There are really two parts to violent or controlling behaviour which can tell you about how much of a problem it (potentially) is.
The first is where the person believes their behaviour falls on a scale from "no big deal/totally normal necessary part of life" to "everyone does that sometimes (but not every day)" to "I didn't handle that very well" to "oh god I've overdone it" to "OMG I can't believe I did/said that (or if hypothetical: I would never ever do that)". It sounds like your DH is probably putting his outbursts somewhere around the second category, while acting like it belongs in the first category (because he's letting it happen multiple times a week). And really it needs to be in one of the top three.
If he genuinely sees it as a normal behaviour, then he's not likely to put much effort into toning it down, because he won't see the point. Or, perhaps if he's already toned it down from something he considers worse he might be wondering what all the fuss is about. (Change takes a lot of work.) And yes, if he's grown up seeing aggression and violence happening several times a week as normal then this is very likely where that belief has come from and it is difficult to shift that, especially if he's not open to seeing a different way or if he thinks that his behaviour is okay because not as bad as his dad's. You might want to ask him if he wants your DS to grow up with his current behaviour as his perception of a normal reaction to stress. (You might want to ask yourself the same, BTW.) It could be a useful exercise to go through what are examples of stress-response behaviours for each category on the scale and compare your ideas.
The second is whether the person believes that what they are reacting to is a justified reason to reach the level of response that they have given. Some level of anger, shouting, even force or violence is sometimes justified in a crisis - for example you might shout if you saw your DS doing something dangerous (to startle him into stopping or even just out of fear), use violence to defend yourself if you needed to, or you might react unpredictably if you found out your partner had cheated or something like that. These are human behaviours, but usually we need to be very pushed before we engage in them. The way you'd shout when your DS is in danger is different to the way you might raise your voice in frustration because he won't put on his shoes.
Sometimes people with problems with aggression can have skewed expectations that they can't cope with not being met. For example, if he genuinely believes that you should be able to keep the house tidy at all times then he may genuinely feel so frustrated that it isn't happening, and think that a crisis response is necessary or the only tool available to him. Likewise, children's behaviours can push their parents into behaviours that they regret through frustration or lack of knowledge as to how to deal with the situation. It's not only the response that he needs to evaluate, it's the situation (and expectations) and you might need to look at these together and reevaluate whether you actually want the same things.
I wonder would your DH take a parenting class? Perhaps having some new tools to help him manage DS's behaviour would lead him to be less likely to resort to the blunt tools of anger and control. For the other situations, another approach might be necessary, but recognising that children really can push our buttons would be an immediate way to perhaps mitigate some of the effects on your DS.