I also, back in the day, fought an extremely hard battle - and lost on every front. The bitch judge actually laughed at me in the courtroom and gave smarmy pants everything, down to not paying for cello lessons. After the court case I walked home, a good 5 miles, in heels. I was utterly traumatised. It was a bleak, bleak time.
But that was then and this is now. I kept the kids, that was the important thing. Ex is dead, died horribly in an accident. He abused me until the day he died, endless stunts one way or another, on and on and on...
You have to accept it. I know, I know, it's hard. Give yourself time to get over the shock and trauma, let it roll through. Good you have therapeutic support but keep your eye out for the point it's time to take up the reins again and go for that life thing. That is, YOUR life.
Ok the smarmy bastard has won a big victory but he hasn't won your life. That's yours, to do with what you will. Yes there are constraints but there is space, a lot of space, to carve out your own life. And fly.
Be good to your sweet self. He isn't God. He doesn't have the power to take your life. He's a sad little individual, you don't have to be 