Honest opinions was this domestic abuse or did I deserve it

[Littlefrogletx]

This is a long one sorry
I was with ex for 14 years, split age 34 2 dc 11 and 8
Ex had a triubled childhood his dm was a heroin addict abandonded him about 11
We Were happy, age 26 i had my dd and was diagnosed with ms
I knew for years before something wasnt right but i was fobbed off by nhs
It was too much, i had a common ms. Related issue when she was 7 month old
I went blind graduallybasically. Vision did return
I was working ft. 2 dc.
I cracked on. He told me to be more positive
Anyway i had a breakdown. I had pnd but no one noticed conbined with a diagnosis of ms and 2 dc.
I carried on working pushing my career until i had another relapse and my legs stop working.
I had to stop ft work.
I was a mess, no support from drs my partner. I was in the process of taking my employer to tribunal but couldnt cope
I was lost, lost my indepence my life really
I ended up chatting online. People i thought cared. It obv turned flirtier pics etc.
I am disgusted by it now
I have struggled with self esteem etc since i was young
It felt good at the time.
Exdp found out, hit the roof. It hit me what i had done.
I went the next day to.my gp told him what i had done asked to be reffered to a counsellor
I was put on ad and beta blockers and diazepam immediatley
I went for counselling.
My ex didnt cope well
For 2 years he was angry distrustful.
He went through my email phone record etc for 2 years.
The threats he made accusatoons etc he seemed to wage a revenge campsign against me. It went in cycles horrrible shit, tears, apologies.
He sent photos of me to.people online cos i was a slut.
He went through my.underwear drawer regularly for 2 years looking for signs of cheating
He recordedd me with a device i was unaware of when he was at work or in bed
Be went through bank records had complete control of money
Accused me of cheating screaming abuse names
Then apologies and do.it All.again
Post split has been horrific, stalking ringing my parents and neighbours. Ss reports, endless abusive messages and emailing

Did i deserve this
He refuses to acknowlege he was abusive i made it all up
I have ptsd because of it all
I know I messed up i am disgusted
But did i deserve how he treated me.

[Offred]

Everyday i woke up and thought i had to go through this because i was so bad

And yes, I felt this, because he told me repeatedly that I made him treat me so appallingly and that I deserved to be abused. And it was easy for me to believe he was right because all I had ever done was try to love him and because my parents have always treated me the same way.

Reporting him has helped because the police have been so supportive of me and they have really taught me that this is not OK and I don't deserve it. There is so much empowerment in just being believed.

Even if he never gets charged it is enough.

[TitaniasCloset]

I'm so sorry you are going through this you poor thing. No of course you don't deserve it. He needs to take responsibility for himself and his own emotions. I had a bad childhood too but I try to treat people well and I got the psychiatric help I needed.

He is an abuser and you need to stay away from him. Call the police every time he kicks off, its the only way that he will stop thus, well, it worked for me in my dv marriage.

Flirting online is not that big a deal honestly. It was wrong, you are over it, but so what? It doesn't mean you deserve a lifetime of this crap.

Take care if yourself. Get rid of him. He doesn't want to work on himself and the abuse has gone too far for this relationship to work.

[ExplodedCloud]

Sounds to me that you were in a really bad place and he was no help. You made a mistake and has used that maliciously and repeatedly to punish you out of all proportion to what you did. And has ignored any part his actions contributed to your one mistake.
No. You don't deserve this.

[NotOneThingButAnother]

Have you had support from Women's Aid? I think you would really benefit from their Freedom Programme if its on in your area. None of this was ever your fault.