Feel neglected by DH after baby

[shewhocannotbenamed]

Rant alert...

Not sure what I hope to get out of this, maybe some commiseration / encouragement (?) most of all need to get this off my chest.

I'm a bit disillusioned at the moment with the state of my relationship. When I got with my hubby he came across like a brilliant guy in terms of being caring, empathetic, loving. I believed he'd be a perfect dad (one of the reasons why I felt confident about trying for a child with him.)

Now I find myself with this person who is not only happy to watch me do everything around the child, including all the night shifts, feedings, nappy changes etc without ever showing much empathy (for instance, if the roles were reversed I would have immediately taken the child off him after a day at work, seeing his tired face with under eye bags and knowing how hard it can be, but not my partner) but also does not seem interested in me in a romantic capacity. He just goes into his own shell after work, never suggests we go out for a date, doesn't approach me for sex (oh how I wish I was one of these women who have their men pinning for sex but turn them down), even my birthday card a couple of months ago (he used to always write me some really romantic things) was just all about me being a mom etc. Like that is literally the only thing I am now - a full time carer to his baby :-/ Oh and btw my present was a fancy "contactless" baby thermometer... I did want one but not necessarily for my bday and it was a milestone one as well :-///

I realise I've gained a bit of weight while pregnant however now I'm almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight (8 pounds to go) and try to take care of myself as much a possible considering I have a 6 month old to take care of. Anyway aren't men supposed to be so sex obsessed that they don't even 100% care how you look or feel like as long as they get some? We do occasionally have sex but it's out of my initiative and to be honest I've been thinking whether he's just doing it out of obligation rather than genuine desire.

I did think maybe he was cheating but I just don't see when and how he'd do that. He's always home like a quarter after five, we spend all weekends together. He is physically present but not mentally and intimately.

When browsing the net everything is about men feeling rejected by their partners, it happens to women to!

I even went to America for a month for work experience and he had them full-time.

I do worry about his territorial approach but as time has gone on I think he is realising it is not about the children belonging to either one of us and about the children's experiences growing up and what he as a father has to offer them.

I remember the absolute rage I had about his snoring and showering when the twins were small. Everyone thought I was insane but it was because I was breastfeeding the twins who had undiagnosed lip tie and were not getting enough milk and trying to get a three and four year old to and from preschool and school everyday and he would just shower when he wanted and snore through them waking up!

He went back to normal work when twins were 3 weeks old. His normal pattern was out of the house from 8-6.30 when local, working away Thursday night and on call three days per month in addition to going to work in the days.

He now mainly works from home so he can pick up and take them to school on 'his' days.

All weekend he would be like 'I'm bored' but none of my suggestions were good enough. If I ever went out anywhere the house would be a TIP when I came home... he 'can't' cook, he 'can't' deal with bills etc...

His house is still a tip and he has got a (female) cleaner now but he seems to manage cooking and bills perfectly fine as well as school pick ups and drop offs.

Yours was snoring too?! Mine is, it proper does my head in, I asked him so many times to see a GP or something but no, he insists it's something he has under control (wtf, he's not really the one affected) I get where you are coming from now re: knowing your struggle and choosing not to help. It's just such an unloving behaviour. i'd even help a stranger seeing them so overworked and distress out of sheer pity and compassion but they don't help their own wives they promise to cherish. Can't believe you also had two other children I'm pretty sure I would just die if I had to try to manage more than one without any extra support from DH.

At the moment I'm battling two opposing views of him in my head and trying to reconcile what sort of a person he is. I still remember how loving and respectful (albeit uncommunicative too) he was before the baby and pit it against this strange person living with me now that doesn't seem to have any compassion whatsoever.

Honestly, the older two are not his kids and I was a single mum all their lives until I met him. I did cry when I found out the pg was twins because I knew it would be tough on me. I have only really known life as a single parent TBH so had the skills/experience.

If he had engaged at all with any of my attempts to communicate or any of my desperate pleas or my one warning that if he didn't go to counselling I would leave then I would have stayed but he was intransigent, probably because he had developed the withdrawal as a way of coping with difficulty.

So I wasn't completely unfeeling re him but also I am very glad that I did leave him. It should have been enough to see me struggling and learn.

I don't think I would ever have been happy with him if I had agreed to go to counselling and stay on the day I said I was leaving him. All the trust and respect had gone and I no longer felt as though I was a real person to him - just an annoying nag to be escaped and avoided.

It's not 'help OP, it's parenting. And he's opting out of it.

OP, your DH is being a pig. Fucking LAZY! You've got to talk to him, lay it out on the table. He's changed, he's not the same guy anymore. You need to get out as well, leave him with the baby for a bit. Seriously, people will treat you only as badly as you let them. Time to be honest! Total waste of space though isn't he. He totally knows what he's doing as well. Just doesn't care enough.

Yip, lazy and self entitled and totally selfish, no matter how many excuses women make for them.

@Luckybe40

Yep, I thought I was slowly getting over my frustration with him when today he asked me whether "I'd be going back to work full time" - like seriously I never even once said I would and it pisses me off him even mentioning that because

A) His mother never worked after babies and his father provided for the family so it's not like the working mother is something he witnessed in the past to want that from me

B) He's just been given a HUGE pay rise (earns £55k now) so it's not like we even really need me to go back to work at all

C) He's been with some dumb brat in the past and was happy to fully provide for her and there were no kids involved she just didn't want to work lol

It's not like I'm lazy I'd always wanted to go back to work but why the hell am I seen as this workhorse?

Seriously I'm so jealous of regular women's problems (husbands wanting them to be SAHM etc)

I really think you need to sit him down and talk to him, tell him exactly what you've told us. Then he has the chance to change. If he doesn't, then you know you can move on to the next steps, whatever you decide they may be. Your baby is very young, parenthood stretches on for a very long time. The baby will become more challenging as it starts to walk, ect. You need his help. Why do you think he sees you as the nanny/skivvy?