Husband not responding when I talk to him

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Really fucking pissed off about this. It's just not a normal way to behave. I've been feeling a little down lately. Then started thinking about some things to do with my family earlier. Childhood not abusive but I just want to talk some things through sometimes. This same issue crops every couple of months or so and I feel a bit conflicted since I feel I am close to my parents but these things bother me. So I started talking to him, wanting his opinion, advice, support, anything really. Just a normal, two way conversation. He put a computer game on as I was talking. I continued on and predictably got nothing back. I asked him to stop doing that and talk to me. Nothing. At best I get 'I don't know what to say'. He told me we've had this conversation before. Not true. I've told him these things before and he has said nothing. I don't even get acknowledgement that he's heard me.

It's just so rude. I can't imagine ever treating him like that, making him feel that he's less important than a computer game. He didn't even have the decency to look at me as I was talking to him, so I was talking to the back of his head. I got so bloody fed up and told him I was disgusted that he can't even do me the courtesy of looking at me when I talk to him and told him it was fucking stupid, walking out of the room in tears. Needed to go and calm down. I heard him continue on with his game for five minutes, then the baby cried and he came in he kitchen like nothing had happened. Happy to sweep everything under the rug. That seems to be the way his family function. I'm just sick of it. I just want the tiniest bit of emotional support or to feel that I am being heard. It's not my job to teach another adult that it is rude to silently sit with your back to someone when they're trying to have a conversation with you.

He doesn't like talking about things. It did actually seem to improve a lot at one point. I can't believe I have to ask my husband to respond to me when I talk. I supported him so much through some things over the past two years and everything is brilliant until I'm not ok and I get nothing from him.

We are very different in how we are able to articulate our feelings but i don't believe he doesn't have any. I think I'm unusually good at reading people's expressions and what they feel and he is unusually bad. Not as oblivious as his dad or brother though. He does pick up on some things rather than only focusing on what they are saying. He had a few periods of being very down last year and told me he'd rather die than live the rest of his life feeling like that. I've never seen him like that before. I tried to support him the best I could and said that if it continued he should think about getting some counselling and he refused. I begged him to simply consider it and he finally agreed but I don't think he had any intention of doing it, it was only to shut me up.

If we had had fertility issues, he would have dealt with it. He doesn't tend to slag off other people unless they've done something very bad.

Going back to what I said earlier about jumping to bad conclusions about me instead of supporting me or believing that im lazy rather than struggling a bit... I can see that he is doing it. I find it very tiring to have to be the person pointing out that he is doing that and it's not right when I'm the one with a problem. I have to point out what he is doing and explain why it's not ok. He agrees and apologises every single time and seems to mean it, but does it again in future.

Bloody hell, I've messed up my name change. Hope I'm not recognised in real life I'll change back to the other name for future replies because i know it doesn't show up the right colour otherwise

He has occasionally claimed to not have thoughts hmm but I don't believe that

Believe him.

I have been with men where I assumed 'still waters ran deep'. But no, I was projecting. They showed no inner life because they had no inner life.

I'm not trying to insult your husband. But your relationship is only on the surface. This is unlikely to change.

What I mean by that is that it's something he said in the past before things happened. He grew up, had a family and experienced a tough bereavement. I don't believe it because I've seen him in pieces at times and I've seen him crying and reacting to things. He just doesn't want to admit that he does or talk about it.

Well...he is who he is.

Unless he has a personality transplant, this is your future.

I'm not sure he could clearly state 'This has happened, these are my thoughts and this is how I'm feeling about it'. His dad is a person who is entirely on the surface. I've used that exact phrase to describe him.

Hi OP - Your posts are too long and detailed for me to get my head round but I would like to wish you luck and hope that it works out for you. Just a suggestion, but I think that you might benefite from having a counsellor to talk to in RL (or maybe just some close girl friends)? Good luck x

Is there no way of things improving? Things have already improved in the time we have been together but no, I really don't think his reaction the other day was good enough

Maybe the problem is me! Maybe I am too long and detailed

I have just started a thread about my DH and, although the problem is different, we have this issue too. In fact you could be describing my DH. We NEVER discuss difficult things. If I try it is me speaking, him in silence, me asking questions which are often met with "I don't know". He lives by the rule of Mark from Peep Show ("why is it the people who want to talk who always win?") and he would generally rather live unhappily than face an issue. He's a brilliant husband generally but this really gets me down.

Sorry, I'm not giving you much help here am I? But you're not on your own. I worry that I enable this behaviour because I try to find the "best" time to talk and that never really happens because he's so stressed, needs a break, whatever. I have intentions of dealing with it but I'm also getting a little worried about what will come out.

There are some lists of questions for couples on the internet which I was thinking of using to get us used to communicating properly. If I find any good ones I'll post them up.

I would not accept that behaviour from a moody teenager, let alone my spouse.

You can't talk to someone who won't talk back. You will end up insane.

I feel so sorry for you, and I don't mean that in a patronising way. It is no way to live.

Twingler did you mean to change your user name again? The reason I suggested you might benefit from chatting to people in RL is because there is so much ground covered in your posts. Please don't think that I am suggesting that you are the problem, that was not my intention. I usually find with my husband that problems are '6 of one and half a dozen of the other'! Good luck!

I meant to change back but couldn't be bothered because it's a bit of a faff on my phone. There is a lot covered in my posts. I suppose that is the way I think about everything, it is all linked. We do clearly think about things in very different ways.

To those suggesting counselling, I had weekly sessions for a time. He didn't call it counselling, he called it psycho something? I can't remember now. But the man said that my self awareness and honesty about myself was not the way people would usually speak to him. He told me that he would usually have to help people come to conclusions about things but I was already at that point. He then told me that believing I had no personality and was simply an empty shell with bodily functions could possibly be useful to me in life and allow me to be fully altruistic! He used to give me lists of books to read on various subjects. I didn't feel any less like i wanted to be dead. He told me that he often had people come in who work in factories or something and he couldn't talk to them on this level because they had no awareness of their feelings, he'd see them for a few weeks and they'd be done. He seemed to enjoy talking to me and I didnt know how to react to that. I can't work out whether he was trying to make me feel better about myself by saying that I was an interesting person to talk to and I shouldn't feel so terrible about myself, but it made the whole thing more human and I really needed to be able to speak to somebody without their thoughts or feelings or reactions to what I said mattering at all.

I didn't mean to get into all this, I don't enjoy thinking about that time very much. I think I'm coming across as very intense and like I must talk a lot with how long my posts are. I don't actually talk people's heads off in real life I know when to shut up. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think the problem is me, or that I have unrealistic expectations. Perhaps the topic was difficult for him - with me bringing things up from childhood and my relationship with my parents. Perhaps that is best suited to a counsellor as he really doesn't know what to say. But he is this way with all important or difficult discussions to do with our relationship.

Running with the overthinking;
The very long posts;
Finding a neural position that accommodates both needs;
It being 6 of one, half a dozen..

I can see the need to consider all angles is challenging to the reader/listener, perhaps represents a level of insecurity/low self esteem/confidence.

I wonder if the step forward is being more confident about making decisions autonomously, feeling comfortable with the outcome. I wonder if this would create some middle ground. Maybe emphasise the good in a relationship.

Overthinking over and out.

I have an OH who has, literally, no 'inner life'. He cannot, literally cannot understand how I can write books about people who aren't me - who are completely different, because he cannot imagine what it's like to be someone else. It means he lacks sympathy, because anyone who isn't him is 'weird' in some way. For not being him? I don't know.

It's very very hard to deal with. Lack of imagination, plus he's NEVER had money worries and therefore cannot understand how I have to live (writer = poor). It is literally beyond his understanding. So I feel for you, OP, but have no solutions. My OH is a lovely man but very one-dimensional, if you see what I mean.

Stop doing the thing that doesn't work. It will only make things worse.

With a family full of ASD, he has never learned these life skills. That's a reason not an excuse. He should be learning those skills to save his marriage. He will need classes or therapy (your pushing obviously doesn't work).

Part of the problem is that you don't make him feel the need to get help for his problem. You being upset isn't a big enough need. Probably because you do "get better" in his eyes if he ignores. Which is really very ASD.

My brain goes to come up with a solution and it always starts "so, we'll have a talk about this"... I've got no choice but to attempt a discussion about this!

You do have choices. You have to persist in anger if he won't resolve a problem. You have to give it an effect on him and tell him how he can make it stop. No sex. Unplug router.

Though, tbh, that's puppy training not adult life. I couldn't be arsed living with someone who doesn't care about my feelings.

Unfortunately no advice from me, but placemarking as DP is so similar I could have written your posts.

I sympathise, I know that "2 inches tall" feeling when you express something difficult and get complete silence in return. I honestly don't know what to do about it, other than recognising that we are very different people emotionally and I'll probably never get the level of intimacy I need from him.

Thanks for these responses. Haven't had much of a chance for proper talk. Just had a mini talk (also difficult with a toddler screaming at me) and he finds it SO hard but it confirmed that he does have thoughts which he doesn't express.

I just found out that when our youngest turns two we will be eligible for free childcare. This opened up a discussion. I can feel myself getting lower and lower and I need to do something about it. My world feels very small and I want more, so I'm attempting to change things and make it better, suggesting different changes I could make. He wasn't saying much and i was getting annoyed because it feels like a judgement - I should WANT to be a sahm and he is annoyed that I'm unhappy. When I pushed he told me quite angrily that he doesn't say much because he already feels miserable most of the time anyway and hearing me say all of this only makes it worse. He had tears in his eyes, then found a reason to leave the room.

I left it ten minutes or so and went in to him. Told him that I am doing the right and sensible thing in talking to my husband about how I'm feeling or struggling and how I can improve things and that I am not a mind reader and he does not tell me or show that he feels that way. I probed a bit to find out what changes he thinks would make a difference. He has apologised for not telling me how he's feeling and accepted that I can't do anything if I don't know. And that it is not my fault that he is feeling miserable.

It has shown me that he does have feelings and either doesn't know how to or doesn't want to express them. Our general lives have got to change but I'm not sure what to do about the communication. It shouldn't be this difficult to get him to finally say something. He did give me a hug and a little kiss on the head and seemed relieved. I asked how he would feel in various situations, trying to see how we can improve. It mainly boils down to his job. The lives of our whole family would be better if he changed jobs. We can change our lives and our circumstances but that will be pretty difficult if he can't talk.