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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Withdrawing from men/realtionships

22 replies

Fireandflames666 · 23/04/2017 19:56

I feel that withdrawing from relationships/men for a long time will be the best thing for me and my children. Has anyone ever done this and it been beneficial?. Or did you change your mind?.

OP posts:

noego · 23/04/2017 20:13

I suppose it can be done. But celibacy is not for everyone.

ClopySow · 23/04/2017 20:28

I've had long periods of being single. It was really good for my head.

I'm a bit bored of it now, but i'd rather be bored and single than involved and unhappy.

tickertyboo · 23/04/2017 20:31

It's a lot more peaceful being on your own. You find out who you are as a person because it's just you doing all the work.

The celibacy is a bit of a nuisance though.

Trustyourself2 · 23/04/2017 20:42

I've been on my own for over a year, after a very LTR. I feel like I've withdrawn from relationships. I really don't think I'd know how to have another one. Also, since discovering this forum, I think I've been put off the whole notion of being involved with anyone, but at the same time, I feel very left out and occasionally a little bit sad.

Original poster

Fireandflames666 · 23/04/2017 20:46

My only relationship lasted thirteen years and two children. He cheated on me with a woman from work because they "clicked". I'm very hurt and currently on antidepressants.

I need to find myself for sure. I think it's the best idea for people who are fresh out of a relationship.

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 23/04/2017 20:49

Ive been single for 2 years now after an amicable split with DP after 2 years living together. I'm honestly happier now than I've ever been. I can truly say I love being on my own and it being just me, teenage DS and the dog. No arguments, no petty bickering, no competitive tiredness. I can do pretty much what I want when I want. And the best bit is I get the bed to myself and don't have some hairy man snoring next to me!

Original poster

Fireandflames666 · 23/04/2017 20:52

Doesn't having no one to cuddle get to you?.

OP posts:

Belle89 · 23/04/2017 20:54

Just wish I could get over the lonely stage and actually be happy on my own. Lots of pluses yes but I can't help wishing there was someone special I was going home too. Or to go to events with, fed up of always being the single odd one. Or getting pitying looks at family attractions when it's just me and ds surrounded by families. Lived alone for 3 years dated over that time, nothing too serious but can't help feeling lonely how do you adjust to being happy and enjoying it?

Honeyandfizz · 23/04/2017 20:54

Violet I'm very similar! Separated amicably from h last summer, got 2 teenage dc and absolutely love being without a partner. I love that I have freedom, no man to have to consider, no sex, it's MY life to do with what I please. I do not need a man/relationship to define me, people keep telling me to get out there, meet new men. Why I ask myself? Why on earth would I want that?!

Belle89 · 23/04/2017 20:55

Thinking withdrawing from dating would do my wellbeing good instead of getting hopes up etc etc it feels like a roller coaster at times

PencilsInSpace · 23/04/2017 20:58

Yes, after a series of very short term dysfunctional relationships I did 2 years deliberate withdrawal from men/relationships/sex. I found it very helpful for finding my own strength and capability and realising I didn't need a man or a relationship to be happy and cope in life.

That was about 20 years ago and I've only had 1 relationship since which is DH. I think part of what makes us work is that neither of us came from a position of needing someone IYSWIM.

DirectMe · 23/04/2017 21:01

Over 7 years single here and quite honestly don't know how I'd fit a relationship into our lives. Between work, the DC and the house i never get a minute to myself, for hobbies or exercise, long hot baths etc. I can't imagine adding another person demanding on my time, energy and emotions.

Occasionally I get pangs of loneliness but more to have someone to take responsibility for something, like renewing the car insurance rather than to support my emotions or libido.

Maybe in the future I might risk getting involved again but i struggle to envisage it. It's not like there is a queue of potential suitors at the door. I've been hurt too many times, read too much on here and am now incredibly sceptical. Right now, I'd choose a dog over a man.

ClopySow · 23/04/2017 21:02

I used to feel like the single one surrounded by families belle but i seem to have just gotten over it.

I reckon i might need to think about putting more effort into meeting someone over the next few years. My sons are 14 and 16 and have their own lives now. Gone are the days when they wanted to cuddle up and watch a film.

Honeyandfizz · 23/04/2017 21:12

Fire no not at all. My h and I were never very cuddly anyway, our relationship had fizzled out years ago. I would have loved a meaningful, loving relationship like my parents have but now frankly I cannot be arsed to even think of looking.

PlymouthMaid1 · 23/04/2017 21:14

I did it deliberately for seven years. I realised that I had been in contant relationships since I was sixteen so when my long term one ended after about 18 years I decided to concentrate on my children, job and rediscovering me. Didn't start dating again until youngest was fourteen.

Violetcharlotte · 23/04/2017 21:54

DirectMe I could have written every single word of that! Give me a dog over a man anytime.

Violetcharlotte · 23/04/2017 21:56

Fireansflames No not at all. I'm not very touchy-feely really. I hug the dog if I want a cuddle!

tickertyboo · 23/04/2017 21:58

Fireandflames, you have your whole life ahead of you. Please remember that we are all choosing individuals who have the freedom to create ourselves.

Find something for yourself which does not have anything to do with meeting the children's needs. Read, walk around an art gallery, try some voluntary work (if you have the time), undertake a course of study. Anything which interests you. Give it time and accept that feeling how you are now will not always be the same in the future.

You will be okay.

ilovechoc1987 · 23/04/2017 22:04

Iv been with my partner for nearly 16 years, since we were both14. I don't think I'd bother with men for a very long time if we split.
I don't mind sharing my life with my partner but I'm not the type of person that does that easily and I'm not the type of person who needs a hug every day.
Being in a relationship means you can have those silences without it being awkward, and if I was with someone new, I'd have to make an effort and wouldn't know how because I'm used to how things are in my relationship Iv got now.

HeavenlyEyes · 23/04/2017 22:08

5 years intentionally single for me - and yep, I cuddle the dog plenty. He doesn't seem to mind. I am too busy for a relationship. Work, study, house, friends, exercise, hobbies and walking said dog. The peace from relying on just yourself is quite worthwhile. Something I never thought I would achieve. A bloke would have to be pretty flipping special to make me want to give up so much of myself to him now tbh.

noego · 23/04/2017 22:23

You can have the best of both worlds. Remain single and independent and have cuddles when required. Just don't have said cuddle giver live with you :)

Hermonie2016 · 23/04/2017 22:28

There is a period of grieving when a relationship ends and you miss the good times however that does fade and then you start to enjoy life being single.There are many benefits of being single..womwn often do a lot of the emotional work in a relationship so once you get over the grief and feelings of rejection it can be positive.

I think it's healthy to be alone, knowing you can cope is confidence building.Its certainly better than being in a relationship with no trust.

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