Completely screwed my life up

[lifecompletelyscrewed]

NC
As the title suggests I have completely screwed my life and others up. I have no where to turn now & feel like a trapped animal & its all of my own doing.

A couple of years ago my DH & I lost a life changing amount of money through a bad investment. It changed our relationship forever with lots of blaming each other. He left on a number of occasions before I asked him to leave for good. He was/is absolutely distraught & behaved very abusively on a number of occasions (during the breakup not before) but he still believed we could pull things around.

During one of our initial separations I met someone else - it was supposed to be a one off but very quickly moved beyond that. He was married. He followed the script to a t - he'll leave when the 3 DCs had finished school etc. His wife found out & he left the next day & quickly talked about us moving in together. At this point I should have completely slowed things down but just didn't have the balls to do it. I tried to encourage him to give his marriage another go & would have completely removed myself from his life. He was adamant it was over & this was what he wanted. I almost feel like I am with him because he left his family for me so I have no choice.

My DH asks me on a daily basis to make a go of things - he says he will forget about DP & for us to make a fresh start (we have 3 DCs). I think we could have a 'happy' family life but could not have a 'happy' sex life - that has gone for me & would cause a lot of upset if we didn't. I also don't think he could let the past drop & there would be constant niggly comments. I don't know if I am just yearning for our family to be together again because I know how desperately he misses the kids.
I can't afford where I am living but realise I can't let this be a deciding factor - I would rather live in the car than go back to someone just to have a roof over my head.

So I sit here everyday feeling sick at how many peoples lives I have ruined. My DP (who I do love dearly) has moved in but I feel my DS is unhappy about this. I just actually want to ask him to leave.

I have no one to talk to in RL - they all know how abusive my DH was & I just feel ashamed that I am actually thinking about starting afresh with him (although my closest friends have always said they will support me no matter what).
How can I ask my DP to go when he left his family for me ?

I have spoken to the Samaritans on a number of occasions because I have felt the only solution would be if I wasn't here.

Also - I do know how awful a person I am as DP was married

I literally don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to keep everyone happy whilst screaming inside.

To make matters worse I have had bailiffs knocking on the door chasing debts that I just can't pay, my rent is due which I can't pay

First of all, you haven't completely screwed up your life. Sure its complicated but two things strike me. You ex was abusive. You haven't broken off that bond with him. Second your DP chose to have an affair with you (a single woman) while he was married. He left the family home to move in with you. He ruined his set up, not you.

I think if it was me and I am no expert (I am struggling with my own situation) would be to talk to your DP and tell him how you are feeling. It sounds like you ran into his arms as he fulfilled something your previous relationship didn't. Its time to take care of you, have your own space and discover who you really are. Is DP reasonable? Talk to him.

And your ex, keep him at as much of a distance as you can and tell him there is no chance of getting back together. How old are the kids?

Hi,

I'm really sorry that you feel like this and hope that you can see that things will get better. My advice to you, is to contact your local citizens advice bureau and speak to them about your housing situation and debt worries. I would also suggest that you live alone for the time being whilst you sort out your home and debt worries. I understand your loyalty to DP but you can't allow that to rule the rest of your life. He didn't leave his family, he got found out and was made to leave. The fact you tried to encourage him to make his marriage work, speaks volumes and suggests that you weren't ready for this at that time. I think getting your finances sorted and living alone with your children will put things in to perspective and give you a clear head to enable you to make decisions for the future. It may be that in the future you will want to try and work things out with DH. If this is want you want, then go for it but make sure you are in a happy place before considering so that you can see that you don't need DP or DH to be happy and that you are not in a situation because of guilt.

Once you contact the Citizens Advice Bureau, I guarantee that you will feel better, even if only an appointment is in place. This will give you the strength to get through this. In the meantime, speak to DP and explain the situation. Don't be guilt-tripped in to anything. You don't owe anyone, anything. After this, explain to DH that you are taking some time-out from everything with regards to relationships and wish to do the same with him whilst you evaluate where you are in life and what you would like to do next. Again, don't allow anyone to take advantage of your vulnerability. You can do this.

I look forward to hearing of a positive update. Good luck x