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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much time do you spend together?

57 replies

DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 21:09

I pretty much sit by myself every evening.
DH and I hang out on Fri/Sat nights but that's it.
Sometimes it makes me feel lonely.
I just feel too tired to go out and see other people.

OP posts:
Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 21:59

Playing pool - we have a table but he doesn't seem to want to play.

Love cards and games but again he's not interested unless we're on holiday.

OP posts:
wellhonestly · 20/04/2017 22:01

Let's see ...excluding work:

Monday night I am out.
Tuesday night we are both at home.
Wed he is later home (say 8 p.m.)
Thurs night he is out.
Fri night we are both home or out together.
Sat evening he is out 4 - 7
Sun we are usually together.

But quite often he is elsewhere in the house doing something else. We usually have dinner together with the teen DCs though.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 22:01

Purple, I feel like one day I'll look back and realise that I've wasted years of my life sitting by myself.

When I am cooking, DH goes upstairs and sits on PC until food is ready.

OP posts:
Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 22:02

Are you happy WellHonestly?

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 20/04/2017 22:05

We spend quite a lot of time together. I could spend all my time in his company but DH needs alone time more than me.

I like the companionable sitting together on our phones thing, but it makes no difference to DH whether I am in the room or not. I've learnt not to be offended. Grin

OP, I think you need to talk about this with your DH. It sounds so depressing but there's a chance he hasn't even noticed. It's quite teenage.

AddToBasket · 20/04/2017 22:07

When I am cooking, DH goes upstairs and sits on PC until food is ready.

It is teenage behaviour. You're his mum.

This is so disrespectful to you. He should be chatting and asking about your day. How often does he make dinner?

Patriciathestripper1 · 20/04/2017 22:08

Ever checked the browsing history on his pc??
You sound bored to death. Might be a good time to remind you that it's a short life and you ain't coming back.....Hmm

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 20/04/2017 22:08

dh has always worked shifts, so I am used to him not being here all the time, but when he has days off we do stuff.

our children are a lot older though so it is easier to up and jaunt off for a lunch, I know when they were smaller I'd have sold my soul for a pub lunch and a quiet walk ...with or without him tbh

We do often just veg out in a companionable silence though but we do chatter about shite and make plans, it doesn't sound like you have anything like that.

What about mealtimes? ...I love cooking and eating and that whole family thing , is there any chance to connect more over a meal?

You say you sit alone sun-thurs..what's different at the weekend? Do you feel he enjoys fri/sat or is he going through the motions??

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 22:08

Yeah I know.
I've spoken to him about it before but he does feel that I'm too needy and he wants his own space.
I can't change the way he feels just as he can't change the way I feel.

What can I even say without looking so desperado?

OP posts:
Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 22:10

We do eat together everyday with the kids which is fab.

I am bored. And I do feel like the only adult sometimes when I'm calling them all for dinner.

He does cook sometimes and always washes up if I cook.

OP posts:
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 20/04/2017 22:11

oh cross posted with a few newer posts from you.

..it sounds horrid, sorry...I wouldn't wait about for crumbs of his attention. Anything you want to do...get busy and go do it.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 22:13

Weekends are good ish and it doesn't feel like he's just going through the motions.

Haven't checked internet history.
Don't care what he's up to as long as it's nothing weird!

OP posts:
Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 22:14

What do people do in the evening?
Maybe I am boring!

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 20/04/2017 22:17

Yes I'm very happy. Partly because I like my own pace, partly because I went back to work when DD was settled in school, partly because we are kindred spirits.

I don't deny though that being married to someone so driven has always been easy. But we have been together for 28 years and love each other more now than when we first met.

Beebeeeight · 20/04/2017 22:19

No sex?

Are you sure there isn't porn/ web camming/ an affair going on?

OhTheRoses · 20/04/2017 22:23

I'm busy in the evenings. Monday was looking at a uni with DD hotel overnight, back Tuesday and dd had an event so I hd supper with a friend before collecting her. Weds there was a thing at her school with a drinks reception, tonight was home at 7.30 cooked dinne, ate together , DH working, me watching rubbish on TV. Tom will work till 6, collect dd from practice at 7, home by ), take in supermarket delivery.

Have to go to town on Saturday. We have theatre tickets for Saturday night. Sunday is a gardening day.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 22:29

OTR 28 years! Amazing Smile

Web cam affair?! Sounds like too much hard work Grin

OP posts:
LoveDeathPrizes · 20/04/2017 22:36

Porn was my first thought. It can be really distancing if there's no other model for intimacy. But then I know what it's like to teach too, and Jesus sometimes I just needed to be in a room without voices! Not all the time though.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 22:42

I don't even really mind if he uses porn.
I used to have a high sex drive but it's kind of gone over the last year and I've stopped even bothering trying to have sex with him.

It's almost less disappointing because I just see us as people who don't have a sexual relationship.

OP posts:
UpYerGansey · 20/04/2017 22:45

This is what happened to my marriage.

Original poster
DevilsAdvocaat · 20/04/2017 22:46

Are you still married?

OP posts:
Perdyboo · 21/04/2017 10:13

Well look, some people might disagree with me but I think you are not being unreasonable. What's wrong with someone needing their partner? Part of being together/married is fulfilling needs/caring for/enjoying each other in whatever ways you are happy with.
You are not asking for him to spend every minute with you - like pp have said on one hand it sounds quite teenage but on the other hand he might be all talked out from work (that's how I get, but I sit with hubby, hold a hand, fall asleep, dribble - it's attractive...)
You have said you have spoken to him but compromise is required here, can't all be on the terms of one person. And there are things you love to do together, so that's a start Smile
Hubby and I had to work at it - we sat (several times) about how to navigate work, children, stuff....identified how he feels loved is different to how I feel loved, but that's a whole different thread (and there's books out there about languages of love). What I'm trying to say is he needs to know him just being in the vicinity doesn't make you feel loved/fulfilled and you cooking for him, him washing up might tick his box but you still feel lonely. Good luck Flowers

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 21/04/2017 10:28

Oh, that sounds so miserable Sad I just don't know what to suggest tho.
For comparison purposes, my answer depends hugely on the time of year. My DP is a contractor (running his own business with employees) so we can go a week or more without seeing each other at all in the summer as he leaves before I am up and is home well after I am asleep. It's shit, I miss him horribly and he misses a lot of events that aren't super important but I do end up doing a lot more with my friends and my family. Otherwise;
Monday - He has skittles so I have tea ready for 6pm, he goes out at 7pm.
Tuesday/Wednesday - All evening together from whenever he gets home (normally 7pm-9m). Just watch TV and chat.
Thursday - He has darts so same routine as Monday
Friday - Same as Tues/Weds. Sometimes go to the pub or out for tea together, sometimes with friends too
Sat/Sun - Depends on his hours. He always works 5am - 11am both days, so the rest of the day he either works and I'll go with him in the tractor for an hour or two or he's home/running errands/picking up parts and I'll be with him.

We spend an awful lot of time together when we can because it works for us and we know how much we miss each other in the summer. No kids yet, life will have to change when we do have kids tho, I don't want to be essentially a lone parent every summer.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 21/04/2017 10:39

DH works nights and his days off are in the weekend whereas I work office hours with weekends off. Mon & Tues night by the time I get in he has left, so have some time with DD1 (2), do some prep for the next day, tidying blah blah, and bed with a book. Wed & Thurs he is home when I get in. After DD1 has gone to bed we put phones and technology away, cook together chat etc. Fri same as M+T. Sat & Sun I am at home with DD1, he gets up around 2pm and we are together until 6pm, normally out walking, take DD to pool or something.

Sounds bad, but I think neither of us are lonely! On the eves I am alone I get on with things so I can do 0 jobs when he is home. I get a bit of "me" time, which he gets before collecting DD from nursery on his two days off.

Only thing I don't like is that I never get to do anything out of the house in the evenings. Am 8m pregnant with DD2 and would LOVE to go swimming, it really helps my back and sleep. But I dont want to cut back on the two evenings we have together by going out for an hour or so, and obvs can't the other days as am home alone with DD1

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 21/04/2017 10:40

*days off are in the week I meant for DH!

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