Marriage in crisis

[Sparkleback2017]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting online looking for support before trying couples counselling. I have been married for 14 years and with my husband since we were 15. We have 2 beautiful boys but our hearts are breaking right now and we don't know what to do. We have always argued / bickered and life isn't perfect but we love each other and can't imagine life not together. Long story short, 7 years ago he lashed out at me after a heavy night drinking. I wasn't entirely innocent as said some horrible things to him after being resentful for a while. No visible damage so no one ever knew. Since then he suffered with depression and has been on medication, unable to live with what he did. 2 days ago we argued (again after a few drinks). We can never seem to see each other's points of view so after me upsetting him verbally he walked away. I followed as had to go to the station to get home. He tried walking away from me several times but I wouldn't let him. In my (drunken) mind I was trying to resolve the situation, feeding my own needs instead of considering his. As a result he hit me once just under my chin. No pain or bruising just shock, but it has devastated us both, leaving us in tears & feeling like there is no way back from here. We are looking at our children and can't believe how badly we behaved and feel like the worst parents in the world despite them not having a clue what's happened. I know what he's done is inexcusable and no one could hate him more than he hates himself right now. We love each other but don't know where to turn. I suggested counselling but I'm reading so many bad reviews online. He thinks we should go our separate ways but I'm worried about his mental Heath too after last time. I know it sounds clichéd but he is a fantastichusband and father who works hard every day to escape how he was brought up and has done so well for himself. We are both so ashamed. Please help. Thank you for reading, sorry if it's a bit garbled...if I read it back to check I may not click to post

I'm not taking on his blame I'm just not going to pretend I was or have been innocent in our relationship ups and downs. What he did was wrong on so many levels, we both know that and would never excuse it.

At the very least you should agree a time-out word between you whilst both of you are feeling so bad. It will remind you of these dark days if you use it during a budding argument. Hopefully help to snap you both back to your senses.

I have learned that no good can come of a heating up debate when either myself or dh are slightly tiddly or beyond, so I take a deep breath and walk away as I know it will only get worse, not better. Dh does the same. We hardly drink anyway but it's easy for misunderstandings to turn into rows when you're even mildly pissed.

Thank you, you're right that is definitely something we need to do if we can find a way through this.

He's unhappy that I'm ignoring the children - I don't mean to I just feel so low trying to deal with this in my own way.

I think you definitely should go to couples counselling as soon as you can and it would be a good idea to combine with individual counselling for both of you. If nothing else in order to help you make a decision about leaving which makes sense for both of you and which you have peace with. Right now you are totally confused and not in the right mind to make such a decision. I really wish you all the best, it must be so hard for you right now

Thank you so much, that's very kind. We talked (and listened) for hours late last night and are not going to do anything drastic but he's going to deal with things at home to give me the time and space to think and decide what I want with no rush. He doesn't want to end things but feels we should because of what he did. On the surface that's what I feel is the answer I should be giving because that is what society would expect from me but it really isn't so clear cut. He is not that person, we have lost our way and hit crisis point. He said he did what he did to help me end things as I show so much hate towards him. I think this is his self loathing for what happened 7 years ago and the hate after alcohol partly my response for not dealing with it properly. He was depressed back then and it was a terrible time. He says he realises he has no off switch when drinking and whilst 99% of the time there are no problems he can't risk that again so will give up😢. I'm doing the same for the time being, if only to feel better about myself & shift the weight that's been getting me down these past years. Thank you so much to everyone who has supported me without judgement on here, it really has gotten me through the darkest hours and made a difference to the place we have ended up this morning. I still don't know if we'll survive but I have more hope and am more able to face the day than I was yesterday.

You seem to be nice people

But as many others have said - the drinking has to stop

Sorry to tell you this but you sound like an alcoholic. Both of you clearly can't handle drink. Both of you should try say 3 months without alcohol

I like drinking wine but nothing is worth this pain and heartache

Thank you for recognising we are nice people. We are not alcoholics however though we have already excluded wine from our relationship. As I've said having a drink at home is always fine as is mostly going out (though going out is very rare for us). We do need to have alcohol free date nights from now on though - we won't risk this happening again that's for sure. DH has said he'll give up for good to save our family. Ironically, he rarely drinks anyway & is more into biking & fitness. It's me who enjoys a glass of wine on the sofaReally appreciate all your thoughts xx

*If you want to resolve it:

Both quit drinking
Both find a decent couples therapist to learn how to communicate properly and forgive each other
Anger management*

This. You have no other choice other than to split up. Sounds like it's worth a shot though?

It is

I didn't say you were an alcoholic, I only said you sounded like one

I was deliberately trying to shock you

I suggest you read all of this thread as though it was someone else. I myself find it very difficult to see problems clearly when I'm in the middle of them but when I stand outside as someone else I can get a much better idea of what to do

Unless I read it wrong, you only have problems when alcohol has been involved

Please accept my best wishes and I truly hope you can sort this out

YetAnotherGuy
Thank you - I understand what you were saying and I appreciate your thoughts & advice. Don't get me wrong, we do argue but even usually after a drink it doesn't end like this. Things have been difficult lately and we've been through some challenging times (not couple ones) that I haven't mentioned here. On a positive note, I have lifted myself out of my low mood today and taken my boys swimming so we had a fab day while DH was biking. Got home and he'd cooked dinner (this is usual) so...so far so good

YetAnotherGuy
I have re-read these posts and it really does make you see things more clearly. I can also see why everyone sees the drinking as such a massive deal - it's obviously a big deal but the way I've written it sounds like we were smashed out of our heads and we so weren't - just enough to skew our judgements / perceptions. That's what shocked me when I read it back. Both times we'd been for a meal and had a few too many not drunk to oblivion. Still no excuse for the way I spoke to DH & certainly not for his reaction. Thanks again

Op, I don't think that alcohol played the only part in it or there's a problem with drink going on, it's just that if you are under stress, even a small amount of alcohol can release moods and emotions bubbling under the surface, and also makes you less inhibited to say and do what you usually would have the self control not to. Misunderstandings or minor grievances can accelerate quickly. My dh and I could be chatting happily about a character in a soap (for example) and then fall out over the name of the actor or some such, culminating in "you always think I'm wrong/does it really matter/why do you always have to be right/you never remember anything properly"... and so on. Even a glass of wine can make tired stressed people on a rare night out argumentative.

*DalaHorse
*
Wow! You are incredibly perceptive or at least must be most understanding of what's happened here. We actually had a discussion about the Beckhams - I said I thought they were a lovely family, he disagreed...it went from there. I think DH saw it as me saying another family / husband in particular was better than ours / him & started giving reasons for DB's flaws (alleged women in the past etc). The more this went on the more I felt the resentment building 'why can't you ever just accept my opinion? Why do you always have to be right?' etc. This resulted in me calling him toxic. He just got up and left. You know the rest...your words have strangely made me feel better about our situation. Our jobs are highly stressful & as I said we'd been through some stuff too recently (emotionally). Obviously his still doesn't excuse the behaviour. Thank you for your wisdom