Hi all,
I'd be very grateful for advice on how to handle my emotions and navigate nc during pregnancy.
I'm currently 18 wks pregnant with 1st child and not in contact with my parents - mother especially, father occasionally.
The long and short of it is that the final straw - in a fairly long sequence of events - came when I had a miscarriage at 9 wks preg back in November and emailed my mother on the way back from the early pregnancy unit when the scan had revealed it was unviable/empty sac. I did not receive a reply/acknowledgement (....anything) for over 24 hrs, and when I chased up to ask why nothing, was told 'something had come up'. I found this very hurtful - the timing of it all was especially hard given that I got married 4 days post this and eventually mc on Honeymoon. It was hard.
She has always been a difficult woman (more below), but the hardest thing was that she let me down when I needed her most. I told her very bluntly that she had let me down when I needed her and that she had hurt me by her indifference. I was very, very hurt and angry.
In contrast, my OH's mother and sister have been lovely, gentle and supportive. The contrast could not be greater.
On my return from Honeymoon, I got back to find the news that my BIL and SIL were preg - due date only 10 days away from my original dd. It was a very odd, bittersweet feeling; on one hand, being very happy for them, but on the other hand, hard to bear given the proximity in due dates. I tried so hard to be graceful, even though it stung.
I then heard that my mother had made such a special fuss of my sil - organising her a lunch, buying her preg announcement gifts - yet all the time, I'd heard nothing from her. Nothing.
This kind of 'playing off' is pretty standard behaviour. She's done this before - ignore one, transfer affection to another.
In late Dec, I became preg. Very anxious this time around and even now, feel very little connection as am very worried that this will go wrong. It's not been an easy preg - dreadful sickness 1st trimester and worryingly low papp-a results. I am a bag of nerves!
I told my Dad that we were expecting at the 12 wk mark. He offered us congratulations (which was nice) but I heard absolutely nothing from my Mum. Nothing at all.
In an attempt to try to build bridges (again), I invited them over for Easter, but was told that I would need to apologise to my Mother 'for all the mental anguish I have caused her'.
I refused to do that. I am 41, not a child. I told my Dad (again) that I felt deeply hurt and angry by the indifference - that it was not a one off act - but the final straw for me.
Bottom line is that there is no understanding their side as to why I feel hurt...or any acknowledgement of my feelings at all. That's the key for me and makes my blood boil. As long as I shut up, toe the line, swallow it up - then I'm ok and accepted.
Thing is - I am not playing this game anymore. If it was a one off misunderstanding/blow up, then fine - but it's not.
My Mother has always been a difficult woman and we have had a poor relationship since my teenage years. She has always been cold, very much ashamed of our home (so much so that we were not allowed to bring friends back) and very controlling of her children. Her affection has always been distant and conditional. It's always been about her/her feelings/her moods and we tiptoed around her.
Teenage years were difficult for me - I felt so constrained and became bulimic from age 14. At that time, I felt so bad about myself that it was the only thing I could 'control', and the only valid way to express how badly I was feeling. I had no voice.
This is why this latest sequence of events stings so much. I have very clearly said why I felt hurt (ie, not blaming her for the mc happening; rather, saying that the indifference to it hurt me) and have been told that my feelings don't matter/are not acknowledged - and that I need to apologise to her.
I can't do this. For my own sake, I need to draw a hard line in the sand and say enough is enough. I can't go on playing the game of conditional love. It's not 'love'.
I am an adult woman and have forged my own life.
My OH is lovely, loving and supportive and his family are warm and loving. In fact, so much a polar opposite of my own.
I feel hugely embarrassed (ashamed, even) of the fact I have such a difficult family....I dodge the question (or lie )when asked how supportive and helpful my Mum has been during the preg. There is just nothing there.
I'm stupidly hormonal at the moment, and even silly things like seeing other expectant mums out with their own mums makes me sad. I am accepting that I have never had/will never have the kind of mother/daughter relationship that I would ideally like, but it is hard.
But it's not just that - I instinctively don't want her involved with my child (if) when it is born. I can't replicate what has gone on before in my own childhood. I just don't want her around.
Apols for the lengthy msg. It is helpful to write this down.