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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dad has finally admitted he favoured my sister , how to deal with this..

17 replies

Waitingforsleep · 21/04/2017 19:43

Just wondering if anyone had any similar as I have been left with all these emotions.
Long story- I have an older sister who has always been hard work (I now suspect Aspergers or something) she has struggled with lots and caused lots of drama in the family. My dad has always favoured her and my mum never said anything really as she wants to keep the peace.

I grew up thinking I was going mad. This crazy behaviour was unacceptable however acceptable to all around me.
I was always in the wrong and blamed.
I have suffered low self esteem, anger issues and depression.
My mum has always said he treated is differently and didn't know why.
Finally after my sister has fallen out with him big style he has now "seen her in a different light" and says he feels bad for taking her side every time. He now sees things in the past and doesn't know why he didn't before.
Said he is sorry and will make it up to me.

It's a bit late though isn't it? Unfortunately things like this shape us and I have suffered and made bad choices due to how I have felt about myself.

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:

Fairybella · 21/04/2017 19:46

Yes far too late.
Sorry your life has been this way. Focus on building yourself up and being the best version of you. Have you got someone to talk through this in real life?

Original poster

Waitingforsleep · 21/04/2017 19:52

Not really. I have been through all sorts of emotions growing up and have been independent and the past few years really put myself first instead of what others want.
On the one hand it feels good to finally hear it as I thought I was going mad but on the other it's conformation that all of those years I was right.
It hurts

OP posts:

Pebbles16 · 21/04/2017 19:52

About 10 years ago my mum finally admitted that my sister was the preferred child. She has subsequently backtracked on this (not a consistent woman, sadly). Luckily my sis is an amazing woman and has validated what really happened. Actually knowing this freed up a lot of mental space. And that is all I have asked for and hoped from the situation.

Pebbles16 · 21/04/2017 19:54

Oh and it does hurt. And I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Over time the validation will hopefully make you feel better/more sane

Original poster

Waitingforsleep · 21/04/2017 19:55

It's hard as I have had lots of situations where I have been made to feel I was wrong about things, it made me question my judgement on things as I see things differently to my family and as such I have lacked confidence in my own opinions etc.
I have also been called selfish and unreasonable etc in situations which now he can see it wasn't the case.

OP posts:

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 21/04/2017 20:07

Too late. An awful way to treat a child. What a shit.

Pebbles16 · 21/04/2017 20:08

Sounds very familiar. It hurts I know. But at least you know you weren't imagining all these feelings. It's crumbs of comfort.
In time it will help. Well it did for me. You have been strong to withstand this for years. But you have probably doubted yourself. At least now you don't have to doubt

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 20:12

Ack. I am in the exact same situation and now I'm worried someone is going to think you are me.

I'm further along this story than you, but the only thing that helped eventually was to just accept it as what it was ('it is what it is'), rather than agonising over what could have been, what I could have done (nothing, I was the child and he's the parent) and so on...and recognising that it is his failing, not mine. It is what it is. Accept the things you can't change.

My sister and I don't talk much. I don't know if it helps, but I can see how being the golden child wasn't ultimately any good for her, either. She's probably equally damaged but in different ways. We're both close to our brother though, and he kind of carries us along in enough civility.

Original poster

Waitingforsleep · 21/04/2017 20:22

It's just hard though knowing that it caused a lot of pain and shaped my future. I had come out theories side and am actually more confident in who I am and what I think more than ever. But I am I my 40s and had a lot of stuff to work through to get here which could have been avoided.
I'm also cross mum has always gone with staying quiet to keep the peace.
It's just been a revelation to my dad who said he just could not see this before and I do believe he is sorry. I told him I didn't take any pleasure in seeing him upset however am happy just to hear this and have it acknowledged as it has been really hard for me

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 20:27

I understand that. It is a horrible thing to have to realise. There is something to be said for simply accepting that it is what it is, and the failing wasn't yours.

I'd be a bit wary because if he can't see her worse qualities unless she's upset him personally, you could find they make up and suddenly he's off with you for being so nasty when the balance of his mind was disturbed, or something.

Original poster

Waitingforsleep · 21/04/2017 20:31

Omg you are me! Yea this has happened before and I'm waiting for them to be best buddies again

OP posts:

Pebbles16 · 21/04/2017 20:39

My parents have never apologised to me. They won't. And I'm not sure it will help. Just knowing that it wasn't in my mind has given me more than apologies ever would. (Still working through that one obvs!).

Original poster

Waitingforsleep · 21/04/2017 20:44

Oh yes! I could t believe it when I had the confirmation and apology it was like a huge weight lifted but then been followed by Sadness and anger maybe grieving for what I should have had etc.
I am proud of myself that I have a good
Life with lots to be proud of and see what a strong person I am. I often ot myself on the back as no one else is going to lol.x

OP posts:

Original poster

Waitingforsleep · 21/04/2017 20:45

Pat myself

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 21:09

It's really hard because we are hardwired to want our parents' approval. They're supposed to be the two people who love us no matter what, so being rejected by them makes you think, "Good God, what sort of absolute horror of a human must I be if my own PARENTS think this of me?"

But it's not the case. Some people are just shitty parents. Sometimes they can help it, sometimes they can't. All you can do is work on making it not your problem, and find your self worth elsewhere. It is what it is. Accept the things you cannot change, and leave them behind.

If you have another sibling who gets on with both of you, you could try talking to them. Worked for me. But that's very highly personal, of course.

Original poster

Waitingforsleep · 21/04/2017 21:38

No I don't but thanks. I agree with what you are saying. I think I have finally felt my self worth too having worked through lots of things. Just weird now having it confirmed.
Sad when I think back to things for example my ex who I loved so much it ended because I pushed him away with my insecurities and wanting to be loved etc so it makes me sad whereas now I feel I am secure in myself (with the odd wobble)
Glad you ok too

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 21:41

Ah, you poor thing. That is so destructive. It really is true that we can't love anyone until we love ourselves. Otherwise, we just push them away.

If you haven't seen a counsellor, look into it. CBT is very good for fighting thought biases like that and recognising them for what they are. Look after yourself.

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