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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship is falling apart.

25 replies

Cmajmp · 23/04/2017 07:10

I think my relationship is coming to an end but I really don't want to admit it. Things have been really rocky with my partner lately and yesterday has really pushed me to the edge of wanting to leave. As the weather was nice we decides to sit in the garden with a few friend's . Our 11 month old was playing around as she does... she fell over and banged her head.... we both rushed over to pick her up but she's such a Mard for me that she didn't want daddy... He's unhappy with this saying that I baby her and I should of let him deal with her. He then goes on to call me some horrible names which I wouldn't like to repeat!! Because people were there I didn't say a word and just went in the house. He come inside apologising and trying to be nice to me. I thought I'd just leave it and discuss it when people have left. Later, our daughter was in bed and I needed to go and pick a friend up from work. I told my partner not to go out... I come back home less than 10 minutes later and he's gone out leaving our terrible sleeper with his friend. She woke up whilst we were out and was screaming because neither of us were there !!!! And finally, he told me to go through his phone mid argument. So I did. There were messages on snap chat to a girl I already had concerns about... hecsaid it's nothing but the messages don't save on snap chat so I'll never know! He agreed to delete her which has been done. Prior to yesterday our relationship has been really up and down recently. He's been having terrible mood swings which he blames on his ADHD. I just feel like this isn't the environment I want my daughter to be bought up in :(

OP posts:
dogsdieinhotcars · 23/04/2017 07:28

Would counselling help seen as you have a child together?

Original poster
Cmajmp · 23/04/2017 07:33

I have thought about councilling but I don't think my partner would even consider it

OP posts:
dogsdieinhotcars · 23/04/2017 08:16

Do you want to save the relationship or not? Has it gone too far for you? I'd be asking myself that question.

isitjustme2017 · 23/04/2017 08:24

Why is he asking you to look in his phone?? Its like he wants to torment you. He's not being very nice at all. Humiliating you in front of friends by calling you names is really rather horrible.
Has he been behaving like this for a while or has this been a recent development. Without knowing more history its difficult to advise you whether the relationship is worth saving but then that's up to you. If you told your DP it was over and you wanted to separate, maybe he would consider counselling then.

BrutusMcDogface · 23/04/2017 08:27

Leaving the baby at home with s friend is just odd. Surely you both agree which one of you is going out and the other stays in? Where did he go? And was the friend already there at your house or did he call him/her to come babysit?

Odd.

BrutusMcDogface · 23/04/2017 08:28

I totally agree that talking down to you in front of friends is terrible behaviour.

And how can you "baby" a baby?! Hmm

Original poster
Cmajmp · 23/04/2017 11:01

Things have been getting prgressivly worse for a while now. It's not just suddenly yesterday that he behaved like this. It's been getting worse over the last few months. I find it's worse when he's had a drink. He doesn't see the problem and doesn't think it's his drinking that makes it worse. His mood swings are terrible and he blames his adhd alot for it... at first I was very sympathetic but I'm running out of patience. I've tried telling him were finished and I will leave but he tells me I have no where to go and why would I leave when I've got it good (I'm a SAHM). I just don't know if it's worth saving anymore. He's pushing me too far. :(

OP posts:
Chrononaut · 23/04/2017 11:14

Hi OP, I have mental health problems and let me tell you this, mental health never excuses you being an asshole. You cannot blame your condition for treating people like shit.

HandbagCrazy · 23/04/2017 11:19

He doesn't need to reach a particular benchmark of awfulness before you're allowed to leave. You sound desperately unhappy and from what you've posted I don't blame you.

I'm a bit confused - where did he go while you were out?

He sounds jealous of your relationship with dc, and tantrums and mood swings like this seem to be designed to both keep you walking on eggshells to keep him happy and demand your attention.
Also, if he has ADHD, alcohol isn't going to help that. Is he on meds for if? As alcohol wouldn't help with those either.

Either way, you have a child is going to witness daddy being annoyed when they want mummy, daddy showing is fine to talk to mummy horribly, that you can't rely on daddy because he's not there when he should be, that daddy's mood is very important and you must not annoy him. None of that is healthy.

pallasathena · 23/04/2017 11:24

He's behaving like so many 21st Century men behave these days. You've grown up and are behaving like a proper grown up. He, basically, is still in teen tantrum mode.
I've seen it with men (and some women) in their 30's 40's 50's and even in their 70's.
What he's doing is projecting his frustration on you. Vey likely, there's a deep resentment at suddenly finding himself a father, a husband, a wage earner. He wants to be young and free not adult and settled.
I'd let him go. You're clearly very unhappy and leaving your baby as he did means that he has no intention of taking his responsibilities seriously.
Build a better life for yourself and your baby. Can you go and stay with family while you sort things out?

yetmorecrap · 23/04/2017 11:43

I despair at a lot of guys these days, on paper they seem to want a family and kids etc but when it comes to it, they find it all a bit much when it isn't all Disneyland , I don't think this is going to get better sadly OP, it seems it is part of his personality

MatildaTheCat · 23/04/2017 11:53

He sounds incredibly immature and won't change. He's wrong about you not having anywhere to go, there are always options.

Good luck with doing the right thing for you and your baby.

Original poster
Cmajmp · 23/04/2017 11:53

Yes he's on meds for his adhd and I kmow he doesn't take them sometimes which again makes things worse. I really am at the point of breaking. I have never been this unhappy in all of my life (as sad as that sounds) but a part of me thinks I shouldn't give up on him. It just seems to be a lot of little things which are mounting up to one big thing. I am walking on egg shells around him. I asked him to just watch out daughter whilst I dry my hair.... I've come upstairs and within 2 minutes he shouts up "I can't hear a hairdryer" I could of screamed. He's hungover and tired so that means he obviously can't help me. I'm going out for a few hours to clear my head... I want to have a chat with him about how he's making me feel but I know with the mood he's in today it will end in am argument. I'm currently sat on the bed with the hairdryer going (My hair is dry) just to have a minute of peace !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cmajmp · 23/04/2017 12:14

He's off In a mood now saying he doesn't think we are compatible and it's not him it's our crap relationship etc. I don't know if I'm just scared of being on my own

OP posts:
HandbagCrazy · 23/04/2017 12:20

So you have confronted him with some issues and his response is to deflect it by turning it around on you.
My 6 year old nephew does this. It is childish and a sure sign that he has no intention of taking responsibility for his actions.

If he wants out, let him leave. Lock the door behind him and breathe a giant sigh of relief

Chrononaut · 23/04/2017 12:24

Hey again, OP you will be ok on your own. You can do it and you will be alright. Sure it will be a little difficult but its not worth keeping this relationship up if you are miserable. There are plenty of other people out there and you will find your feet. You can do this!

Original poster
Cmajmp · 23/04/2017 12:24

I wouldn't even say I confronted him with any issues at that point. He tried to get the dog in from outside and he wouldn't come in and started shouting so I told him to stop shouting at the dog. He then started on me because I left a pizza wrapper on the side.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 23/04/2017 13:44

How old are you two?

Original poster
Cmajmp · 23/04/2017 13:59

I'm 23 (nearly 24) he turned 29 last week

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 23/04/2017 14:06

Oh, from reading about his behaviour, I thought you were going to say 17 or 18, in which case, there might have been hope that he'd grow up eventually. At 29, I'm not so sure that's likely. I would leave him to it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/04/2017 14:13

You are in some crazy mode if you are thinking I shouldn't give up on him. He is the one who has given up trying to be a nice, normal husband and father. You wouldn't be giving up you'd be standing up.

Original poster
Cmajmp · 23/04/2017 15:51

We have had a serious chat now he's eventually calmed down. He's agreed to go and see the doctor to review his medication for his adhd. I've also discussed him maybe feeling depressed and he should mention all his feelings to the doctor. He said he feels angry over every little thing and he doesn't know why. He actually opened up to me this afternoon and said he doesn't want to feel the way he does and apologised. I know it doesn't make what he has done better.... but it's my little bit of hope that maybe he's realising what he's doing and he will seek help for it. I don't know.... maybe I'm wishful thinking

OP posts:
dogsdieinhotcars · 23/04/2017 22:47

Hope you sort it out together you sound very caring. X

MusicIsMedicine · 23/04/2017 23:44

I think he needs to go. Abusive behaviour only gets worse if not arrested.

Isetan · 24/04/2017 07:48

So he's going to the GP to get meds he doesn't take regularly reviewed is he? You're in an abusive relationship, start getting your ducks in a row because chances are, he's telling you what you want to hear and not what he plans to do.

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