Start of the menopause and single

[summersloegin]

I don't know how I feel.

I suppose I always knew there was a chance that I'd left it too late but I was vaguely encouraged by stories of women having babies in their 40s. And I am single and I'm not great at meeting men so that probably won't change so I probably wouldn't ever have been in a position to have a child.

Just the same I don't know how I feel about the choice in effect being taken away from me.

Having a baby after 40 is a higher risk of complications. It does happen more often now for a variety of reasons. Most women don't have the menopause these days until 50+ although there are a few years of below par peri-menopausal fertility issues before that. I had fertility treatment approaching 40 as I have medical reasons that prevent easy conception. It was no walk in the park as the treatment was awful, and these celebrity types you read about having treatment to have a baby in their 40's and 50's don't tend to discuss the long-term health risks of doing so.

If you have a burning desire for a child, how about adoption or fostering? You can do that as a single person. I am in my 40's and cannot have more children naturally due to medical problems with last pregnancy. I am itching about adoption even though I have kids of my own.

Im the same but ive just accepted it. I could kick myself because although i spent too long with the wrong men i couldve gone ahead on my own. However, i wouldn't have had any support and could never have looked after us both as living in London with a child and no support is impossible. Maybe i should have just done it? I cant have regrets i cried my tears at 38 and now concentrate on enjoying the life ive got. Im nearly 50 and wouldnt thank you for a baby now im far too exhausted! Its not how i imagined my life would turn out but thems the breaks.

It's hard isn't it? Fostering is not your own child it's a job and obviously I have to work, I wouldn't be approved for adoption.

How old are you? Is it peri menopause or full menopause?

Why don't you look into fostering/adopting anyway?

And also think about other things you want to do/would like to achieve that would be harder/you might not do if you had children? Eg a degree or going travelling or writing a book etc.

How do you go to work though and pay your bills and give a troubled child the time it deserves?

How old are you now?

Perimenopause can start 10 years before the full menopause kicks in.

Can you go to get an ovarian reserve test and hormonal tests? The NHS should do them, I think. You will get a better picture of where you stand.

Then, have a long, hard think about whether you really, really want kids or is it just a passing feeling related to choices closing down. It you decide you really have to have kids, start looking into options (depending on what you find out at fertility centre) to become a single parent.

Do you really want a man in your life? Or is it just if there is a child involved? Are you fulfilled in your life generally? Are you thinking kids is the answer when your issue is maybe career dissatisfaction or boredom with life in general? Only you know the answer to these questions.

If you don't want to go into motherhood on your own and want a man, you will need to start expanding your social life and try and meet one who wants the same things you want. If having a child is imperative, you may not want to spend too much time waiting for a man though, depending on your age and what the fertility clinic has told you.

You need to have a long hard think about what you want regarding children, a man in your life, etc.

This article may help you straighten out your conflicting thoughts:-

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/motherhood-rescheduled/201310/not-sure-if-you-want-kids-0

Also, this is an excellent website:-

gateway-women.com

Good luck in your soul-searching, OP

Thanks. Perimenopausal and I don't know, I obviously want to meet a man but I can't see it happening at this late stage. I would not be approved to adopt due to lack of support and space; fostering is a full time job.

In that case, it looks like maybe trying to get pregnant via IVF or egg donation may be your option? Are you the right age to get free IVF?

Do they give it to single women?

Private IVF is available to single women - most people pay for their own IVF tbh, so yes it's an option.

If you are in one of these areas, you might be in luck:-

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/8844762/Single-women-being-offered-IVF-on-the-NHS.html

Six PCTs in southwest London - Richmond and Twickenham, Wandsworth, Sutton and Merton, Croydon, and Kingston - also offer fertility treatment to single women

Others in southern England to confirm they offered NHS funding for IVF to single women include NHS Swindon and NHS Wiltshire. A spokesman for NHS Surrey said it would fund fertility treatment for single women under "exceptional circumstances

Those in the north include South Staffordshire PCT, NHS Central Lancashire, NHS Halton and St Helens, NHS Knowsley, NHS Liverpool, NHS Sefton, NHS Wirral and NHS East Riding of Yorkshire

In July Elizabeth Pearce, 39, claimed she was the first lone parent to have given birth thanks to IVF funded by the NHS. She has a son, Leo, who is now eight months old.

The above article was from 2011, BTW.

Thanks but I don't think having a child as a single parent is practical for me personally. I suppose I am just upset at it all.

Sorry to hear you're upset, OP.

Do look at the Gateway Women site. It's an excellent resource and was started by a woman in the same position as you.