who remember something of the physical abuse, though, I wonder if that would help.

I don't really want to be thinking about any of this, just want to get on with my own life but I can't put my head in the sand and let things carry on as they are.

I can't prove the abuse so I guess they could just say I made it up

yes they could but they know what happened so they won't want to have to answer that question to someone outside the family. What I'm trying to say is try not to worry about them pursuing contact through the courts. It hasn't happened and it probably won't.

for you. This is a long and painful journey. It sounds as if the therapy is working.

Thanks imbroglio.

I just feel highly anxious about everything. I wish I could just forget all of this stuff and get on with my life.

Thanks iatetoomuchchocolateyesterday

Sorry, i missed your post..I'm sorry you're in this position as well. There is so much guilt about the DC. I wish things had have come to a head before I had my DC, but I was too busy trying to pretend none of it had ever happened and we could just be a normal family.

I think other folk have made a very good point about the last thing your parents would want is for the abuse you describe being made public in a court!

I think I would probably pay for some time with a solicitor and outline the situation to them - historical abuse, your decision to go no contact, what would happen in this situation if your parents were to pursue it. Hopefully this should put your mid at rest as the I assume that the sol would say that sexual abuse in the family would be a good reason to have no contact in the eyes of the court.

Then I think I would let things lie (remember, the longer there has been no contact, the less chance there is that a court would perceive that there is an 'ongoing relationship' to maintain).

Then if it gets to a point where you can no longer ignore phonecalls/contact/threats, you reply to them along the lines of that you don't want contact and while you have taken advice on how to formalise this you think it's better just left as you wouldn't want to have to make public the situation and see their names dragged through the mud - ie you make it clear to them that a. you will fight any contact and b. you are willing to make the abuse, and their complicity in it, public.

I honestly think that if you fire a shot like that across the bows (so to speak) then they will back off - especially as if they do take advice, a solicitor will almost certainly tell them that winning contact is unlikely, especially with no strong ongoing relationship.

They will not want to sit in court hearing you describe your abuse and I think that from what you've said, ultimately that will trump their desire to 'win' contact.

Thank you fizzygreen, I think I might well seek advice of a solicitor.

I didn't realise how much fear they instil into me until recently. I have paranoid moments where I worry they are going to hatch up some kind of plan to have my children taken off me.

DH and I are good parents, there is no reason for that ever to be possible. And yet I fear what they might do.