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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I AM VERY UNHAPPY DUE TO LACK OF SEX!!!!!!!!

26 replies

joash · 12/03/2007 14:23

God I am frustrated. ALready posted this on the 'forgotten birthday thread - but no reply.

Okay - so today is now DH's birthday. Been out and bought him a card and a couple of things to open when he gets home from work (cause his main pressie has been delayed). However, couldnt bring myself to buy him a soppy lovey dovey card, or even one that says 'Husband' on it. Definately couldnt be bothered to bake him a cake so got a shop bought one, and I've only done all that becasue GS is quite exited that its Grandads birthday. Extremely angry with him, seriously regretting having him back at the beginning of this year. But dont know what to do.
Our problem is similar to the "...DH vey unhappy due to lack of sex..." thread, except in this case - I don't get enough and its him that cant even be bothered to make any sort of effort. God, we had more sex when he wasn't living here, but since he's moved back in, things have reverted to just the way they were before. THERE - SAID IT and still feeling really peed off.

OP posts:
Whoooosh · 12/03/2007 14:24

Replied on the other one...

Whoooosh · 12/03/2007 14:26

Or another thought-and I wait to get shot down in flames here-lay it on the line with him and tell him you will seek it elsewhere if he doesn't shape up?

Original poster
joash · 12/03/2007 14:28

I am seriously thinking of having an affair and informed DH of this last night!!!!

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Original poster
joash · 12/03/2007 14:28

whoooosh - crossed posts

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Original poster
joash · 12/03/2007 14:30

He doesnt give a monkeys - thinks I am joking. Probably because I was seeing someone (two actually..not at the same time) last year when we were seperated and had an offer to move to New Zealand with one of them which I turned down for a number of reasons. Now DH is under the impression that I have got "things out of my system" - whatever he means by that

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lazyanna · 12/03/2007 14:33

joash, seriously, can you imagine what we would say to a man who said he was going to have an affair because he wanted sex? Without wanting to be rude, how old are you, why is it so important?

Original poster
joash · 12/03/2007 14:36

I am 43 although TBH I dont see what age has to do with it, and yes I am being serious. Sex is important. Whilst not being the only thing about a relationship is a bloody good part of it. As for what we'd say to a man who said he was considering an affair - I'd actualy ask what was going on at home in the first place to make him even consider it.

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kittylette · 12/03/2007 14:37

because she needs sex, a relationship isnt complete without it

id be seriosly pissed too, i feel sorry for you joash

just as i would for a man saying the same thing

kittylette · 12/03/2007 14:40

on on that other thread lazyanna you said 'no relationship needs sex the sooner your DH realises this the better'

that is complete bollocks,

how can an adult romance not need sex at all??

Original poster
joash · 12/03/2007 14:48

Thanks for the support kittylette.
Sorry - going to get a bit long winded (but not explicit) here;
What annoys me is that when we were back together, before he moved back in, we did have a damn good sex life - just as we used to a few years back. COuldnt keep our hands of each other, even having phone and text sex when he wasn't here. Since he's moved back in, things have gone back to a point where he simply cannot be bothered.
He was being very erm ...'affectionate' (thats putting it mildly) all day yesterday, wouldn't leave me alone, and kept making very suggestive comments, hints and promises IYKWIM. FInally alone - I was upstairs about 10.30 last night and he asked if I was staying up or coming back down. Continuing the silly game he'd been playing all day, I asked somehting along the lines of whether there would be anything worth staying upstairs for - to which he smirked and replied "what gives you that idea - I'm knackered" aaarrggghhh!!! So annoyed that I fell for his crap again.

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kittylette · 12/03/2007 14:51

couldnt you just jump him - that sounds awful, but when my DP is tired and hes not in the mood if i just jump on top of him and kiss him and take things into my own hands (if you catch my drift) he tends to wake up pretty quickly

Diplidophus · 12/03/2007 15:09

No advice but I have the same problem. I hint all the time adn would relaly like a sex life. We have had our upsa nd downs as a couple and have a good sex life immediately after the downs. That it just goes back to be platonic. We are very happy at the moment otherwise but I really want a proper relationship.

I shall watch this thread.

mrsgenehunt · 12/03/2007 15:13

i am sure you are not alone

Flamesparrow · 12/03/2007 15:13

Jumping works with my DH too.

Isn't it lazyanna who is fairly anti-sex in general?

Original poster
joash · 12/03/2007 16:14

Jumping - absolute waste of time. Absolutely nothing works on him, if he doesn't want sex, no-one gets it - no matter what I do!!!!

On the increasingly rare occasion that he does want it - or when I finally manage to badger him into it (by which time I dont want it anyway)... to say that it's bloody good is an understatement. He just cannot be arsed!!!!

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kittywaitsfornumber6 · 12/03/2007 16:19

........But you don't always want to be the person making the moves. I find when i'm not preg that it's nearly always me initiating sex and I'm really fed up with doing that because it doesn't make me feel desired or wanted.
It does sound like he's become lazy since coming back to live with you. Have you actually sat down and talked to him about this properly? By properly I mean without threats, without getting upset, just telling where you stand and how you feel. That way he will hopefully see that you are serious about this and then he can decide what he wants to do about it, if anything.

monkeytrousers · 12/03/2007 16:21

Maybe he needs to go to the docs and get his prostate and hormone levels checked.

Original poster
joash · 12/03/2007 16:25

Yes - I have tried all that kitty (and I agree with you totally about not wanting to be the one who initiates sex). We have talked and talked and talked. He does not see that there is a problem, apart from him saying that I have a higher sex drive than he does. But if I didn't try to initiate sex - it would literally never, ever happen. That was one of the reasons behind us seperating early last year. I honestly thought that things had changed becasue of the way he was when we were living apart - but within a day or two of moving back in, he just went back to being this way. I am so sick and tired of his whole attitude around this issue. He just says he's happy with things the way they are and it's me with the problem.

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kittywaitsfornumber6 · 12/03/2007 16:32

Joash, do you have any idea of what switch flicks in his head to turn him off sex? It does seem strange doesn't it?
I really feel for you. I go through phases of being in dispair over my completely non existant sex life and then hoping things will change. It seems that you now have to decide what you want to do.
If he won't acknowledge a problem then you have to make the decision. I don't suppose he would consider counselling? I know my dp reacts badly to any kind of pressure from me to have sex, but if there is nothing coming from me we don't have it anyway . It's like waiting for something I know just isn't going to happen, but still hoping that if I wait just a little bit longer it will be alright.
How long can you see yourself carrying on like this for?

Original poster
joash · 12/03/2007 16:46

NOT LONG!!!! He knows that I am serious. I did spend a lot of time thinking that it was me, that he didn't like me (let alone love me), that I was fat and ugly, etc, etc. Yet as I said, when we were seperated last year, I did get involved with two guys (seperately), both reasonable looking - in fact one drop dead gorgeous. Both a bit younger than me (one by 8 years and the other 12 years. Also got asked out by another guy - who I had actually had my eye on for some time, but turned him down as I was with someone at that time. So I am now convinced that it's not me - its him, he has the bloody problem.
The trouble is that I simply cannt be bothered at the moment to go through all the bloody rigmarole of kicking him out again and having to resort the finances, etc. So I am being very honest - if I meet someone who can give me what I need - then I am off, and I am quite happy to play at happy families until that happens.

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lazyanna · 12/03/2007 17:11

I am not "anti-sex", but i don't really understand the fuss, which only seems to come from Men, who in turn seem to think that it is their divine right, no matter how the woman in their life might feel, and it is VERY often used as an excuse for destroying a marriage.

Dior · 12/03/2007 17:15

Message withdrawn

fleacircus · 12/03/2007 17:21

I think the idea that it's only men who get frustrated at not having sex is ridiculous; it's an outdated stereotype based on the idea that women are somehow aphysical pristine beings. I have several women friends who feel just like you do, joash, I just wish I could give you some useful advice.

Maybe you do need to talk to him about how it makes you feel. If your sex life picked up while you were living separately it might be that the certainty and availability of life together makes it less exciting or appealing. There's a book called 'Mating in Captivity' which is about keeping sex alive within a marriage - I haven't read it but read an article about it fairly recently and it did sound pretty interesting!

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 12/03/2007 17:39

Well, I'm glad that you have the strength and conviction you have Joash.
If (when) you get another offer and then separate, kick him out and then he becomes interested all over again, what would you do ?

Original poster
joash · 12/03/2007 21:23

WHatever I do - I will not make the same mistake that I did a couple of months ago when I agreed to him moving back in here!!!!

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