I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe I just need to vent but I saw from a quick search that people on here are knowledgeable and sympathetic about these types of situations and the baggage that comes with them.
Ok here goes... I was the OM in an affair that started about 7 years ago, we met at work a few years before that, and lasted roughly 18 months. Ironically she ended it because she thought I was cheating on her. I wasn't, I was madly in love with her, or so I thought. Now looking back and whilst looking into the whole subject of affairs, I believe it was limerance.
The whole thing is nothing like how the TV/movies make it out to be. My experience was stolen moments here and there, seedy rendezvous' in supermarket and shopping mall car parks, her office or now and again at my house. Every single meeting was constantly filled with her clock or phone watching which also didn't help.
It started with her asking me to the movies, but then backing out. I thought nothing of this as I have female friends who are married and we meet for coffee, lunch, etc and their partners/husbands are fully aware. But, and I will only say this once, my inexperience with women and naivety prompted me to give her my number to rearrange the movies.
She started texting lots, telling me how bad her holidays with her husband and kids was, whilst I was on my holidays too. I was busy so I paid it little attention at the time. After the summer break we returned to work where the texts got a little more frequent. I started to think about her more and more and developed feelings towards her. At the time Facebook was newish so I used to post on there, she figured out I was struggling with something and offered a friendly ear. I let on that I liked someone who was with someone and she said going too far would ruin the friendship which isn't worth it. Eventually she worked out it was her.
When she wanted to talk about it I said I needed space so didn't respond to the messages, she sent over 100 texts in a week, to which I did not respond to a single one as I just needed time to myself. She ignored my requests, sent me presents and voicemails.
I eventually gave in and started talking to her again. Then during Xmas she was struggling as we were apart. She asked to meet in a car park, which I did, she kissed me and I didn't reciprocate. Anyway more weeks/months went by on the rollercoaster and eventually we started getting more intimate. We broke up and got back together almost every other week, it was so surreal but emotionally and mentally draining to be in this position.
Like a dumb idiot, thinking with more heart than head, I even got her another phone so we could contact each other without her DH finding out. She used to say he probably didn't care as she thought he was seeing OW behind her back. We arranged meets in hotels before she backed out last minute. Then after she backed out I sometimes went to her house when her DH was away and the DC were upstairs asleep. It was something I thought I would never do. I hate excitement and the unknown. I like safe, routine things.
Eventually, like I said, she ended it. And then she got diagnosed with a brain tumour, she still had my number, so she used to message about her treatment. I felt so helpless about the whole situation and I knew she had lots of friends and family around to support her and I changed my number to extract myself from the situation. The thing that pushed me to do this was when she sent me a photo of her after her surgery, it was the most horrific thing I'd ever seen, no warning, and reduced to a blubbering mess to see someone I loved so dearly go through this without me to offer support like we both wanted.
She got better, returned to work and we never crossed paths physically but she emailed me now and again on my birthday and for other silly reasons which I took to assume that she was hoping to just get something back from me. I didn't want to engage, I felt used and dumped like a piece of crap that somebody got bored of.
We have mutual friends who know about the affair and she has messaged them asking if they've spoken to me, I purposefully keep them at arm's length so they have nothing to tell her and she has now stopped asking them. I left Facebook and LinkedIn so she can't track me down and message me anymore through that.
I left the company and changed jobs and although it was out of sight out of mind, I still think about her. Almost every day, if a song, movie or TV or something that we used to share, she comes to mind.
Then last week I saw her out and about. I was out with a friend and she was with family. I always expect to see her, as we live quite close by but this is the first time it happened. We clocked each other and there was a lot of staring before we lost sight of each other. The problem is that it's made my thoughts of her even more overwhelming. I even thought of rejoining Facebook and getting in touch to meet.
Obviously I am older, hopefully wiser, and less naive and my only reason for meeting would be so I can get closure. I obviously have something that I feel is unfinished otherwise why would I think of her and why would seeing her affect me so much.
My feelings towards her and her situation are sadness and pity. The home environment for the DC must be extremely toxic if both parents are doing this. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one she's done this with, although she was so bad at it, and so emotional about it, I might be wrong.
I've not been in another relationship since, I've dated but nothing more, and I've started seeing a therapist to help me work on my issues - I grew up in a very abusive environment with a strict religious father. So I'm working on me and my issues without bringing someone else into my mess.
But arranging to meet her would be bad right? I'm just clinging on to a stupid fantasy but 6 years seems like an awful lot of clinging.