AIBU to ask for NC after EA revalations

[yetmorecrap]

Have posted before about my DH and finding out about very old EA with an ex employee of ours culminating in finding very longing songs he wrote and recorded onto CD about her (with him singing and playing (found by me accidentally when looking for something else 11 years after events as he had been too lazy it seems to throw them away) . She moved abroad and has since married and just had a baby. They always remained in occasional touch long after she did anything for us and of course I didnt know the full score as i hadnt seen these songs etc, so never objected to this.. He still maintains it was just "a crush" all one sided on his part and she knew nothing, (she was very young (20) and single) although she did text him a lot at the time and gave him a painting she had painted. . He has never removed her off FB or his phone contacts after I confronted just before xmas and asked me the other week if it was ok for him to offer congratulations on her new baby on a post she made as it would look odd if he didnt . i said yes it was fine. I am busy writing a letter stating how I feel about it all, his lack of seeming that remorsful (although I do think he is hugely embarrased and hence doesnt want to talk abut it ) and just generally offloading that I need to feel that I am not "second choice" and that I think a bit of space may do me good to think about things without him being there. I basically "would" like him to beat himself up, with a nice mix of grovel in there too. Absolutely no sign of it, although I know he definitely doesnt want to split up . I also want him to remove this person off FB and out his phone bookI thought he might have done this himself, but no. AIBU to ask for this given its likley this person may well have known nothing at all. ? They are definitely not in touch any other way and she seems very happy with her husband and new baby etc.

There is a huge disconnect here in that you are obviously angry his head was turned over a decade ago and are only finding out about it now. Yet for you DH, this is old news where there is now no emotional feeling. You are seeking emotions from him that arent there. He will have worked through how close things got and has stayed with you (based on the idea this was a one off thing - if more than once or physical then thats different). He will not even really understand that you want him to sever contact with her now for the sins of a decade ago.

What do you want really? Crying? Begging? With that be more in tune with what you are feeling now? Would that make it better? I suppose he can make up these emotions for you but I would argue that being false now wont solve your feelings over his feelings from long ago.

Its not fair that you cant be on the same page here. You are at two ends of a historical continuum. I would suggest some counselling so you have some time and space to work through it as opposed to seeking something your DH will have to make up.

Another thought. If you are forcing an emotional response now, based on what he was feeling then, are you sure you want that. It was, as you have said, a difficult time for him emotionally. You want him to go through the emotional circumstances around the time of the "crush"? How do you think that will go?