...can't believe I'm writing a MIL thread...

[quinoabeanwah]

This is a bit of a wwyd situation; would really appreciate perspectives.

MIL is absolutely lovely and in general we have a very good relationship. She and DH (and siblings) are very good friends; she adores DC; she is very supportive, kind, warm, funny, generous etc.

She's not comfortable with conflict at all. In the past when DH has tried to discuss any sort of upset with her, he's felt she's brushed it off and avoided the discussion. Or she's said what she thinks he wants to hear and not followed through. She's of the generation (and from a cultural upbringing) that just gets on with stuff and don't give much weight to anything too emotional.

Last time we visited, we were discussing our trying for a second DC. DC1 was born extremely early, was extremely poorly and very unlikely to survive, but did defy the odds and is now a healthy toddler. MIL commented (in a very warm and positive tone) that next time "it will be different because you'll be careful", and then clarified that she meant I'd not cycle during this pregnancy.

We were a bit stunned and asked quite gently if she felt DC1 had been early because I'd not been careful, and she instantly bristled and said "did I say that?!" She wouldn't be drawn on further discussion and we let it move on in a positive tone.

It's stuck with me, though, and that's my WWYD. Should I / we try to talk about it with her again? I don't want her to be worried / judgemental if I do get pregnant and cycle again (not downhill racing, btw, just leisurely cycle path cycling - which I've been advised by Dr is not linked to prem birth). I'm also really quite hurt about it because I feel like she secretly (not so secret now, I guess) blames me for all the horrific stuff DC1 has experienced due to early arrival.

Just to stress, generally a v good relationship, we love her and she's an overall force for good! So we're not going to be going NC or telling her to fuck off to the far side of fuck etc.

I wouldn't say anything but if she brings it up again I would calmly say 'it was nothing to do with anything I done you know that don't say that to me again' firmly holding eye contact.

My mum is the type of person that says daft stuff like this I've found I need to nip it in the bud without getting into any discussions about it.

Her comment was ignorant and hurtful.

In the circumstances though I probably wouldn't say anything unless she made further similar comments, at which points I'd express annoyance/upset or ask DH to speak to her.

Horrible thing to say. She's just earned herself a position at the bottom of the list when it comes to knowing personal and health details of your immediate family.

You really can't help these things, I think maybe she's the kind of person who needs answers and possibly from a generation where, whilst pregnant, the woman would do very little, you'd go 'to rest' for a period for birth. I think the whole birthing experience was different with maternity homes where the post natal patient had some what a relaxed time, a week in hospital. Babies were all clumped in one room and bottle feeding was the norm.

It was only with DS that my GM saw BF in action, at a time when there wasn't the support there is now.

DS birth was traumatic but the pregnancies with DS & DD were pretty much the same, although DD spared us the panic we had with DS.

A relative had a preemie, who had the SCBU/NICU stay similar to DS but longer, then she had an early birth at 34/35 weeks but was allowed to leave after a few days. The third pregnancy was fine.

I can totally understand the apprehension, I remember when my relatives waters broke early, we were close, there was this disbelief of you sure you didn't just wet yourself. It was all rather scary.

I wouldn't bring it up with her as it sounds like you'll get, I don't want to hear it type responses. It's easier to dismiss it and maybe once pregnant say thinking about your comments, I'll take things easier, if you want to that is. As many women go to gym till they have baby and do much more strenuous things than cycling. So please don't blame yourself.

Have you spoke to them with regard to answers why DC came so early. When I was pregnant with DS there was a woman who went into labour, giving birth at 23+6. Ok initially it wasn't great, but now you honestly can't tell the start he had in life.

It's not comparable, but DS started off being born nearly full term, but due to placental failure and other things he was tiny. In his first week home he gained a pound, from BF alone which surprised the MW who were against me feeding as it always caused big weight drops. In months DS was off the charts, so much so that we ended up solely going for required checks as he was at the 100th percentile, they were moaning the BF wasn't good for him he was so big. But he was tall along with the weight.

I hope DC is ok now, please please don't blame yourself, I'm sure they'll keep a tight ship with regards to monitoring, so if for example they notice funnelling of your cervix they can get a stitch in, or have you on the labour ward should anything else arise, to keep an eye on both of you.

Wishing you all the best

The trouble with the written word is that it can be hard to convey tone properly, and that means that something you write could be taken completely the wrong way, and there is no way for you to know that (Unless she tells you) and correct it, as would happen in a conversation.

So I say No to writing her any kind of letter - but try to explain again, if she brings it up again, that you were hurt that she implied, however unintentionally, that you were in any way to blame for your DS1's situation.You weren't, of course, and your doctors have told you so - I'm sure she doesn't think she knows more than your doctors, so that should resolve the issue.

Conversation, not letter.

I cycled until the last month...dc are fine . Midwife most impressed, my DM less so (what if I got knocked off, what about potential dc- less of an issue for me apparently). It irritated the fuck out of me, I wasn't a bloody incubator. Highly insensitive of her and just plain wrong.... If she's normally 'nice' I'd put it down to ignorance and anxiety and try and ignore... Shame though as it will have tarnished your relationship

You think that's bad we lost our last and very wanted child half way through the pregnancy and my own Mother said oh well it doesn't matter you don't need anymore children you already have 5!

I was already in the throws of a breakdown because of the loss of that baby and my poor DH and our DC were all devestated.

It took me a while to forgive her but I did deal with it and I'm glad I did because we ended up loosing my Mum 3 years ago.

What your Mil said was awful but I wonder if she was raised around the same time and with the same sort of mindset as my Mum was.
My Mum was pregnant at a time when women were told to bedrest for at least a week after the baby and were told to never climb ladders whilst pregnant,not to do any kind of strenous exercise,not to ride a bike and if anything happened to the baby whilst a women was pregnant then the mother must have done something to cause it.

It's a bloody horrible thing to say and an even worse way to think,I'm just thankful that future parents(the children of us posters on MN)shouldn't have to put up with it from they're parents/Mil's and Fil's.

Very hurtful comment. Perhaps something like,

"Mil I love you to bits. At the same time I've been thinking about what you said last week about the cycling. Advice changes over the years doesn't it? You were probably told to avoid things like that but we know now that gentle excercise is really good for baby and mum. I really don't want you to think that it was something I did that caused the premature birth - it wasn't. It's upsetting to think you think I caused it to be honest (now change up the tone to lighthearted) I mean ha! In holland they bike up till they can't balance and they're all really healthy! Denmark and Sweden too.! Anyway, lets have a cuppa, I know you didn't mean to upset me so let's say no more about it. '

Just mention Serena Williams to her.

Or Paula Radcliffe!

*presumably you might have worried about it, as well because you asked the Doctor?

If it crossed your mind, why is it so awful that it crossed hers?*
That's a fair point. I asked about it in the post-birth panic where I was desperately searching for a 'why'; I also asked if it was because I wore a Mooncup before getting pregnant so I wasn't being particularly lucid. I'm not upset that it's crossed her mind, so much as that after some time to consider (and I have mentioned to her a couple of times that this was the advice of the doctor at that time, but obviously it didn't quite sink in) she still seems to be holding onto the idea that it's my fault.

Thanks all so much for your advice and for sharing your experiences as well. I'm so sorry to hear the stories of loss and trauma - it can be a difficult journey, this baby making business.

It is a very common misconception among people of all ages but older women would have gone through their pregnancies being told all sorts of bilge.
Its not that surprising that she thinks prem birth is caused by something the mother does.
Its hurtful and obviously wrong but it doesn't sound malicious at all.

If I believed all the crap I was told when pregnant with all of mine (let alone my first 25 years ago) I would have spent my pregnancies sat on a hard chair drinking stout and not lifting my arms above my head.

I expect she was pretty traumatised by your DC's difficult first months and is worried for all of you.

If I were you I would leave it. She sounds a lovely woman. You could raise it if she does i.e. when you are pregnant. If she tells you not to cycle or something you can point out its fine.

Some very odd perceptions here about pregnancy and childbirth care at the time OP's MiL was having babies. Unless she's around 80, she really won't have thought about pregnancy as being 'a delicate condition', had prolonged bed rest in the later stages of pregnancy, followed by further rest whilst babies were taken off them and bottle fed. Remember, in the 70s and 80s it was all Penelope Leach, childbirth is a natural event, children must be left with their mothers to bond, and breastfeeding was heavily encouraged. And it was certainly the norm to continue working for most of a pregnancy.

Hi, all!

We're just sending this over to the relationships board for the OP.

I was pregnant in switzerland. I skied until I was 6 months pregnant (then the snow melted so I had to stop). As I live in a ski resort the dr (down in the valley) always asked for a snow report before asking after the bump. I was in the gym two weeks before the bump became baby. then my last pair of gym trousers stopped fitting so I had to stop!

My DM got very upset at the fact I kept driving when I was pg and would tell me 'anecdotes' about friends of friends who miscarried because they pressed the clutch too hard, or because they had to do an emergency stop.

Goodluck with your pg OP.

Am still cycling at 8months. Also trekking, using DH scooter to keep up with DD1, giving piggy backs while carrying the bike she decided she doesn't want to ride anymore etc etc etc... Agree with PP, older generation women defo seem to be suck on the pregnancy=bedrest and pregnancy problems are caused by the mother BS... That being said bedrest sounds quite attractive right now zzzzzzz....

Trouble is, if she's anything like my mum, she'll have these 'fancies' and it won't matter one bit what you say, or how much evidence you show her, she will believe what she wants to believe anyway. I rode horses until 6 months pregnant with my last, and she was two weeks late!

ceto that is a pretty idealistic view of the 70s and 80s
In the early 80s women still listened to their mothers and grandmothers and aunts as they do now.
Not everyone read parenting books.
Whether they breastfed or not is irrelevant. Women were told not to do things that would stop their milk coming in and all kinds of nonsense.

The 70s and 80s were not golden ages of childbirth.
There was a lot of new research and ideas but they didn't trickle down to the entire population and were seen as pretty out there and hippyish.

Just let it go. There is no point in confronting her.

Oh that is awful OP.
I like Thumbwitches advice and would go with that.
Good luck with TTC.

we're all entitled to our opinions/thoughts on things, OP.

Your mil obviously has hers but at least she has always made sure to treat you well no matter what.
Your good relationship is testament to that.

it sounds like she's quite a sensitive person herself so any 'gentle' questioning will come across as 'criticism'.
She's not of the generation that 'discuss' things or 'do emotion' so you can't have that type of friendly open conversation

not ideal as it leaves the whole thing open to assumption - "does she really believe that or was it a passing thought for her like it was for me?"

From what you've described she isn't that kind of mil,
i'd leave it and just carry on enjoying your luck - you could have ended up with one's off these boards!

So sorry to hear about your insensitive MIL experience Op. From reading pp, maybe medical advice around that generation may have a part to play? Maybe some of them have had traumatic infertility experiences of their own which is triggering old hurts/beliefs/fear, which bubble out.

I'm trying to be charitable and sympathetic to all, despite my own terrible MIL relationship........

My MIL has several grandchildren, but because I haven't bred with her son (due to severe auto immune issues and traumatic recurrent miscarriage) she can't bear to even look at me. Both her and FIL think I have planned the whole situation even down to taking up running "because that's how you get rid of babies".

We have both been chastised for not getting married soon enough and not starting trying soon enough ('cause, you know, they've been there in our bedroom since the beginning ). Of course it's my fault mainly "She's hurt my child and I have very complex feelings around it" and being accused of "wilfully planning his childlessness" .

She has had her own really sad fertility issues in the past and I've clearly triggered something. I have given up trying to have a relationship with her and am now NC as it hurts too much to live with her blame. witch

WoodYou. The portrayal of your inlaws would be funny if it wasn't so tragic. Good on you for protecting yourselves .

Thanks Mummy. DH is still in touch with them. Just me NC. Which has now been spun around against me being unreasonable not wanting to see them. Because I'm depressed about being ill and need someone to blame apparently....

I feel like I'm in a dream. Well, nightmare.

Oh and Mummy hope you're feeling better. Some of your posts have been very helpful for me

Quinoa thanks for this thread. It's been quite healing to see I'm not alone. Good luck with your MIL. Hope it settles down . And great that your little one was such a fighter.