Desperately lonely

[Wilhamenawonka]

So my husband left two years ago (this week i think) and i don't feel like I've moved on at all.

He was extremely passive aggressive to the point of being abusive with it which i only started to understand last Oct and am struggling a lot with how my life really was opposed to how I thought it was.
Not met anyone since or even looking. Don't know if I'll ever get over it as it was such a major head fuck.

All my close friends have moved in the last 12 months.

I'm thinking of going nc with parents as I've started to see just how toxic they are but at the same time they've been my main source of support - but the price i have to pay fpr that support is so so high.

Exh has the kids every other weekend but brings them back at night. I often spend the whole day just waiting for them to come home. Obviously that's not healthy but I've got no energy, no money, no hobby, no friends here, no motivation.

I know logically that i and we are better off this way but it doesn't feel like it and right now I'm so lonely.

Not sure what i want from this thread really. Probably just to be heard. I know it's up to me to build a new life and find happiness in myself etc etc but right now it feels never ending.

Wanting to be heard is a good start. Perhaps looking after children as a lone parent is exhausting. Could you consider those days minus the children as a rest day and savour not having to be on call?

Why does he not have them overnight? That's quite crucial to you being able to move on with your own life I think.

If I were you, I'd write down a list of things you'd like to do. They can be anything. Go to a concert; see a film; go out for dinner alone; go to a pub to see a band; learn an instrument (you can pick up a beginners ukulele and 'teach yourself' book quite cheaply); go for a walk in the park; visit a castle; learn to crochet...

Literally, the list is endless. Then pick one and make a start. I know it doesn't feel as easy as that when you're in a bit of a melancholic rut, but a lot of how well you move on in this situation is down to how you approach it and how positive your mental attitude is.

I am nc with my remaining parent, left an abusive marriage 5 years ago and have few friends (as a result of a toxic relationship with my parents and my marriage). It can be done. But only if you make it happen.

Do you work OP? Was just thinking about nights out with colleagues etc. If your ex had the kids overnight, could you go and visit some of your close friends for a weekend perhaps.
I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely, my heart goes out to you. Its easy for others to make suggestions to help but sometimes its just how you feel and that's that. Are there any local groups you could join or classes perhaps that would involve meeting new people. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there and get out of your comfort zone. But, like I said, you know all this and it probably doesn't help short term.
I'm in process of separation at the moment and I do worry about being lonely. I moved away from family and close friends but thankfully I do have 2 or 3 lovely close friends here. Its still not quite the same as being able to 'pop' round to see them whenever you fancy.
You're not alone OP

Dd2 still wakes up a few times a night.
She's just started nursery so i can look for a job and am hoping that will help.
I've spent the weekend just pissing about on the phone. Getting out of the house or even doing the washing up feels like too much effort.
The kids are the only thing i have now so when they're not here there's no reason to even get up

I do know how pathetic that is.

He can't have overnights because his landlady won't let him and the youngest just isn't ready.

When I'm with the kids i have the motivation to change things but not the time. When they're not here i just sink even though I've got time.

Have you felt like this since he left or are things getting worse? I would suggest going to see your GP, you could be suffering from depression. Its worth talking to a professional about this. There are also options for counselling out there that might be worth talking to your GP about.
You don't feel good about yourself or your past relationship so maybe some counselling might help you clear a few things up and get you on the right track!

It's a similar story in my case, I am lost without the kids, and run out of mental energy to the extent that I struggle to even look after my own home. Like you, I find I have mental energy when I have the kids, but no time, and when I don't have the kids, I have swathes of time, but struggle with the pointlessness of living.
I am just getting better now, but slowly. You need to meet new people, and not with a view to meeting a new man either, but just with a view to a focus on life for you. I suggest joining something voluntary, perhaps a choir or a band if you are musical, walking group, WI, 'rotary' type service club, guides or brownies etc, local drama group, anything, preferably something that comes with a social life as well as the interest itself.

The thing about voluntary groups is that I find it much easier to motivate myself to help other people than to help myself. In time then, helping yourself will be something you squash into your busy life, as opposed to all there is to life.

I don't think you're pathetic. You sound like you're a bit out of step with the rest of the world as you knew it and the life you have ahead of you, and tbh I've been there and still am

I think it's maybe helpful to attend to the way you feel than what logic tells you should be the case. You just feel the way you feel and actually it IS, at times, a fucking lonely place to be when you're in the hinterland between one place in time, and the next.

Work out what it is that you're lonely for - what is it that's missing do you think? Are you still finding out who you are maybe? If you've had a toxic experience from significant intimate relationships I think it's common to feel not whole in yourself for a while.

OP
If you have mental energy when DC are around, can you use this to try and do some advance planning for when they are not with you, like someone suggested above drawing up a list of things you fancy doing?

Getting out of the house for a bit of fresh air is key to feeling better. I suggest you get yourself ready and go out as soon as they have been collected by your ex. Even if just for a walk round the shops and/or treat yourself to a coffee. You'll feel better and have more energy.

I'm in a similar situation and am going to make an effort to go to more art exhibitions, looking at beautiful things makes me happy and I enjoy learning something new. You have probably not given any thought to what you enjoy for years because you've been too busy thinking about the kids and your ex. It might take you a while to reconnect with your own wants and needs.