Not sure what to do

[brokendolls]

I am 31 years old. Been with my husband for 5 years. Married for 3, have a 2 year old son.

When we first got together everything was great - loads of chemistry. He was, and still is, the most honest, hard working and genuine person I've ever met. I love him very much.

But something has just gone. We don't have sex anymore. And I know that lots of couples with young kids don't because they're knackered etc. I do feel like that is part of it and for a long time I just didn't want to be touched after spending all day with the baby. But now I'm feeling like I want sex again but just not with him.

I feel so guilty writing that. He is wonderful but I don't seem to find him attractive anymore. I've been thinking a lot about someone else and I can't understand why. I don't want this to be happening. I want my relationship with my husband to be back to normal but I don't know how to do that. I don't want to keep thinking about this other person. It's making me so sad and frustrated.

What do I do?

The other person probably just represents freedom and the lack of drudgery in your domestic life as a mum. It's not necessarily about them personally.

I had a similar experience when still married to XH, fantasising about someone else. After we split I met up with the OM a few times but he was wholly unsuitable and not even very attractive. He was just the physical representation of a way out.

Are you still affectionate with your H? Cuddles, kisses, a bit of time without your baby? It's really important to make time for each other to try and get back to being a couple not just mum and dad.

Once our DCs were all at school and we had a little time in the week together things improved no end. Later down the line things went wrong in other ways but we had been able to rekindle things in between.

Thank you for your reply, feed and I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out with you and your ex.

We aren't really affectionate anymore no. I just don't have it in me to be like that with him. I've tried to bring it up and talk and what's happening (omitting stuff about thoughts of the other man) but my husband just says it's ok and things will get better.

We do have a fair amount of time by ourselves but just seem so disconnected at the moment. Things have definitely got worse after spending some time with the other person, as part of a group. He also has a partner but I am quite sure the feeling is mutual towards me. Like you said though - it is complete fantasy and would never actually happen.

I just feel in such a mess with it all. This guy is filling my thoughts, I feel guilty for that, I want to rekindle things with my husband but just don't have the motivation. It's such a mess.

I think this other man is filling your thoughts because focusing on a fantasy is much easier than having to deal with an actual problem. This other man is your form of avoidance. I know you say you're not affectionate anymore and you don't feel you have it in you, but I promise you can reclaim it if you work for it. Start doing something new with your husband. Maybe a cooking class or a daily half hour of exercise. Something outside of your normal routine. Tell him that you want to start hugging and kissing every day, no exceptions. I'm not saying you have to immediately start tearing each other's clothes off, but even little kisses and cuddles will help get the ball rolling.

How you're feeling right now is so normal for a mom with a young child. Most of us have been there and felt exactly as you do. I can assure you that you can get beyond this temporary bump in the road and your marriage can be better than ever.

Thank you Aquamarine for taking the time to reply. I know it isn't the biggest problem ever but it is just making so awfully sad. I will try the advice you've suggested and try and just power through.

We are wanting to have a second baby soon and 1. Not sure how that's even going to happen as we don't have sex! 2. It's going prolong this horrible stage even further.

I do find that the less sex I have, the less I need. I'm not advocating doing it if you don't want to, but once you do manage to reintroduce intimacy you will find it easier to carry on.

Thanks Feed. I understand what you're saying. There is just no spark there between us anymore.

I feel absolutely trapped by it all

It is possible for the spark to come back. Do you spend any time on your own together? If you love him it is worth putting the effort in now before it's too late. Perhaps having together as a couple can reignite the spark