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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My work colleague

24 replies

user1493233300 · 26/04/2017 21:13

Hi, new here and thought this would be the best place for advice as you MNetters don't mince your words. Which I think I need!

So, lately it seems there are a lot of threads about male\female friendships and work crushes etc. Well it's got me thinking about a friend of mine from work.
We both started at the same time around a year ago and in the last 6 months or so have got quite friendly. We would txt regularly and go for coffee or lunch every now and then. My concern I suppose, is that I haven't really had any guy friends in years so I feel a bit, I don't know, unsure maybe of just how close\friendly is the norm?!

I'm late 20s and getting married in a few months. He's early 30s and living with long term gf. I think what sometimes makes me feel a tad uneasy is I feel he may be attracted to me (I'm not trying to be arrogant at all here and make out I'm some kind of model or something) just trying to give a clear picture. Now he may not, but he would initiate most of the contact\suggestions to meet up. Also he might just text with "morning" and with a smiley face sometimes. I think reading some other thread about "morning" texts have made me paranoid but I could be way over thinking that! Aaand to make it worse, he's not a bad looking guy so I worry if there is even a small element of attraction there on my side should that spell the end of the friendship?? I've never met his gf and he's never met my fiance although my fiance has noticed him texting before and seemed to think it was a bit strange or something.

So really I suppose what I'm asking is, with a new friendship like this, does it all sound normal and above board?! (I wouldn't be asking this if it was a new woman friend). The texting isn't excessive or anything but he will message fairly regularly and I have to say I find myself wondering will he message me and almost really wanting him to...That's not right, is it?

OP posts:

Happybunny19 · 26/04/2017 21:18

I think it's best to nip things in the bud before anything inappropriate happens. You've already noticed he fancies you and you're enjoying his attention too much if you're now hoping he makes contact. How would you feel if this was happening with that your OH?

Happybunny19 · 26/04/2017 21:20

Sorry, new phone and fat fingers

whirlycurly · 26/04/2017 21:23

I regularly have lunch with a male colleague. We have had a funny email exchange today at work and often text at weekends.

I'm not remotely attracted to him though, despite him being a good looking bloke. Dp is also friends with him and they have interests in common which they do together. I really like his wife. I think that's what makes the difference.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2017 21:23

If you love your fiance and truly want to marry him, you need to end this relationship right now. You are playing with fire and you could do something due to infatuation that will torpedo your whole life. If you don't want to get married, then do the right thing and end it with your partner. Tell your friend that the parameters of your friendship must change.

GoatLePew · 26/04/2017 21:24

OP I was trying to respond on your other thread - identical to this - and got a deletion message.
Are you going to ask for this one to also be deleted? If so I think you should let other posters know before they take the time to respond to you.

Original poster

user1493233300 · 26/04/2017 22:07

Hi, op here. Sorry, new to this and thought I had posted my previous thread in the wrong section. That's why I had asked for it to be deleted. I won't be deleting this one so thanks for anyone taking the time to respond.

OP posts:

arsenaltilidie · 26/04/2017 22:13

Well male friends don't text each other 'morning'

You're almost crossing the line and you need to nip it in the bud.

Kittencatkins123 · 26/04/2017 22:49

Yes I think you need to pull away now. Either do a slow fade or be honest - you think you should be focusing on your respective relationships.

I liked a guy at my work and let him know CRINGE only to discover he was in a relationship. I backed away straightaway. It's easy to do and I'm glad I did (and I met my lovely BF a couple of months later )

Don't throw away your relationship and future on a guy who can't be fully faithful.

UpYerGansey · 26/04/2017 23:20

I do send "morning" texts to one male colleague. We are v good friends, quite close. Not every morning. Usually when we have a lot on, it's getting a friendly start on to a busy day.
Why don't you suggest after-works drinks - and invite your partners?
It will diffuse any oddness, and perhaps make new friends

Montparnasse · 27/04/2017 02:07

I don't know - I started one of the other threads and have been worried ever since! I find it hard because while I am probably closer day to day with my friend than I am my girlfriends, I can't unpick whether it is due to us just having a really good vibe as people or something else. I think the former, but appreciated the advice I got on here about it nonetheless. Since my other thread I've stepped back a bit but feel a little sad about it.

Montparnasse · 27/04/2017 02:10

Also I was once in a situation more similar to you (not my other friend) and kept a mental tally of who was contacting who first. When I realised it was 4 to 1 type ratio ( him contacting more) I realised i needed to send some strong signals I wasn't interested

Original poster

user1493233300 · 27/04/2017 17:01

Thanks for the replies. I find it's a hard one to call as like I said, I haven't had male friends since college. And that was more of a group thing and we'd all be going out a lot etc. Have any of you found your male friends attractive but just got on with it and didn't let it in interfere? I suppose I worry that I'll find myself in something a bit, I don't know, inappropriate or something. I think I might not be so good at establishing boundaries. If anyone has any advice\suggestions there...

OP posts:

troodiedoo · 27/04/2017 17:09

I think it's OK to have someone at work to make the day go quicker but texting out of work time is crossing the line.

Does he mention his partner freely in conversations, or only when pressed? Are you happy in your relationship? How would you feel if your partner was texting someone at his work? - all things to think about.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2017 17:15

In your original post you clearly said that something about your friendship with this guy makes you "uneasy." Why are you ignoring your gut instinct? If your relationship with him was truly and purely innocent, you never would have had these uneasy feelings or have written this post.

Adora10 · 27/04/2017 17:25

No sorry I think you are both crossing boundaries; neither of your partners even know them and for me, personally, I've never found a guy that just wants friendship; it's always lead to them wanting more, for me, anyway so I've always avoided being friends with any man, apart from my gay ones lol.

Being friends at work is fine, but honestly I'd not be texting another man outside of work unless I had to; all this morning crap is basically ensuring there's constant contact and you know what these things can lead to, it's not fair on your fiancée or his gf.

I'd also advise against it for the sake of the office gossips.

Montparnasse · 27/04/2017 17:58

That's an interesting point re constant contact. Is it so bad though if you're just friends?

Adora10 · 27/04/2017 18:02

Well it's bad enough that the OP has posted about it, I think you know OP that you've gone a bit far here, do you get the same excitement when your fiancée texts you, plus, if you are getting married in the next few months, I'd concentrate on that and leave this guy where he belongs; at your work, for the occasional chat.

Original poster

user1493233300 · 27/04/2017 19:11

Thanks for the replies. Some food for thought. I suppose though maybe due to the fact that we're both new to the area (him even more so than me) and live very close enables a friendship? While I have made friends with a couple of women from work, I could do with more friends to be honest. Especially after moving to a new area and old friends drifted apart or gone abroad. So, ideally I'd like to be this guy's friend but just don't want it to turn dodgy. I've always had guy friends growing up, now many of them were gay but I've always enjoyed male company.

Re a pp asking if he mentions his gf. That's something I find strange as in he'll mention her a fair bit, not exactly in a very personal way just like for example, "Sarah's cousin works at X company" if that company came up or something. While initially I would always ask a question or two and show interest, it bothers me as he has literally never asked me a question about my fiance. I like to throw his name in here and there as think it's only right (our relationship is good by the way and I am very much looking forward to marrying him). Also, he has never once asked me about my upcoming wedding. Even another male colleague asked about it once at lunch and he literally said nothing and looked away. I know men are generally probably not interested in weddings but surely it's only polite to ask. I actually find all of that quite rude of him and if it was a female friend never asking about my partner or wedding literally ever I think I'd find that a bit insulting or something.

I'm probably ranting a bit there above and actually typing this is making me feel a bit pissed of with him actually lol.
I think the wanting more friends thing is probably an issue here...

OP posts:

Chathamhouserules · 27/04/2017 19:17

Try and engineer a situation when your respective partners can come out too. That might clarify things and might lead to a good friendship between the four of you.
It is bit weird to text 'morning' though. I would only send that to someone I fancied. Or would have had mobile phones been around before I got together with dh!
I'd probably nip it in bud. Save more pain later.

Chathamhouserules · 27/04/2017 19:19

I struggle with making male friends too and can never quite tell if they are genuine friends or think something might happen (well this would apply 15years and 3 children ago but you know what I mean)

Chathamhouserules · 27/04/2017 19:21

I had one male friend who I would go for a quick drink after work etc but I only felt so relaxed about it because he'd met and got on really well with dh (Dp as was), and they used to meet up sometimes too. Other than that - it's not worked.

wickedfairy · 27/04/2017 21:47

I have lots of male friends, more so than the number of female friends. I do work in a male dominated industry though, so that is where I met most of them.

I think it's do-able to be friends, but if you fancy him, it's no good really. Not fair on your DH.

Mom2K · 27/04/2017 23:02

Do you get excited to receive a text from a female? I think the fact that you look forward to his texts and find him attractive, and that your fiance has commented that he finds it strange is enough to show that the situation is a little dodgy. Your fiance (while he may not say it outright) is probably uncomfortable with it or I don't think he would have commented at all. And there is definitely too much interest on the 'friends' part as it sounds like he texts way too much. No need for good morning or good night texts IMO

Sample1936 · 28/04/2017 05:35

It's not that you get on that's the problem is that you fancy him and i bet he fancies you too because blokes don't message new female friends morning :) .

Sounds like you're both enjoying the attention.

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