feel like I've lost myself

[randomer]

I don't know if anybody has a cue what I'm talking about or gets it at all.

I might do. For a long time I was just blundering through life, lost and following all kinds of wrong directions for various reasons of not knowing myself. 25 years of relationships, 32 years of life turbulence and at 42 I'm just finding myself. I'm 3 years post separation and currently in the process of a DIY divorce. I was letting myself be swayed into all kinds of situations but through various channels and quietness, I'm finding my inner peace and learning to feel my inner guide. Better late than never.

Everyone goes through this, its all part of the journey. There are times in your life when you need to reflect carefully on the past and why your past has led to the present.
Once you've worked out why you're where you are, the next step is discovering where you want to be. Once you are firm in your mind about that, then another great journey begins.
From what I've seen in life, most people don't stop and reflect too much when they get to this stage. Sometimes, its easier to put up with stuff rather than change things. It seems safer, less upsetting, sensible even to walk away from radical change.
I've found personally that stepping up instead of stepping away has made a difference. A positive difference. But only you can weigh things up for yourself and decide whether or not the road you're on is heading in the right direction.

Are you currently in a relationship randomer?

i am in a relationship and have adult children and very old parents. I feel gobbled up by the lot of them

Yes, and its the reason I left my relationship essentially. 21 years, 2 kids and increasing EA over the last few years. He was so critical, commented on everything, analysed my every move (or I felt like he did), got angry at the drop of a hat, negative and complaining.

Over time I realized he was controlling my actions because I would always think to myself "would ex get angry/ have an issue/ get moody, shout/ rage with this"? It was quite insedious because some times he would react, others times he wouldn't, about really simple things or more serious. He is also really hypocritical.

For example on night he got shitty because dinner was late. Next night he cooks dinner and its ready later than then night before (I'm talking an hour late. His arguement with me was about not eating too late, then he contradicts himself. It left me with no autonomy, no thoughts of my own. In term i totally forgot who I am and will I always held my core values, my day to day life changed from an authentic version of ME.

Over two months out the relationship, its getting better, but for example a friend asked me if I wanted to go to an all night party on Saturday.l I had no kids with me. I thought it would be fun, but I turned her down because I was worried about how he would react. So not totally free of it yet, but getting there day by day.

I am trying to get totally comfortable with my self and make decisions however small asking, is this a true representation of how I feel, or is it conditioned?

Is that how you are feeling?

Then you need to find a way to get away for a couple of days. On your own, no demands, just time to yourself where you can just 'be' and not 'do'.
It clears the mind wonderfully.
If that's not feasible, then factor in a regular trip to a coffee shop once or twice a week where you can just watch the world go by without interruption.
You need to start prioritising yourself OP. No one else will.....

Can you regularly walk in the open air anywhere? Could you afford a weekend away, by yourself, anywhere to clear your head?

Do you feel like they are sucking the life out of you? It's okay to say No. It's okay to look to someone else and say "Tag, you're it" and walk away and let someone else deal with it. People will take you as far as you let them. Reset the boundaries. You get to be a person, too.

thanks so much for kind replies. Partner is going away next week for a week and one son back at uni. this will buy me some space.
Something is wrong.

oh bloody hell now I'm back to being 2 people on here.

Like that Radiohead song 'for a minute there I lost myself'
I know what you mean op feeling v similar just now

OK nevernotstruggling.......any ideas on how to get out of this state

I can only advise what I try myself - try and focus on you a bit. Do things this week that are you centric if you can even if it's just reading a book

If you ignor it..it becomes who you are..then you never find your way back

Like being in a maze with no way out

that sounds scary Vegansnake, but I wonder if that's what's happened to me already - sorry to join in on your thread random user!

I had the same feelings as the op,over 20 yrs ago...I ignored them,pushed them down..they never go away.you have to face them and deal with them...even though they feel so uncomfortable..in my head I'm screaming..but