Bit of a WWYD: tell elderly mum how I really felt about my father, or leave it?

[tigerdriverII]

I've been spending a bit of time recently having (so far very successful) counselling about various things, including stuff to do with my childhood and the way I interact with people now.

My father died about 8 years ago and his death devastated my mum, now in her late 80s. Despite the fact he was difficult for most of their married life, and was pretty emotionally abusive, with a drink problem to boot, she adored him and continues to do so.

When I visit her and on daily phone calls she speaks fondly of him and makes a big deal about how much he loved me, how proud he was etc. All bullshit as far as I'm concerned: he was creepy, moody and aggressive and I hated him.

My dilemma: having been away for a couple of weeks and not having the daily conversation, I've ruminated on whether to explain how I feel and felt. On the one hand, I'm protecting her from hearing bad things about her DH: on the other, I'm lying at least by omission every time we speak and it's really bugging me.

So: tell or not? WWYD?

I'm liking hands' suggestion. Then if she gets huffy and wants to know why I can just say that I don't have happy memories of him, and if she changes the subject I can go with that.

I know she won't admit that she didn't protect me, I just wish she could see it from my perspective.

I just wish she could see it from my perspective

I'm in a similar situation to you except my father is still alive. I'm afraid you have to accept that people will only see the truth when/if they want to and until/if that happens, they'll reinvent history to suit themselves. It's really hard to accept that you won't get what you want but actually, by trying to get your mother to see your point of view, you're actually hurting yourself because emotionally you're going back for more and your feelings are being negated again and again.

Sometimes, you have to shrug your shoulders and detach though I do understand how difficult that is.

I found this book really useful, especially parts two and three: www.amazon.co.uk/If-You-Had-Controlling-Parents/dp/0060929324/ref=pd_sim_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RP9WKZ64RP4DR576CBYC&tag=mumsnetforum-21

I think that hands suggestion is good. Or, quiet silence when she tries to draw you in by saying 'you know he loved you, don't you". Don't nod, just smile slightly and move the talk on.

She might come back to it and keep pushing you. In a way you might find it enough to make the point for a while and then be able to let it go. So if you say 'we have different memories' for a couple of months when she brings it up, or just don't answer, or "I appreciate you loved him very much", then after a while perhaps it will be easier to nod and smile when she brings it up. You'll have made your point which is necessarily for you right now, but without big arguments or saying things that your mother can't process now.

Just don't get drawn into any discussions. Keep calm, act calm, even if your feelings are churning up.

I wonder if your mum was worn down by him so these happy memories keep her going iyswim.not for one second am I trying to diminish your feelings tiger but she is trying tomake things right in her head anyway, the he loved you is her trying to explain away his actions which is not right. How Hands suggest you deal with it is good advice.

Hands suggestions are good ones and I would second that book recommendation as well.

Your mother is not going to listen to your truth or perspective, she does not want to hear it and will not hear it either. She stayed for her own selfish reasons. I would totally reassess your own relationship with your mother because she failed to protect you from your dad.

She can see it, tiger, She just refuses to accept it. The two are very different things. When I spoke to my mum about it she acknowledged that she stayed with him because she loved him. That is as close an admission of admitting her part in letting him ruin my childhood (and her own life) as she will ever get.

I might get that inscribed on her headstone. But she loved him

I can relate to the not acknowledging bit. Nobody wants to think they are a victim of anything, fewer still want to believe their behaviour caused their children to suffer.

You've only got to see all the threads from people on this forum from people agitated about minor things who then reveal more and you see it was the tip of the iceberg. Even then they don't immediately accept they are a victim.