I resent him already

[PiddleMeThis]

I've name changed. I'm regular here but just want some anonymous advice. Forgive me if I don't reply straight away.

My husband has just got a new job. He's really excited about it. It's perfect for him. But it's not perfect for us.

He works for a large company where there is plenty of scope to move roles, build a career. He used to work shifts (in the same company) including nights but beginning our family we decided shifts weren't ideal especially as the children were young. He found an internal vacancy that was days, went for it and it was all fine. Now we have a larger family. The children are still young. 2 are babies. His new job is shift work. Nights too.

I am a sahm. Have been for most of my adult life. I really enjoy it but I don't want to remain a sahm forever. I do have dreams and aspirations of my own. I wanted to go back to college and uni and retrain in my dream career. It was going to be difficult enough doing all the things I wanted to do with the job he did have, childcare/time etc but we'd talked and had started to make some plans of how to get around it. Then he decided he MUST go for this job and here we are.

We dont have any help with childcare. We can't really afford childcare. We'd worked out a way of doing it all without having to spend too much on childminders/nursery. But with the shifts? Impossible.

He's just been very blinkered and got on with his plan without considering mine anymore. He actually applied for the job without telling me although i knew he was interested in the position.

I know I'm being a dick because its what he really really wants but I resent him already. He knows I will take up the slack because there is no one else to do that. What am I going to do? Be the dutiful bloody wife and get on with my chores? Gah!

If your children are young including two babies, at what point were you going to go to college and chase your dream? Would it have been possible with your children so young? Maybe the nights won't be forever.

It's what you do when you have young children. Your time will come, I've no doubt he is doing it for you and the children.

Sorry but I don't agree. Parenting is a partnership so why should you put everything on hold and his career takes off? Fair enough, you must have agreed to be a SAHM but surely you have discussed when this would come to an end? or has he just ignored this?

I think the main issue here is that he didn't tell you he had applied for the job and that is unfair. He stopped doing nights for a reason and now he has just gone back to that again without discussion.
I would be annoyed about this too.

I think you can work round this, when kids are a bit older using nursery and after school care and holiday clubs etc--I did and was married to a shiftworker then too. When it tends to work is once children are 3 plus as you get more "paid for" nursery time"

Part of me thinks he's a selfish arsehole.

But then I think - OK, did he realise that you were expecting to be told he'd applied, if you knew he was interested? Did he have reason to legitimately think it already understood he would apply?

When do these plans for uni start, for you?

Many people move on from a job after 18-24 months. Was your course starting imminently?

Before I totally Wave the arsehole flag, I'd want more details.

If you were thinking of starting the course in Sep 2018 and he's not generally a selfish arse, then this might be the best time for him to do the shiftwork stepping stone. Then back to days when you're ready to start your course - a bit further along in his career, more money (?) to pay for childcare to support your plans, and no imminent threat of shifts because he's just done it.

Stop waiting for him to prioritise your dreams because if you don't take them seriously, no one else will.

The thing is, you don't have a plan and your dreams without one are just that, dreams. I'm not saying he isn't being inconsiderate but you do need a plan, not just to keep you on track but to help others visualise your trajectory as well.

Have you actually enrolled or is it just a dream?

Taking sex out of this, if one adult is the sole earner and responsible for a spouse and children I think they get to choose their own job and what makes them happy with a salary that covers expenses.

If you have firm plans then college and uni isn't that many hours so you could work alongside and cover childcare that way for the time you need.

If you've barely worked, then even with a uni degree, it's going to be hard to break into the job market with no experience. Younger graduates who can work all the hours needed and be flexible will be snapped up first.